Thursday, September 29, 2011

My Super Sweet Wedding *OR* Is That Local Music Sensation Vanilla Ice?

I know I am bit behind the times on this one, I mean, this show was on at least a year and a half ago, but I assume you have seen or at least heard of the MTV program "My Super Sweet Sixteen." Granted, we could argue the actual benefits of MTV playing music videos, but this isn't Rolling Stone (another of a dying breed?). I will just say that I do remember them playing videos, so much that my dad enjoyed watching it and couldn't wait to see a Thomas Dolby video.



But the point here is that these teens felt the need to throw these oddly lavish parties and show their "friends" how spoiled they were and how they could complain that daddy only bought them the base model Aston Martin and not the one James Bond drives.
But my favorite part is how everyone lines up and guesses about who the big performer at the party is going to be. Maybe it will be Jay-Z, maybe it's Green Day, maybe it's Tony Orlando. And then of course, the performer is announced and it is some third-rate rapper with a mix-tape who lives in his mother's basement and has made some gold chains with a bunch of spray paint.
B and Corrin can do better. They can get some A-level entertainment from beyond the Central Coast of California. I think we need to start talking to our hero over here at Downward Brent Lee, Vanilla Ice!
We might even be able to get a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but I hear their schedules are pretty busy with kid's birthday parties.



If this is all it takes to be a back-up dancer, I think I have found a new career!

Yes, I think we need some big name entertainment at this wedding, something to really make it stand out. Since I assume that no one's daddy is going to buying them a new BMW, this is the next best thing. I'll have the home office here give Mr. Ice a call. You can thank me later. "Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!"

Friday, September 23, 2011

It's Cool, She's With Me *OR* Don't Be A Loser, Bring A Date

Are you aware there are 175 days left until I get to stop blogging, oh, and 'till B and Corrin (or Radio, as I have named them) are wedded? Some may be nervous about this, but boy am I excited about the prospect of letting this poor blog whiter away and die a glorious death. Can you burn a blog in a bonfire?
Moving on, for those of you who may be single, you might be dreading going off to a wedding to see your friends tie the knot and begin a life of quiet solitude and wishing they had really thought more about this whole marriage thing (kidding here folks, calm down). Let's be honest though, you are mostly dreading having to go to another wedding by yourself. Sure, no one to talk to, no one to gossip to about the bridesmaids selection of jewelry, no one to clink glasses with- it's really quite sad. As always, I am here to help and I have a few suggestions.

1. Quit cryin' chump!
2. Find another stag friend and take them. Make cute chitter-chatter the entire night.
3. Hurry up and find someone to date online.
4. Russian bride!
Or, my favorite idea...
5. Craigslist!

Yes, the home to free furniture, random tutoring jobs, and a way to find those lost connections is a great way to find a date. Now, I've never used the personals section of Craigslist, so let's try this together, shall we? And I am only doing this for research purposes for you, I will be taking my lovely wife to the wedding. Ok, so I am on the Craigslist for SLO, just to get into the mood. But again, for science I will click on "women seeking men" and....whoa...there are a lot of warnings here. Don't get AIDS, this person could kill you, well, that bodes confidence. Alright, I will take the risk, moving on...and this is the first ad I see:

I gotta sweet tooth...


Date: 2011-09-22, 2:18PM PDT
Reply to:


for chocolate! Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, mocha, honey, brown sugar, maple syrup.....you get the idea be at least aged 25, thick and rich (not money rich) and creamy :)
Im over 25, smooth, creamy french vanilla :) email me. I am serious! I love chocolate and need a fix! its hard to find around here :( 


Yikes!  BACK BACK BACK. This is just a bit too scary for me. Thank goodness I am already married. I have no idea what this woman is talking about. Is she one of those chocolate Easter bunnies? If so, how does she type? She doesn't have fingers! And what kind of rich is not money rich? I don't get this at all. Ok, nevermind here folks. Skip Craigslist, you're better off hanging out at the grocery store and just looking desperate.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Buy Me This *OR* Building Your Registry

A side note before we begin: I have my iTunes on shuffle and what has come up? If you guessed "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba you would be correct. If you guessed anything else, you would be completely wrong. Luckily for you, I prefer this version done by They Might Be Giants as part of the AV Club.




This song is still going. We get it already, you get knocked down by you get up again. Enough already. Phew, it is over, and now I've got some folk troubadour Tim Easton.

We all love getting free things. The funny thing about the wedding though is that you have to pay to have us eat your food and drink your drink and all you get back is a toaster and maybe some towels. But creating that registry can be a point of contention for any couple. Maybe one of you wants a completely pink patterned room and the other person can't stand pink patterns.



You're just hosed, forget about the whole thing and move on. OK, maybe not, but this is a time to practice compromise. Sure, you can go crazy and register for anything with a bar code (I'm looking at you DVD of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians..and yes, I have actually seen this movie).
And then you have to ask the important questions. Have I lived without that $400 trash can? Have I seen that $15 version at Target work just fine? Tough call. That could be $385 that someone else spends on my kitschy Vanilla Ice needs.
I'll admit though, that bar code guns lets you wield some odd power. I can choose anything in this store, from gum to guns and someone might buy it for me.
This couple is registering in the Mop N' Glo section.
The danger here is that you may get all the gum you can chew, but none of the stuff you actually need (sheets, towels, Elvis toasters). Just go the gift card route. Heck, my brother-in-law just moved last month and found wedding gift cards from 8 years ago. And we're not talking about cards to Dusty's Rusty Tack Shack, no, these are legit stores.

I can guarantee one thing though: you will argue while you register. It happens all the time. Guy wants cinder block and girl wants pink and fluffy. Enjoy those conversations, you'll regret the compromise you make later.

Hey, this post is great, check out the random tags for today!

And for those who care, I am now listening to The Shangri-Las song "Remember (Walking In The Sand)"

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I'm In *AND* I'm Feeling Slighted

I'm in! I received my save-the-date magnet, no going back now. They had their chance to not invite me, but they blew it. SUCKERS! Now I will be there in all my blogging glory, hogging the limelight and embarrassing B at every turn. I've made it to the most exclusive party of the spring. Sorry Puff Daddy.
However, I will admit I am bit sad. Sure, I was invited. Sure, I got the commemorative magnet. Sure, I have to stand somewhere during the ceremony. But my poor little blog is conspicuously missing from the save-the-date. Yes, their little wedding website is listed, but there is no mention of this blog. I've worked long and hard on this thing and this is the thanks I get? After 109 posts (in less than a year, mind you) and over 4,000 page views and 28 mentions of Vanilla Ice, this life-altering blog gets no mention. It hurts. You put your heart and soul into something and this is the way you are repaid? There had better be a bunch of filet mignon for me when I get to that wedding.

Do you know what hurts the most? They didn't use my pictures! How could you not use these? They really give you a sense of the love between B and Corrin. It also frames their youth and innocence. A big loss if you ask me.
Luckily for them, I am a big man. I'll get over it somehow. I'll be there in my groomsdude ensemble trying not to outshine everyone else there. I guess just being invited is a triumph unto itself.