Last Post Of 2011 *OR* Why Change When I'm Perfect?

You didn't think I could let 2011 slip by without one more blog post, did you? I know that this blog has gone from multiple postings in a week to maybe 2 a month, but such is the life of a lonely blogger. I bet you can picture it now, surrounded by empty bags of potato chips listening to endless dance music in a poorly lit room surrounded by banks of computers and researchers bringing me facts and Red Bull.

Luckily for everyone, you would be wrong. I have a tiny alcove in a living room and I drink water. So there!

With the end of 2011, it comes time to make resolutions for the new year. Ways in which we can improve ourselves and not repeat the failures of past years. Yet, as I look back I realize that I'm perfect. I have been groomed well (in both senses of the word), I'm an intelligent fellow, I can use the word fellow without it seeming pompous, and there is nothing about me that needs changing. Full of myself you ask? Nope, just confident that I do not need to change.

Since I don't need any modification, let's move on to the happy couple, shall we? And as we all know that women know everything and don't need to change (um, yeah....), let's focus on B. So here is a list of resolutions that I have compiled for B for 2012.

• Stop licking envelopes for fun. The danger of a papercut is simply too much.
• Be sure to send more cash to my groomsdudes. $250/week should do it.
• Learn to embrace the idea that dinner does not need to be eaten at 4:30pm. 
• Triplets! B is going to father triplets in 2012. Need I remind you of their names? Abernathy, Bernard, and Carl.
• Help Vanilla Ice reclaim his star status. Encourage him to get a morning talk show. Show the happy side of Mr. Ice.
• Stop being afraid of cities larger than 5,000 people. Los Angeles is a fine place to visit.
• Let the subscription to Oprah's magazine not get renewed. Move on to Rachel Ray.
• Stop crying at the end of "Wall-E."
• Eat more shrimp.
• Wear more Ed Hardy.
• Dance like no one is watching. But know that we are.
• Grow a cool firefighter/80's porn star mustache.
• Start calling Corrin by her pet name: "Batgirl."
• Did he write those checks to his groomsdudes yet? A wire transfer will be fine.
• Listen to a little less Celine Dion and move on to Enya or John Tesh.

This is a good start for 2011. There may be more, but at the rate I blog, I doubt it. See you in 78 days!

There's A Social Recluse On My Roof *OR* Whoa There Fat Man, You're Fine, But The Reindeer Have To Go

Just take a moment to enjoy the title of that blog please.

I'll wait.

Good stuff eh?

I thought so.

Christmas is nearly upon us and we should double check our list to make sure that we have done all we needed to:

• Tried to be creative but just broke down and bought gifts on people's lists? CHECK! 
• Dragged dead tree inside and illuminated the sucker? CHECK!
• Placed trinkets on said dead tree? CHECK!
• Hung hosiery on fireplace so someone can stuff things inside? CHECK!
• Made various pastries for others but eaten the majority myself? CHECK!
• Jacked up my electricity bill by placing lights on the outside of house? CHECK!
• Survive windstorm? CHECK!
• Had at least three people crash into me at the mall because they are looking at other things? CHECK!
• Lugged boxes out of storage so I can put 80% of my stuff away to put out random trinkets around my house? CHECK!

Ok, it looks like I am ready for Christmas. Now to drag my family around to about 52 different locations between Christmas Eve and Christmas.

If you want a treat, come see me sing on Christmas at church. I'll be in the choir and be holding down the bass in a quartet. Guaranteed opportunity to make fun of your favorite blogger.

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another *OR* Prank My House, Please

Hi there, long time, no blog. Not that you care. Will this wedding ever get here, I am really running dry on topics for this blog.

In speaking with B the other week, he mentioned that I might be able to hang at his house after the wedding. I am sure the dear followers of the blog know what kind of a mistake that invitation was. I made no commitment to the idea yet, but I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. I didn't want to get into some binding legal agreement. Granted, B did say that I could only stay there if I promised to not do anything to the house. Now really, where is the fun in that? I know we have covered some ideas before, but I think I can go another step forward. So what other pranks can we pull on B & Corrin's (Radio) house when they are away on their honeymoon? Glad you asked.

Sure, we could go traditional and do the Jell-O in the bathtub, but it seems so played out. So how about a bathtub of Cheetos?

This would be horrible for me, as I don't like Cheetos at all.

And yes, you could move all the furniture around, but how about you put it on the ceiling? I think I would have to rent a nail gun for this, which makes it all the more fun.

Speaking of fun, what kid hasn't wished that their house was a castle? And what castle is complete without a moat? That's right, no castle worth it's salt doesn't have a moat! This is great, because I get to rent a backhoe with this one.

Maybe I'm thinking too small. I've always liked Radio's house, but wished it was just somewhere else. Let's just move the entire thing to Currie, NV. It shouldn't take that long.

Too big? Let's scale back and just wrap the house in a fumigation tent but use a lot of glue. This way we keep the house safe and insulated for their return.

My guess is that they won't be driving to their honeymoon destination, so both cars might be there. Hmmm, I wonder how many Geo Metros I could get for their cars?

Who wouldn't want a fleet of practical, fuel efficient cars? I am sure that B wouldn't be laughed out of the fire house on that one.

Which one will I do? Who says it will only be one? Check back in late March and I'll give you the lowdown on what happened.

Rules, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Rules *OR* Put Down That Phone

In my continuing quest to bring you the 223rd best blog on the internet, I am always doing research. I crash some weddings, I host some wedding showers, I shop for tuxedos, and I go to the epicenter of the relationship between B and Corrin. That's right, I go to Morro Bay, home of not one, not two, but three stacks and one rock.

 I spoke with one of the other groomsdudes and B's brother, Paul. Of course the conversation steered itself toward our vacation. Collectively, the groomsdudes, who are all married and have children, simply need a vacation. If B wants to come along we can call it a bachelor party. If B does decide to join, we have all agreed that there must be some ground rules for our time wherever we go. So B, pay attention, stop watching reruns of 90210 and take some notes here.

• Married guys get as much phone time as they like. You, however, get 20 minutes per day, to be decided upon by the groomsdudes. You might get all 20 minutes at one time, you might only get about 30 seconds. You never know, but we'll let you know when you can use your phone. Otherwise your phone must be surrendered to a groomsdude.
• Your wardrobe will be chosen by the groomsdudes. You will wear what has been chosen. Don't bother packing any clothes, we have you covered...literally.
• Bring your wallet. There is a good chance you will be footing the bill for everything.
• Should Greg and I have our way, you will only be eating condiments and packets of saltines at all meals.
• There is a good chance you will be going to an all-male revue of some sort. You will go. You will not say anything. Otherwise, you will become part of the all-male revue.
• You will take all abuse, verbal and physical, with a smile. We may taunt you quite a bit about running into cows. Just smile.
• Should we allow you to drink alcohol, Jave gets to choose it. Remember it has been 10 years since he had a drink and he isn't so familiar with what is good anymore. Enjoy your watered down generic beer.

• You might be sleeping in a bathtub. Deal with it. If you don't complain, we will give you a pillow.
• At any time you may be asked to do either the Roger Rabbit or the Running Man. You will comply.
• Karaoke bars will be open. Just keep that in mind.
• Wherever we end up, it is a long walk back to Morro Bay. Wear some comfortable shoes.
• Your music selections will be between Marcy Playground and Kris Kross. Choose wisely.

Failure to adhere to any of these rules will result in sheer mayhem during the wedding. And guess who you would have to answer to for that. If you guessed Corrin, you would be correct. The rules have been laid out, it is now in your hands. Remember, anything else would be "wiggidity, wiggidity, wiggidity, wack!"

We Have Contact! *OR* Spend More Money On Me

Gather around folks, it's true story time. This week's episode is brought to you by the movie From Justin To Kelly.

Moving on, Brent Lee himself called me this past week. Sure, this may not sound like much to you, but considering he never calls and hardly sends a text or an email, this was a big break-through. You might think we only talked about horsepower and chicks, but it turns out that B does not really care much for horsepower. Therefore, we can assume he has never seen Top Gear and is about to lose his man-card.

 

Anyways, he informs me that I should think about making reservations at some hotel where they think they are having the wedding. I guess he hasn't been reading the blog, because I think we have opened up some alternative locations. Yes, you better hurry and make your reservations for a hotel nearly 6 months in advance to beat the St. Patrick's Day rush. Hey, I haven't even received the official invitation yet and you want me to make reservations? And wait, why am I paying to stay in some hotel to come to your wedding? Isn't that your responsibility? When I invite someone to my home for dinner, I don't make them bring dinner. Something must change here.

If that isn't enough, I am now informed that some guy with a pretty good beard has got to measure me for a tuxedo. 

 Again, I thought that we had explored some other options that were quite a bit more comfortable than wearing a tie, vest, coat, and someone else's shoes. And here comes the kicker, B wants me to pay for that too! Wait just a minute here, are you saying that none of my suits are good enough for you? I look pretty darn good in them and I have a wide variety of ties to choose from. This is all quite tragic.

Yes, the conversation turned elsewhere and we caught up on some things and discussed his Halloween costume, which I did not know was going to be shiny. 

I would not trust that man to pilot my red wagon, let alone an airplane. Did you know he once hit about 12 cows while driving a firetruck? Yup, this is your state money here folks.

Here's to waiting to hear from B until February when the groomsdudes go on a vacation and we see if B decides to tag along and call it his "bachelor party."

Skip The Toast, More Wilco! *OR* What Has The Stig Done For Me Lately?

You've waiting patiently and here we go, a new blog entry today. Of course, the problem becomes what on earth to write about?

Some of the Lee clan was down in the civilized world this past weekend to associate with their friends and of course the topic turned to the wedding. I asked Paul about his speech, to see if he had any ideas, because I don't want to trample on his speech with my own. Greg was interested as well, because we all need to be unique. Of course, this will be difficult when we are each trying to fill in our allotted toast time of 40 minutes or so. I was thinking I may put together a multimedia presentation.

I hope there is a big enough room for a screen this size. I've got some great pictures that will look amazing at 40' wide. I guess the issue now is what to talk about. I assume that Paul will actually talk about B and Corrin, so there is no need to rehash that old subject. Greg could talk about a variety of things, but I really hope he presents his "Top Gear" thesis.

I think I may try to cover the career of alternative rock darlings, Wilco.

I am pretty sure the folks at the wedding will appreciated being enlightened about some of the more important aspects of the art culture in the modern day.

Too often we get a bit too involved in the bride and groom at the wedding. Life still goes on and they need to learn it is not always about them. You can have your few moments, but let's talk about some of the bigger things in life, shall we? And darnit, you are going to sit there for the entire time that each of us is speaking and you are going to take notes. You will be turning in those notes at the end of the wedding and be graded.

So sit back, relax, enjoy the presentations and don't worry, the beef won't get that cold.

Nevada, Here We Come *OR* Currie, You Will Be The Death Of Me

I had the pleasure of dining with the other groomsdudes and their wives a few nights back. Did I mention we did this without children? It was glorious for that fact alone. I think we spent about 3 hours having a very leisurely dinner and no one ate any Cheerios.

Not my child.

And of course the talk came around to the upcoming wedding and the expectations that we all held. We did agree that it would be a lot more fun if there were a bounce house involved, not for the kids, but the "adults." I was led to believe that this could be a fairly rowdy wedding, unlike that dullard Kate & Will wedding...BOOOORING!

As the groomsdudes kept stuffing their faces and watching Paul inflate like a blowfish to some allergic reaction, we made some executive decisions about the bachelor party. (Please note I have resisted the urge to put a picture of someone with a swollen face here and make rude comments.) But we have decided to keep most of this hidden from B, so I can't really spoil too much here.

I can say that anything he has a preconceived notion about is completely wrong. He thinks we are going to Nevada, that is correct. But he thinks Vegas. HA! We're actually headed to Currie, NV!

Haven't heard of Currie? I feel sorry for you. Right there in the Northeastern corner of Nevada is one of the finest cities that the American West has to offer. Named after Joseph Currie, the city was founded in 1885 and lives on to this day with a population hovering around 20. Yes, you read that right, twenty. Luckily for us, the majority of the town is for sale. Can you imagine owning a part of Nevada history? 20 acres containing Goshute Mercantile, the bar, adjoining house, cabins, RV park, garage, historic buildings, and corrals.

I've always wanted to own a town, what a great opportunity. And think of the raging party we can have there. We could....um.....camp. Yup, camp and....um....check out the bar, and.....um.....see the corral. Seriously, Google Map it. Zoom in here and head down to highway 93, you get a good sense of what this town holds. Luckily for B, gambling is legal here. Of course, the question becomes, will B come back? It could be pretty easy to lose him in a town of nearly 20.

My Super Sweet Wedding *OR* Is That Local Music Sensation Vanilla Ice?

I know I am bit behind the times on this one, I mean, this show was on at least a year and a half ago, but I assume you have seen or at least heard of the MTV program "My Super Sweet Sixteen." Granted, we could argue the actual benefits of MTV playing music videos, but this isn't Rolling Stone (another of a dying breed?). I will just say that I do remember them playing videos, so much that my dad enjoyed watching it and couldn't wait to see a Thomas Dolby video.



But the point here is that these teens felt the need to throw these oddly lavish parties and show their "friends" how spoiled they were and how they could complain that daddy only bought them the base model Aston Martin and not the one James Bond drives.

But my favorite part is how everyone lines up and guesses about who the big performer at the party is going to be. Maybe it will be Jay-Z, maybe it's Green Day, maybe it's Tony Orlando. And then of course, the performer is announced and it is some third-rate rapper with a mix-tape who lives in his mother's basement and has made some gold chains with a bunch of spray paint.

B and Corrin can do better. They can get some A-level entertainment from beyond the Central Coast of California. I think we need to start talking to our hero over here at Downward Brent Lee, Vanilla Ice!

We might even be able to get a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but I hear their schedules are pretty busy with kid's birthday parties.



If this is all it takes to be a back-up dancer, I think I have found a new career!

Yes, I think we need some big name entertainment at this wedding, something to really make it stand out. Since I assume that no one's daddy is going to buying them a new BMW, this is the next best thing. I'll have the home office here give Mr. Ice a call. You can thank me later. "Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!"

It's Cool, She's With Me *OR* Don't Be A Loser, Bring A Date

Are you aware there are 175 days left until I get to stop blogging, oh, and 'till B and Corrin (or Radio, as I have named them) are wedded? Some may be nervous about this, but boy am I excited about the prospect of letting this poor blog whiter away and die a glorious death. Can you burn a blog in a bonfire?

Moving on, for those of you who may be single, you might be dreading going off to a wedding to see your friends tie the knot and begin a life of quiet solitude and wishing they had really thought more about this whole marriage thing (kidding here folks, calm down). Let's be honest though, you are mostly dreading having to go to another wedding by yourself. Sure, no one to talk to, no one to gossip to about the bridesmaids selection of jewelry, no one to clink glasses with- it's really quite sad. As always, I am here to help and I have a few suggestions.

1. Quit cryin' chump!
2. Find another stag friend and take them. Make cute chitter-chatter the entire night.
3. Hurry up and find someone to date online.
4. Russian bride!
Or, my favorite idea...
5. Craigslist!

Yes, the home to free furniture, random tutoring jobs, and a way to find those lost connections is a great way to find a date. Now, I've never used the personals section of Craigslist, so let's try this together, shall we? And I am only doing this for research purposes for you, I will be taking my lovely wife to the wedding. Ok, so I am on the Craigslist for SLO, just to get into the mood. But again, for science I will click on "women seeking men" and....whoa...there are a lot of warnings here. Don't get AIDS, this person could kill you, well, that bodes confidence. Alright, I will take the risk, moving on...and this is the first ad I see:

I gotta sweet tooth...

---

Date: 2011-09-22, 2:18PM PDT
Reply to:

---

for chocolate! Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, mocha, honey, brown sugar, maple syrup.....you get the idea be at least aged 25, thick and rich (not money rich) and creamy :)
Im over 25, smooth, creamy french vanilla :) email me. I am serious! I love chocolate and need a fix! its hard to find around here :( 

Yikes!  BACK BACK BACK. This is just a bit too scary for me. Thank goodness I am already married. I have no idea what this woman is talking about. Is she one of those chocolate Easter bunnies? If so, how does she type? She doesn't have fingers! And what kind of rich is not money rich? I don't get this at all. Ok, nevermind here folks. Skip Craigslist, you're better off hanging out at the grocery store and just looking desperate.

Buy Me This *OR* Building Your Registry

A side note before we begin: I have my iTunes on shuffle and what has come up? If you guessed "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba you would be correct. If you guessed anything else, you would be completely wrong. Luckily for you, I prefer this version done by They Might Be Giants as part of the AV Club.




This song is still going. We get it already, you get knocked down by you get up again. Enough already. Phew, it is over, and now I've got some folk troubadour Tim Easton.

We all love getting free things. The funny thing about the wedding though is that you have to pay to have us eat your food and drink your drink and all you get back is a toaster and maybe some towels. But creating that registry can be a point of contention for any couple. Maybe one of you wants a completely pink patterned room and the other person can't stand pink patterns.

You're just hosed, forget about the whole thing and move on. OK, maybe not, but this is a time to practice compromise. Sure, you can go crazy and register for anything with a bar code (I'm looking at you DVD of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians..and yes, I have actually seen this movie).

And then you have to ask the important questions. Have I lived without that $400 trash can? Have I seen that $15 version at Target work just fine? Tough call. That could be $385 that someone else spends on my kitschy Vanilla Ice needs.

I'll admit though, that bar code guns lets you wield some odd power. I can choose anything in this store, from gum to guns and someone might buy it for me.

This couple is registering in the Mop N' Glo section.

The danger here is that you may get all the gum you can chew, but none of the stuff you actually need (sheets, towels, Elvis toasters). Just go the gift card route. Heck, my brother-in-law just moved last month and found wedding gift cards from 8 years ago. And we're not talking about cards to Dusty's Rusty Tack Shack, no, these are legit stores.

I can guarantee one thing though: you will argue while you register. It happens all the time. Guy wants cinder block and girl wants pink and fluffy. Enjoy those conversations, you'll regret the compromise you make later.

Hey, this post is great, check out the random tags for today!

And for those who care, I am now listening to The Shangri-Las song "Remember (Walking In The Sand)"

I'm In *AND* I'm Feeling Slighted

I'm in! I received my save-the-date magnet, no going back now. They had their chance to not invite me, but they blew it. SUCKERS! Now I will be there in all my blogging glory, hogging the limelight and embarrassing B at every turn. I've made it to the most exclusive party of the spring. Sorry Puff Daddy.

However, I will admit I am bit sad. Sure, I was invited. Sure, I got the commemorative magnet. Sure, I have to stand somewhere during the ceremony. But my poor little blog is conspicuously missing from the save-the-date. Yes, their little wedding website is listed, but there is no mention of this blog. I've worked long and hard on this thing and this is the thanks I get? After 109 posts (in less than a year, mind you) and over 4,000 page views and 28 mentions of Vanilla Ice, this life-altering blog gets no mention. It hurts. You put your heart and soul into something and this is the way you are repaid? There had better be a bunch of filet mignon for me when I get to that wedding.

Do you know what hurts the most? They didn't use my pictures! How could you not use these? They really give you a sense of the love between B and Corrin. It also frames their youth and innocence. A big loss if you ask me.

Luckily for them, I am a big man. I'll get over it somehow. I'll be there in my groomsdude ensemble trying not to outshine everyone else there. I guess just being invited is a triumph unto itself.

Another Horrible Photoshop Gone Wrong

We have seen B as Vanilla Ice:

So we needed to create one for Corrin. How about Corrin as Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes from TLC? I think so.

You can thank me later.

199 Days Left *OR* A Wedding To-Do List

We're nearing the home stretch here folks on this wedding and the merciful ending of this blog. Have you ever tried to write a wedding themed blog for over a year all while trying to keep the content fresh? Call me when you figure that one out Mr. Smarty-Pants. I can't imagine anyone will miss the blog, in fact, I may end it much like a Mission: Impossible task where it may self-destruct in a few hours. Once I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know, but you may want to stand back.

Okay young people, before Tom Cruise did Mission: Impossible there was a t.v. show and the messages would self-destruct. This is a picture of said action.

Only 199 days left until we get Radio (my nickname for B and Corrin) hitched and on their way to wedded bliss. And then only 200 days until they realize that wedded bliss is merely a cover story for "discussions" over who is doing the dishes...but I digress.

Any organized couple. ok, let's be honest, any organized bride will have her to-do list. So to help out Corrin, I have come up with her to-do list. This will keep her on schedule and make her life so much easier.

1. Make To-Do List (see, already done, you can cross this bad boy off!)
2. Add to To-Do List (another one down. This is easy.)
3. Review To-Do List (so far, so good)
4. Do To-Do List (hmm, I think we got that one done too. You're welcome).

Okay, that was easier than expected. Gheesh, people think these lists are so difficult. I just knocked that bad boy out in about 30 seconds and now I have time to watch Top Gear. First I think I will enjoy this Beatles song that came up on my iTunes; When I'm Sixty-Four off of their Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album.

This is a great album, a seminal album really. It influenced the Beach Boys to make Pet Sounds, which is another great album. Seriously, the Beatles really raised the bar here. You compare these songs to what they were doing on Meet The Beatles and it doesn't even compare.

Ugh, off topic again eh? Um, okay, you should play this full album at the wedding. It may confuse some, but the older folks and those that appreciate music will enjoy the wedding all the more. So play this album and show this picture of B and all will be good:

Somebody's Due For Prison *OR* How To Have A Memorable Bachelor Party

Greg and I were having dinner and watching Top Gear last night, I know, surprise surprise. Oh, we ate some smoked ribs and potatoes. You know two guys are cooking when nothing green makes it on the plate.

After Top Gear was over (great episode by the way), we continued our months-long conversation about B's upcoming bachelor party. I don't want to give too much away, but B thinks we are headed to Vegas. I hope he is not tied to that idea, because we have some actual other ideas. However, we both agreed that somebody is due for prison. Let me repeat that, because it is important, SOMEBODY IS DUE FOR PRISON. Why, you ask? Why not? We've avoided it as a group for years. You would think that in the nearly 20 years we have known each other that somehow, one of us would have landed in jail, even just a quick hold, with some of the things we have done. I can't go into the specifics because I have no idea what the statute of limitations is in 5 states and a couple of other countries.

Both B and Paul are employed and have a nice little steady income. While Greg and I have "incomes," I wouldn't call it steady (pimpin' ain't easy). What better way to get some free food and lodging than by getting yourself tossed in the slammer? Just ask my friend Lindsay!

B can spend a few nights in the clink and the rest of us can enjoy whatever bachelor party we were going to throw. It is brilliant really and I wish we had thought of it earlier. And think of the stories that B can tell from his time behind bars! Bubba and his friends are waiting to meet you, B.

While we might miss B for about 4 minutes, I think the feeling would pass. I think it would also humble the groom-elect. You know they call marriage a jail sentence, well, now he would really know the meaning. Brilliant as always Mr. Kathol. Another problem solved.

I Got To Use "Yurt" In This Blog *OR* Get Out Of Town

Ok, I've been gone for a few weeks on vacation. Oddly enough, I was up and down the West Coast, much like I suggested that Radio (B and Corrin's couple nickname) do. 2,726 miles and 12 days later, I have decided not to do that again with an 11 month old. It was a good trip overall, but I am exhausted. Isn't it odd how we always need a vacation from our vacations? Do you ever wonder how your parents used to do it? I just chalked it up to parental magic.

This brings us to the topic of today's post, needed a break after the wedding. I don't care much about the bride and groom. I've been there and done that. For those who were around the day after the wedding know that my wife and myself were tired and a bit cranky. Okay, I admit, I was the cranky one.

It is a lot of work to put together and attend your own wedding. It means long days. Not only are you planning the wedding, but you are getting together all those cousins you never thought you had and finding them last-minute places to stay, like my yurt.

 But then you are still putting together your honeymoon and trying to high-tail it as quickly as possible out of town to avoid your new in-laws (ha ha ha....ha.........ha...........ha....................ha?) Now you have to pack for the trip of a lifetime, all while making sure your passport matches your old name because you haven't changed to your new name yet. Phew, I am exhausted just from typing about it all.

Now let's focus on us, the wedding guest. With any sort of destination wedding there comes planning. Sure, you have to bring your wedding get-up. I was thinking about this, they can edit it out in post-production, right? If you look closely here, I think I am wearing ice skates. Don't know why.

Ok, so wedding attire, day before and day after clothes, maybe a wedding gift. You probably want to see my cute kid, so I guess I'll bring him, which brings up a whole new basket of trouble. Camera? Sure. Toilet paper? Multiple uses. Fireworks? Oh yeah. Baseball bat? Maybe, Uncle Ron has been getting a little crazy lately. Breath mints? Gotta, the wife gets all romantic at weddings. Crude jokes? Yup, the are all written down. Condiments? Can't tell you what those are for, but Greg knows.

After all this trouble, I think Radio owes us all a little vacation. I think we, as wedding guests, would all love a trip to Hawaii for a week or two, just to unwind. It is stressful getting ready for this wedding. In fact, the poor sap that writes this blog should have about a month in Hawaii. Make it happen. You know how to reach me and where to send the tickets. I'll be waiting.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me *OR* How To Be Gracious

I had lunch with some friends the other day and the topic of this delightful blog came up. I know what you are thinking, and no, I did not bring it up (I don't think). It was brought to my attention that this blog is the single greatest thing known to mankind and had surpassed the picture of Brent Lee's head on Vanilla Ice's body to get there. Who am I to argue this fact? It was also brought to my attention that we hardly talk about the wedding anymore. Well, Antoinette, that might change in this post. Oh sure, we're off to a bad start. But I have mentioned the groom and the fact that there is a wedding, so I think we're on the right track.

Some people relish time in the spotlight, when all eyes are focused on them and a crowd is captivated simply by who they are or what they are doing. Other people wish that people would stop looking at them and just leave them alone. We're not here to talk about which one I am (the answer might actually surprise you).

As it will be your wedding day B and Corrin (or Radio as I have called them- check an earlier post for why), those people will be staring at you. Now, I know for a fact that half of Radio (B in particular) does not care for much attention. Granted, this doesn't explain why I have seen him run around in a thong (let's just say there was alcohol involved, but I won't say more than that- sorry B). Typically B would prefer to be a wallflower, which is one of the reasons this blog is so freakin' funny, and so is the Twitter feed. In a moment of reflection, I may have to take that all back. B is the guy, who in 7th grade, broke out the Roger Rabbit at a junior high dance. Remember folks, junior high dances were all about how far into the wall you could push your back.

Now, I haven't known Corrin all that long, but I sense that she enjoys a little spotlight here and there. It's a good thing too, because as my wife and I have proved, you can't have two wallflowers.

Of course, this will be magnified at the wedding, as all eyes are on the bride. Every little thing she does, every move she makes.
Person 1: "Did she just wink at someone? Can you DO that at your wedding?"
Person 2: "Relax, I think it was her sister."
Person 1:"Oh, but I think she just hit her new husband."
Person 2:"No, she was wiping salad dressing off his face. Calm down."
Person 1:"I'll try. Wait, she just stopped holding his hand."
Person 2:"OK, knock it off, he is about to do the Roger Rabbit."
Person 1:"Ooooh, I've heard things about his Roger Rabbit."

All those eyes can make you a bit paranoid. Don't let it get to you. Just keep on keeping on. Half of those people won't remember what on earth you did that night. Have fun and tip your waiter. And tip your blog writers too. They have families and huge overheads. Do you know how expensive it is to maintain a free website?

Anything K-Dub Can Do, Radio Can Do Better *OR* Making Something Out Of Nothing

A lot of us married folk have gone into a great depression recently. No, not because the Harry Potter movies are over or that the NBA is locked out (in the off-season, who cares?). No, we're depressed because the wedding of Kate & Will has come and gone. For months we wondered how we could live out our royal dreams by having a dry British wedding. Now we know and we have nothing to look forward to. What makes it even worse is that K-Dub (as I call them on our Skype chats) are busy making the rounds as their job.

Few people cared that I got married 9 years ago. Even fewer people wanted us to come to their town and gallivant. No one wanted me to show up to their skid row dance party or attend their stuffy political soiree.

Like my beard?

How do these people make money? All they do is show up and talk in their fancy British accent. He's losing his hair and she is too good for him (according to the British tabloids I read).

To ease the transition to married life for B and Corrin, I have created an itinerary of places you will go and people you will meet as a married couple. If K-Dub can do it, so can Radio (my nickname for B and Corrin. Let me explain: Their first initials are C. & B. In the 1970's there was a huge fad about CB Radio, where truckers and back wood folk would talk over these radios before cell phones. So, C&B becomes CB, which reminds me of CB Radio, which becomes Radio. Keep up people!).

First Radio will travel to Duarte, CA to re-dedicate this statue. Why? It was the best I could do on short notice, okay?

Next, they will travel to Taos, NM to eat a Navajo taco. Simply to raise their spirits.

After that, it is off to Liberal, KS to bring attention to the International Pancake Day Hall of Fame. This is a place that could use a little attention.

Finally, off to Tampa Bay, FL to swim in the ocean with some disadvantaged kids who can only afford jet-skis and not speed boats.

I know that the presence of Radio will only bring smiles to those they meet. I am still trying to figure out funding, but I think the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation can give us a grant.

It's Been A Long Time *OR* Pandering For 4,000 Page Views

As the title states, it has been a while since good ol' Downward Brent Lee was updated. I am sure you have been checking back daily just to see, by chance, if there has been an update. Your persistence will now be rewarded. As I am writing this, I am only 4 views away from 4,000 visitors to the site. Who knew a simple little blog about two people living on the Central Coast of California who are planning a wedding would be so "popular?" In case you couldn't tell, I am stalling here, because I have no idea what I am actually going to write about. And let me let you in on a little secret...that's how this whole blog has been written. Little to no planning really makes the best internet experience.

With that being said, I think I have our opening. A lot of couples spend way too much money on a wedding planner. Sure, they can be useful in organizing the location and making sure that the flowers end up in vases in the right order. But then they overstep their boundaries and try to take your man. Oh wait, I think I just got that mixed up with the two minutes I saw of the movie "The Wedding Planner" featuring newly divorced Jennifer Lopez. Gee, how sad, I really thought they were going to make it. Actually, I didn't. That spelled disaster when you heard about it. In reality, anything that involves Jenny from the block spells disaster.

This is where I get to let you in on a little secret about B. Yes, I think he owns an entire Jennifer Lopez album. Now that you are armed with that bit of knowledge, I will now debunk everything else you are thinking right now:

• No, B is not gay. Remember the wedding to Corrin? Still on.
• No, B is not Latin. The closest he came was eating a Taco Bell taco.
• No, B did not DJ bar-mitzvahs in his earlier days.
• No, B is not a back-up dancer for a female pop-singer. Where did you get that idea?

Oh, back to the wedding planner. Why plan at all? I think we should all just show up and wing it. We've seen enough movies and attended enough weddings to go this a fairly good go. Granted, I have been recently watching a bunch of Marx Brothers movies and I can not guarantee that some zany antics would not happen. Again, a great way to liven up a wedding. If you see me in a grease paint mustache, I would pay attention, it is going to get good.

Thanks as always for checking in. I will try to update a bit more frequently, but feel free to send ideas in the comments section. Have a hot dog for me!