Wednesday, February 6, 2013

We Interrupt This Blog For An Important Announcement!

Shop Vanilla Ice Lighting with Capitol Lighting's 1-800lighting.com

YES!!!!! This exists! If you go to www.lightslightsbaby.com you will see the next step in home lighting design...lights by America's hero: Vanilla Ice. Well, maybe not America's hero, but certainly the hero of Downward Brent Lee.

Check back soon for a relevant blog entry.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What Happens When You Give A Baby A Gun *OR* Let's Get Registered

Greetings from Downward Brent Lee headquarters; the top of the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. Please don't buy this building, it's the only thing we have left!

 This week, we have a very special blog for you. And once I write it, I'll let you know what the heck it is about...................(still thinking).........................(still thinking)......................oh, I got it, today is all about the baby registry.

Who doesn't like getting free stuff all because you got knocked up? If you think about it, this is a weird thing to give a gift for, but it seems that we do it all the time. Just think about your birthday. We're celebrating the fact that your mother got knocked up and you get presents. Pretty sweet gig I say.

The registry is the chance to run around with a gun and point it at things that you think you want and need. This all sounds great until you have the kid and you realize that the wipe warmer you asked for is about the dumbest thing in the world. All the baby cares about is that it has a clean diaper, not that you coddled it's hindquarters with a luke-warm baby wipe. Or one of my personal favorites is the booger sucker. Because you and your baby won't share enough bodily fluids in the months/years to come that you should suck out their boogers with your own mouth. Gee, no thanks.
That picture makes it look like she is giving the baby a tattoo. How cool!

You can spend hours at your favorite baby store and walk out with nothing. I honestly did that once, we were trying to get ideas and we left more confused than when we had started. Way to go Babies (backward R) Us. Sure, I could spend time and space giving you great ideas about the things that you really need, but isn't it more fun to make those mistakes on your own? Spend hundreds of dollars on crap you will set up but never use? My one suggestion is keep some of the other stuff in boxes with receipts for when you come to your senses that the electric bottle warmer for the car is just not needed.

Really, if you want to make your registry useful, just get a mountain of diapers. Thank me later.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Save The World's Largest Rectal Thermometer *OR* How Bun Boy Nearly Killed Me

Happy New Year from your friends at Downward Brent Lee, your internet headquarters for everything Brent Lee related. Yup, it's a small store, but we are potent. Like skunk spray.

With a new year comes new responsibilities. Your friends at Downward Brent Lee will try to update with a bit more regularity, but we promise nothing. Brent will take on new responsibilities as a new father to little Carl. Let's see how awkward he can make holding a baby look.

2013 brings some interesting news, one of the favorite topics here at Downward Brent Lee is in danger and needs our help. I'm not talking about Vanilla Ice, I think he is doing fine turning hipster and remodeling homes. No, I'm talking about the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer in beautiful Baker, CA. Situated in the middle of the drive between Las Vegas and Los Angeles, the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer stands as a beacon to all that is good to be found in Baker. I can tell you from experience though, that it does not point to Bun Boy, the world's only hamburger laced with radioactive waste. As mentioned in previous posts, Greg and this author ventured to the Bun Boy to partake in their widely advertised burgers. Not only did it take 30 minutes to bring a burger to our table (there were only 6 people in the restaurant), but somehow this burger was burned to a near-coal-like texture and retained heat as only a ceramic pot coming out of the kiln could. And somehow, through a legitimate miracle, that heat stayed with it as it was forced down our collective throat and settled, like a hot coal, in the stomach. This author had never wanted to get to Vegas so quickly in his life.
Back to the topic at hand, next door to the world's most reactive burger, stands the mighty edifice of the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. It stands to tell travelers that the desert is either really freakin' hot or downright freezing. There seems to be no in-between.
The sad news here folks is that this unneeded structure is being sold. You can get a thermometer, some land, and a gift shop all for $1.75 million. It's a bargain at twice the price. What else says "Welcome to the World, Little Carl!" like a giant thermometer that can be seen from the I-15? Nothing, I tell you, nothing! So B, you must buy this and put it in your front yard.

Three stacks, a rock, and a giant thermometer!


Let's save this great landmark and relocate the thing to the beautiful central coast of California.