Get Me To The Church On Time *OR* Whips, And I Don't Mean The Leather Kind

There are so many options when it comes to wedding transportation. You can take it nice and cheap and just drive your own lazy self to where you need to go. You can take a blimp like I had previously suggested. How do you choose? Well, you read this blog and I will help you out, as always. Seriously, what would you do without me?

White traditional limo. Basic, says you are classy with a modern touch. Safe choice, but where is the fun in that?

A classic car says a lot of things. This is a classy wedding with a touch of elegance. There is something a bit retro-cool about this. Granted, the chance of this car breaking down in the middle of nowhere is greatly increased.

Does anything else say love like a ski lift? This is great if one of you is scared of heights. Chance for death greatly increased as well.

Pink Cadillac. Perfect for your Elvis wedding. More likely this means the bride won the car war. Good lucky buddy, she set the precedent and now everything will be pink.

A motorcycle? Hmmm, this means he won this battle since no sensible bride would ride on the back of a bike in a dress. Just welcome your toothless children now.

A trolley car. You have a sense of fun with a desire to be around your friends. You want people to look at you during your ride as the groom sticks his bare ass out the window.

This one explains itself. Don't be surprised to see this at B and Corrin's wedding. Of course, there will be 3 cows attached to the front.

This one screams "cheap bastard."

Wonder Woman's invisible plane has crashed and some bare-chested werewolves are on the hunt....I think.

This bride is too high maintainence. Run!


As you can see the options are endless. We might revisit this in the future, but take my commentary to heart and avoid sending the wrong message.

Let's Get Fondled By The TSA *OR* Bachelor Party Ideas

One of the major responsibilities that being a groomsdude and blog writer entails is to think of some good idea for the bachelor party. Thankfully for B, I have two other groomsdudes to help me out in planning. Otherwise we would be spending a few nights in beautiful Duarte, heck, Duarte has a Sonic now! Every good bachelor party should have someone on roller skates bringing you some tater-tots.

Now, to throw B some clues, we have been talking about destinations for the bachelor party. Bad news for B though, is you have three married guys who have kids planning your bachelor party. If it were solely up to us, we would just rent four different hotel rooms on the beach and sleep the weekend away and maybe watch some tv. We'll be lucky if we get to eat without having to move plates, silverware, glasses, condiments, and food outside of a four foot radius of someone.

Sure, we could do Vegas, but it seems so played out. B likes it, but where would be the fun for us seeing B get lost in a new city? In fact, he once met me in Chicago and he was afraid to take the L. Whimp.

Mexico is another option, but I hear you can't drink the water. While I pretend that I can speak Spanish, I don't know if it will get us very far.

How about New York? The Big Apple! Lodging is expensive and where would you even begin? Plus, we are planning on a February trip and if you haven't noticed, New York is cold in February.

Miami? Naw, Jersey Shore was there and it is ruined forever.

Chicago? Again, the cold plays in, but they do have the Weber Grill, the best restaurant idea ever! Everything is cooked over charcoal on Weber Grills indoors. Delicious.

Somewhere in Texas? This oddly has some potential, only to see B squirm at the idea of having to go to Texas. Granted, we would go to a cool city like Austin or San Antonio. Sorry Big D (that's Dallas).

Now I like Nashville for some reason. Great BBQ and you simply smell like hickory smoke wherever you go.

Dubai is an option, but only if B is paying. But I think we should stay at the world's best hotel , the Burj Al Arab.

I think we may have to explore this idea a bit more.

In other news, it turns out your favorite Vanilla Ice song is "Play That Funky Music." Interesting taste readers.

Could You Throw Some Flowers Over Here *OR* Cute Kid Needs Work

In the time honored wedding tradition there comes the opportunity to laugh and "oooh" as a crowd. I'm not talking about the wedding dress, but the flower girl and the ring bearer. Seemingly unimportant jobs, the parents take a lot of responsibility to make sure that their children are the stars of the show. Really, they are trying to upstage the bride and groom. And honestly, how dare they! This is not their show, why don't they just back off and let the light shine fully where it was intended?



Doesn't she know that those shoes don't go with that dress?

But let me help and give your potential flower girl or ring bearer some advice. Parents, bring your kid right up to the monitor and help them read these valuable tips.

Flower Girls:

• Even flower distribution is key. Don't clump.
• Don't eat the flowers, they are not candy.
• Let's make decent time down the aisle, don't doddle.
• At the same time, don't run down the aisle. Unless, of course, there is a fire.
• Be cute, but not too cute. This ain't your show.
• Once you have strewn flowers about, fade into the shadows. Like Batman.
• Don't wave to your parents. They see you. So does everyone else.
• Don't mess it up. You could easily ruin the wedding with your shenanigans.

Ring Bearers:

• Don't eat the ring. Have you seen what hospitals charge?
• The pillow should be kept horizontal in two hands. This isn't a football and you aren't Reggie Bush.
• Pee before the wedding. It is a lot of clothes to take off in an emergency.
• Again, don't run but don't doddle.
• You probably aren't as cute as the flower girl. Get used to it.
• If you want to earn cute points, dance with the flower girl at the reception and then give her a kiss. Everyone will think this is adorable. You will be praised for being a mack-daddy.
• That ring is more expensive than your life. Guess which one people are going to try to save. Just keep that in mind.

These kids will set the tone for the entire rest of the wedding, and by association, the entire marriage. I don't think parents, the wedding party, and kids fully understand the weight of their actions. Here is to a great wedding.

Fly Me To The Moon *OR* Just Fly Me To Branson!

I had the pleasure of speaking with B the other night and I asked him how the wedding planning was coming along. He mentioned how helpful this blog has been in thinking of ideas. Though he did say it crossed off more ideas than it actually gave him. So I thought about it the other day and have come up with a great solution to encapsulate the bachelor party/ wedding/ and honeymoon all-in-one. Now, we have two options here and they both involve travel in a cool way.

1. The Goodyear Blimp!

Now, I have actually been on the Goodyear Blimp (the Spirit of America if you are keeping score) and it was awesome. There isn't a ton of room in the gondola, but the stories you will be able to tell. I suggest that we take the blimp to Branson, Missouri. Why Branson? It is the entertainment capital of the Southern states. In fact, while visiting the website I see that they have an ice carver at a museum with an exhibit on the Titanic. Either they have a great sense of humor, or they are missing the whole historical context thing. Shame on you Branson!

The blimp is not the fastest mode of transport out there, but it would still beat B in the Tahoe (Get it? Because B drives slowly!). It gives you time to see all of America from a somewhat lower altitude. And who doesn't love the blimp?

Back to Branson, they feature some of America's top talent. Here is a small list of the calvacade of stars you can see right now in Missouri:
Tony Orlando
The Village People
Tim Conway
Yakov
Andy Williams
Oak Ridge Boys

It's like a who's who of Hollwood Squares participants.

Option #2: Airbus A380

The newly famous double decker is larger than a 747 by quite a bit. Of course, recently the engines have been falling off of the airplane, but I doubt that will affect us much. B will charter the entire plane and we'll just fly all over the place and combine the bachelor(ette) party, wedding, and honeymoon in one trip. As a bonus, the TSA will grope you for free.



The TSA: Your New Prostate Doctor!

 You can eat all the peanuts you want on your way to Branson, MO, have your luggage lost, and watch an engine fall off your plane. All right B, pony up the bucks and let's make this happen.

1,000 Views! *OR* How Did I Get So Popular?

Facebook, watch out! Downward Brent Lee is on its way for web domination. At around 2:00pm on Monday, January 17, 2011, The Downward Spiral of Brent Lee had its 1,000th page view. So the crack writing team is popping corks and drinking sparkling cider (no drinking at work) while toasting their newly found success.

A whopping 61 posts, and only 19 references to Vanilla Ice. Scratch that, 20 references now. We will still be talking about wedding ideas for B and Corrin, since that is the entire reason for this blog. But I think we are going to expand a bit. We're thinking about some theme restaurants across the country. Maybe some tie-ins with Starbucks and McDonald's. There is a feature film in the work about the life of a stay-at-home dad and his blogging ways. The biography is being written by Snooki as we speak.

Now that I am more popular than Michael Jackson and Tiny Tim combined, I have some influence in the world.

Tiny Tim...seriously.

Why did I have to wait until I was 31 to become so popular? Why couldn't this happen when I was in high school or college. Where are the groupies now? Argh.

But we here at Downward Brent Lee and the Twitter feed want to thank B and Corrin for their continued good humor about the site. And thanks to our readers for...reading I guess. We'll be back a little later in the week with a post actually related to the wedding (go figure). And behind the scenes, the gears are starting to turn for B's bachelor party. I hope everyone has their passports and burkas ready.

How To Make A Quick Buck *OR* Let's Get Them To Pay You For The Wedding

A lot of couples spend a lot of time picking out the perfect cake, perfect flowers, perfect location, perfect food, perfect music, and of course, the perfect spouse for their wedding. They've got it down to colors, smells, ambiance, and even stemware. Some go the Star Jones route and get their entire wedding sponsored by groups showcasing their wares.

I think there is a great opportunity here to make a little money while throwing a kickin' shindig: sponsorship.  Hallmark can sponsor the invitations. When guests of the B & Corrin wedding stay in the Central Coast, they stay at the Embarcadero Inn in Morro Bay. Wedding guests dine at Hofbrau, of course! Wedding patrons only wear Calvin Klein dresses and suits. Transportation is provided by Chevrolet cars and trucks. Flowers have been donated by ProFlowers.com. And so on, and so forth.

Weddings can get expensive, even when trying to cut corners. Heck, one wedding I went to simply gave me directions to the nearest Taco Bell en route to the reception at a quiet street corner where there happened to be a bus bench.

It was a beautiful wedding though.

Heck, if you start now it can be like an episode of Oprah's favorite things. Come to the wedding and find out what you might win. Maybe it will be a trip to Australia, maybe it will be a lifetime supply of Aquafina water, you won't know until you show up.

In other news, we are so close to 1,000 visitors! Crazy. Look for that post once we pass that number. Thanks for reading folks. Or for those that don't read, thanks for looking at pictures.

Worst Photoshop Ever

Just thought you might want to start your weekend off right, by enjoying a picture of B as Vanilla Ice. It could happen.

And hey, don't forget to vote in our poll which tackles the tough question: What is your favorite Vanilla Ice song?

Getting In Touch With Our Feminine Side *OR* The Bachelorette Party

We've focused a lot here at Downward Brent Lee on the male perspective, seeing as how B is a male and your crack team of writers here are male as well. In honor of the quickly lessening influence of the metro-sexual male who is in touch with his feminine side, we present to you ideas for the Bachelorette Party. I've got to hand it to you women, you have hidden the rights and passages of this time honored tradition quite well. It is like trying to figure out what the Masons are really doing in there or learning what is in the secret sauce at McDonald's. My assumption from watching MTV Spring Break is that when a group of women get together to celebrate some monumental moment in a woman's life, that there is the need to treat the lady of the hour like a queen and that she is very concerned with "getting her groove on." It also seems that fruity variations of martinis must be consumed and there will be lots of hooting and hollering. In some lesser occasions, cowboy hats will be worn and mechanical bulls will be ridden, but I don't have substantial evidence to back up that claim.

I am also familiar with the desire of the party-goers to try to embarrass the "queen" by making her do some ridiculous stunts and tasks. I get this, I keep betting B a dollar to do various things I know that he will never do. I think I have even once had to lick some candy off a lady. Oh wait, that was in Taiwan, nevermind.

To keep Corrin from being utterly embarrassed or arrested, I have compiled some wonderful ideas for a Bachelorette Party that I think her bridesmaids should consider. These are all approved by the Council For Family Relations and the Organization To Keep An Engaged Couple Making Vows. In no particular order:

• Book club! You can read one of Oprah's books, eat Bon-Bons, and giggle as needed. In bed by 10:30pm and no pesky hangover.
• A little hike and picnic to the ocean. Enjoy some sandwiches and salads. You may play flag football or frisbee. Your choice.
• A lovely dinner at Windows On The Water: Morro Bay's premier dining destination. May I suggest the duck?
• A hilarious game of miniature golf. Splurge and enjoy an Icee.
• Electric boat ride around Morro Bay. See some seals, laugh at the kayakers. 

This should get the creative juices flowing for the ladies. Remember, the key is to have a safe, fun time out there and enjoy some quiet "girl time" together. Once B gets in the picture, it will be monster trucks, diesel power, guns, heavy metal music, and steak all the time.

Hey Ladies *OR* How To Be Smooth And Pick Up On Single Ladies At A Wedding

I am sure you have heard by now that weddings tend to be a great place to pick up on single people. You've got romance in the air mixed with alcohol and desperation. How can you not strike when this iron is hot? You might even be familiar with the Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughan vehicle, "Wedding Crashers" where the two aforementioned gentlemen are all about going to weddings and picking up ladies.

Hot dang! They did it!

Really, this is the pinnacle of being single. You've got people dressed in their best (or at the least the best that the bride and groom have put them in), surrounded by flowers, food, family, kids, doves, a Prince tribute band, a chocolate fountain, bad dancing, and awkward toasts.

As a public service, and since I am happily married, I am going to give you some of the best pick-up lines I know to use at a wedding. These are all trademarked and you owe me $.33 every time you use one. If it successful, you owe me $.66. Just keep that in mind before rolling out these gems.

• Nice flowers eh?
• Would you like to go back to the room where the bride gets ready and try on some make-up?
• Care for another chicken kabob?
• Are you team B or team Corrin? (this only works at B and Corrin's wedding)
• Sure, I've read Twilight, and I think I want to become a werewolf.
• I saw you standing there, not doing the YMCA. Did you forget how to spell?
• Are those pants rented? Because I want you to lose your cleaning deposit.
• I love spring weddings, they remind me of my previous four marriages.
• My wife? Oh, she won't know.
• Come here often?
• Does this look like herpes to you?
• I've got this strange thing on my foot and you look like a podiatrist.
• Is that the way you normally look?
• Wanna role my 12-sided die?
• Are you familiar with the 90's hit "Banditos" by the Refreshments? That was written about me.

DJ, Crank Those Tunes *OR* Trying To Watch A White Man Dance

In this era of multiple dancing shows on television, our expectations of what a good dancer can actually do has risen. Back in my day, all you needed was the Roger Rabbit to make yourself look good (hint: B did the Roger Rabbit a lot). But with Thinking You Can Dance With The Stars On Ice For Which I Live on television, we need to step things up a bit. I've already talked about some of the kickin' dance moves B used to do in middle school, but I think we need to start thinking up an appropriate play-list for the reception so that everyone will get on the floor and try to move more than a bamboo tree in a windstorm.

I do have a few requests, and I think they are fairly simple:

1. Please, do not play "YMCA" by the Village People. I hate spelling and dancing simultaneously. Too much work.
2. Don't play "Celebrate." Too cliche. We get it, you're happy and we're happy for you. But save me.
3. "Banditos" by the Refreshments must be played. If I don't know about pistols, pesos and a midnight rendezvous at the mission, my night is lost.

Don't ruin this wedding for me, just play "Banditos" on an endless loop. You can intervene once for a slow song so our couple can take their first dance.

I've come up with other requests for music and what I would like to see, and, as I think we have already discussed, this is all about me, right?

1. I want to see Paul "turn that butter" to a Guns N' Roses tune of his choice.
2. There will be at least one Vanilla Ice song. "Yo VIP, Let's Kick It!"
3. Spare me the conga line. I always end up with some sweaty dude grabbing at my waist. Ugh.
4. I know Corrin likes country music, and there are some good songs out there. But if it turns into a Taylor Swift concert, I'm outta there. Granted, she is easy on the eyes. So if Taylor Swift does appear in person, I will stay.

1. How do you dance to Taylor Swift anyways? Should I make signs to hold up and profess my love?
2. Two words: Bieber Fever! 

Welcome Mr. And Mrs. Lee *OR* Getting Used To Your New Name

One of the biggest challenges any newly married couple faces is getting used to being a legal and legitimate couple. No more "B & Corrin are coming over" it becomes "Oh, let's have the Lees over for dinner and talk about something pretentious."  And yes, once you are married and have other married couples over, all of your conversations become pretentious. At my home, we have a little board with all of the hot topics of the day and discuss them in a round-table format. Sort of like The View, with less Whoopi.

While B won't have much of an issue, since his name won't change, I will address most of this toward Corrin. B will start to wonder why his mother is always following him around to events, only to turn around and find you, the new Mrs. Lee. And Corrin, you will freak out because you have a new name and become the newest Mrs. Lee. And then comes the issue with the Social Security Card, what a pain. You have to take a binder full of paperwork down to the office, plead your case with the judge and get groped like you are going through airport security. (Some of that previous statement may be incorrect).

Then the question becomes, "What do I do with all the monogrammed stuff I have?" Simple, give it away to someone with your former initials. There have to be plenty of CC people out there that would love a new wardrobe and a new car. In fact, C.C. DeVille of Poison comes to mind.

The greatest challenge is remembering to turn around when people call you by your new name. You will see this happen at the store and restaurants. People find it fishy when you don't respond to your name and they think you have stolen someone's identity. So be aware and be prepared. Like a Boy Scout.

Resolutions *OR* Light Promises I Am Going To Break This Week

Big happenings here at Downward Brent Lee in 2011. We are starting to gear up for the wedding of the decade, and I'm not talking about Kate & Will (that's the royal couple), nope, I am talking about our namesake, Brent Lee and his fiance Corrin Clark. It is going to take a lot more planning and luckily this blog is here to make sure that once-in-a-lifetime experience will be unforgettable. And in a big announcement, I get to walk the bride down the aisle and give her away.

What's that?
I don't get to do that?
I can't make that kind of a statement?
I had no right to insert myself that way?
But, look at all the work I've done.
Oh, okay, fine, I'll just sit down.

Our real big announcement is that Downward Brent Lee has gone Twitter-riffic! Check it out to the right, we've now got a Twitter feed. So go ahead and follow us as we muse about all things. We'll even expand our bounds and not talk wedding things (do we really only talk wedding things here?).

I do have one bone to pick with my readers, it seems that the things you promised me for Christmas never arrived. I expected a Chevy Camaro and a trip to Duarte. Here it is, January 3rd and I don't have a new car and I had to drive myself to Duarte the other day. Where is the justice? Santa wouldn't do this to me.

It being the new year, it does seem appropriate that I make some blog-specific resolutions. So here they are:

• Less talk about Carl, one of the triplets that B & Corrin will have.
• Fewer mentions about the original white rapper, Vanilla Ice.
• I won't make fun of B any more.
• No more sarcasm on this blog.
• All the pictures will be appropriate for children.
• I won't try to insert myself in the wedding, more than needed of course.

I think there are a few of those that aren't going to make it. Guess you will just have to tune in to see which ones stay and which ones go. Happy 2011 folks.