Pack It Up, Pack It In *OR* Do I Really 4 Pairs Of White Nikes?

It is so close, I can taste it. Scratch that. It is so close, I can smell it. Yup, that sounds about right.  The bachelor party is nearly upon us. Let the mild-mannered debauchery begin!

It seems it will be me, Zach Morris, a small bale of hay, a pretzel, and some bottles of liquid. Just what I wanted.

With the trip being so close, I thought I would put together a handy packing list for B. This way, he knows exactly what to bring and can get a sense of what might be happening that weekend.

1. You have to bring your tear-away pants. Be sure to bring the fancy ones, I don't want it looking like you are about to jump on the basketball court. Thunder From Down Under keeps it classy.

2.  Hand sanitizer. I can't guarantee the cleanliness of the some of things that you will be doing. You don't want to catch a cold or anything.

3. Your inhaler. I don't think you have asthma, but when we're done with you, you might have trouble catching your breath.

4.  Road flares. You never know, do you?

5.  Cattle guard. I've seen you drive and we know you once ran through about 450 cows in one swipe. Better to be safe that sorry.

6.  Clothes pins. I can't tell you know what you need them for, but trust me.

7.  A small kite. I hear there is a nice long stretch of road. We might have a convertible. Who doesn't love kite flying from a convertible?

8.  $25,000 bail money. Again, better to be safe than sorry. But I did look up all the laws in Vegas and I think for about 85% of them, $25,000 should bail you out.

9.  Novelty t-shirt announcing bachelor party.

10. Throat lozenges. There will be screaming. Again, I can't tell you from what, but you'll feel it the next day.

Oh sure, you can bring toiletries and some clothes if you need. But as long as you follow my list, you should be just fine. Good luck little man.

We Have Contact! *OR* Spend More Money On Me

Gather around folks, it's true story time. This week's episode is brought to you by the movie From Justin To Kelly.

Moving on, Brent Lee himself called me this past week. Sure, this may not sound like much to you, but considering he never calls and hardly sends a text or an email, this was a big break-through. You might think we only talked about horsepower and chicks, but it turns out that B does not really care much for horsepower. Therefore, we can assume he has never seen Top Gear and is about to lose his man-card.

 

Anyways, he informs me that I should think about making reservations at some hotel where they think they are having the wedding. I guess he hasn't been reading the blog, because I think we have opened up some alternative locations. Yes, you better hurry and make your reservations for a hotel nearly 6 months in advance to beat the St. Patrick's Day rush. Hey, I haven't even received the official invitation yet and you want me to make reservations? And wait, why am I paying to stay in some hotel to come to your wedding? Isn't that your responsibility? When I invite someone to my home for dinner, I don't make them bring dinner. Something must change here.

If that isn't enough, I am now informed that some guy with a pretty good beard has got to measure me for a tuxedo. 

 Again, I thought that we had explored some other options that were quite a bit more comfortable than wearing a tie, vest, coat, and someone else's shoes. And here comes the kicker, B wants me to pay for that too! Wait just a minute here, are you saying that none of my suits are good enough for you? I look pretty darn good in them and I have a wide variety of ties to choose from. This is all quite tragic.

Yes, the conversation turned elsewhere and we caught up on some things and discussed his Halloween costume, which I did not know was going to be shiny. 

I would not trust that man to pilot my red wagon, let alone an airplane. Did you know he once hit about 12 cows while driving a firetruck? Yup, this is your state money here folks.

Here's to waiting to hear from B until February when the groomsdudes go on a vacation and we see if B decides to tag along and call it his "bachelor party."

On The Eleventh & Twelfth Day Of Christmas

[We made it to twelve!]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Brent Lee gave to me

12 Bottles of 1997 Georges de Latour Cabernet Sauvignon

11 episodes of Cops

10 pairs of Nikes

9 kids named Carl

8 cereal boxes

7 Vegas cabana stays

6 vodka bottles

5 hot tub guests

4 ex-girlfriends

3 smashed cows

2 Chevy trucks

and a Vanilla Ice CD

On The Ninth & Tenth Day Of Christmas

On the tenth day of Christmas, Brent Lee gave to me
10 pairs of Nikes

9 kids named Carl

8 cereal boxes

7 Vegas cabana stays

6 vodka bottles

5 hot tub guests

4 ex-girlfriends

3 smashed cows

2 Chevy trucks

and a Vanilla Ice CD

On The Seventh & Eighth Day Of Christmas

On the eighth day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me
8 cereal boxes

7 Vegas cabana stays

6 vodka bottles

5 hot tub guests

4 ex-girlfriends

3 smashed cows

2 Chevy trucks

and a Vanilla Ice CD

On The Fifth & Sixth Day Of Christmas

[Part 3 in a continuing series...]

On the sixth day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me
six bottles of vodka

five hot tub guests

four ex-girlfriends

three smashed cows

two Chevy trucks

and a Vanilla Ice CD

On The Third & Fourth Days Of Christmas

[We've just begun Downward Brent Lee's Twelve Days Of Christmas. Join in, won't you?]



On the fourth day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me.
Four ex-girlfriends

Three smashed cows

Two Chevy trucks

And a Vanilla Ice CD