Home Stretch *OR* Best Wedding Gift Ever

We're just over a week away until B and Corrin finally get married and I get to put this poor blog to bed. I think we can all breath a sigh of relief over that one. But hey, over 7,000 page views and multiple references to Vanilla Ice later, I think we've created something that will stand the test of time. This is, of course, assuming that time only lasts about 3 more weeks.

I teased in the last post about the awesome wedding gift I got for B and Corrin. Thanks to some mix up with the Postal Service (and you wonder why they are bankrupt), the original never got there. So an online chat with Amazon.com later and a delivery via UPS, I can now finally reveal the best wedding present ever. I know you think that you can top it by searching for something of their registry, but you would be wrong. I have given B the gift that will simply keep on giving. He even said we could have it at the wedding. Yes, I got a copy of Vanilla Ice's movie "Cool As Ice."

Note how it says he is starring in his first motion picture. Did he make another? Oh, and no, I did not get the VHS, I got the re-release on DVD. I have shared this scene of the blog before, but it can stand a repeat.



This is solid all around. As far as I can tell there is a lot of staring off and talking to one's self while riding a motorcycle. I am sure that B will fill us in as time goes on.

In other news, I have picked up my tuxedo already. I don't want to spoil all the details since I will be looking *so fresh and so fine*, but there is some green in it.

And yes, while in a tuxedo, I do make that face and strike that pose all the time. Aren't you all lucky to be there to witness that? I did note that the tuxedo came with pants that were not my jeans. B, am I really supposed to wear some other guy's pants? Ugh.

Just a week left! Let's get this show on the road, I'm a busy man. Actually, this is oddly true, but I won't bore you with the details. I will be hearing some Vanilla Ice at the wedding, right? Otherwise, he is going to upset that he came out to the wedding and didn't hear any of his songs. Drat, I think I just ruined the surprise.

Getting Dapper *OR* Miami Vice Is Back....Again

Since the bachelor party is over I guess we have to focus on the actual wedding now and all of those last minute details. As a groomsdude, I am moderately busy making hotel reservations and trying to figure how to get to this wedding. I'm working on my spray tan and getting all juiced up for the pictures.

Greg and I did go today to get fitted for the wedding tuxedo. It has been a long time since I have had to rent a tux, so I was surprised that we didn't have to even try them on. The woman helping us though was not in the mood to deal with our rapid-fire humor. Basically she was a big downer. I think I'm going to have to go tanning to get over this depression.

Brent never told us what the tuxes look like, so guess what a shock it was to see this coat get draped over my beefy shoulders.

I look pretty good in a white coat and this should go well with green and it is a nice throwback to Miami Vice.

As Greg and I were checking out how awesome we would look in a few weeks, we decided that tuxedos are just so...plain. Basically you have a coat and pants with some shiny parts and a vest. There is no opportunity to be original or stand out in a crowd. Unless you look like James Bond and have an Aston Martin at your disposal, you need something extra. So while we were at the mall we may have done a little more shopping. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I can tell you that we are going to stand out. It will be a delightful, if not dapper, addition to an otherwise boring ensemble.

In other news, I bought them a wedding present. Again, I can't ruin the surprise here (I'll tell you next week), but I may have found something not on the registry. And yes, it is something that every household needs. It certainly fills a void that you may not have known was there. I will give you a hint, it actually does appear in this blog in an earlier post. And no, it is not this:

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another *OR* Prank My House, Please

Hi there, long time, no blog. Not that you care. Will this wedding ever get here, I am really running dry on topics for this blog.

In speaking with B the other week, he mentioned that I might be able to hang at his house after the wedding. I am sure the dear followers of the blog know what kind of a mistake that invitation was. I made no commitment to the idea yet, but I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. I didn't want to get into some binding legal agreement. Granted, B did say that I could only stay there if I promised to not do anything to the house. Now really, where is the fun in that? I know we have covered some ideas before, but I think I can go another step forward. So what other pranks can we pull on B & Corrin's (Radio) house when they are away on their honeymoon? Glad you asked.

Sure, we could go traditional and do the Jell-O in the bathtub, but it seems so played out. So how about a bathtub of Cheetos?

This would be horrible for me, as I don't like Cheetos at all.

And yes, you could move all the furniture around, but how about you put it on the ceiling? I think I would have to rent a nail gun for this, which makes it all the more fun.

Speaking of fun, what kid hasn't wished that their house was a castle? And what castle is complete without a moat? That's right, no castle worth it's salt doesn't have a moat! This is great, because I get to rent a backhoe with this one.

Maybe I'm thinking too small. I've always liked Radio's house, but wished it was just somewhere else. Let's just move the entire thing to Currie, NV. It shouldn't take that long.

Too big? Let's scale back and just wrap the house in a fumigation tent but use a lot of glue. This way we keep the house safe and insulated for their return.

My guess is that they won't be driving to their honeymoon destination, so both cars might be there. Hmmm, I wonder how many Geo Metros I could get for their cars?

Who wouldn't want a fleet of practical, fuel efficient cars? I am sure that B wouldn't be laughed out of the fire house on that one.

Which one will I do? Who says it will only be one? Check back in late March and I'll give you the lowdown on what happened.

Rules, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Rules *OR* Put Down That Phone

In my continuing quest to bring you the 223rd best blog on the internet, I am always doing research. I crash some weddings, I host some wedding showers, I shop for tuxedos, and I go to the epicenter of the relationship between B and Corrin. That's right, I go to Morro Bay, home of not one, not two, but three stacks and one rock.

 I spoke with one of the other groomsdudes and B's brother, Paul. Of course the conversation steered itself toward our vacation. Collectively, the groomsdudes, who are all married and have children, simply need a vacation. If B wants to come along we can call it a bachelor party. If B does decide to join, we have all agreed that there must be some ground rules for our time wherever we go. So B, pay attention, stop watching reruns of 90210 and take some notes here.

• Married guys get as much phone time as they like. You, however, get 20 minutes per day, to be decided upon by the groomsdudes. You might get all 20 minutes at one time, you might only get about 30 seconds. You never know, but we'll let you know when you can use your phone. Otherwise your phone must be surrendered to a groomsdude.
• Your wardrobe will be chosen by the groomsdudes. You will wear what has been chosen. Don't bother packing any clothes, we have you covered...literally.
• Bring your wallet. There is a good chance you will be footing the bill for everything.
• Should Greg and I have our way, you will only be eating condiments and packets of saltines at all meals.
• There is a good chance you will be going to an all-male revue of some sort. You will go. You will not say anything. Otherwise, you will become part of the all-male revue.
• You will take all abuse, verbal and physical, with a smile. We may taunt you quite a bit about running into cows. Just smile.
• Should we allow you to drink alcohol, Jave gets to choose it. Remember it has been 10 years since he had a drink and he isn't so familiar with what is good anymore. Enjoy your watered down generic beer.

• You might be sleeping in a bathtub. Deal with it. If you don't complain, we will give you a pillow.
• At any time you may be asked to do either the Roger Rabbit or the Running Man. You will comply.
• Karaoke bars will be open. Just keep that in mind.
• Wherever we end up, it is a long walk back to Morro Bay. Wear some comfortable shoes.
• Your music selections will be between Marcy Playground and Kris Kross. Choose wisely.

Failure to adhere to any of these rules will result in sheer mayhem during the wedding. And guess who you would have to answer to for that. If you guessed Corrin, you would be correct. The rules have been laid out, it is now in your hands. Remember, anything else would be "wiggidity, wiggidity, wiggidity, wack!"

Skip The Toast, More Wilco! *OR* What Has The Stig Done For Me Lately?

You've waiting patiently and here we go, a new blog entry today. Of course, the problem becomes what on earth to write about?

Some of the Lee clan was down in the civilized world this past weekend to associate with their friends and of course the topic turned to the wedding. I asked Paul about his speech, to see if he had any ideas, because I don't want to trample on his speech with my own. Greg was interested as well, because we all need to be unique. Of course, this will be difficult when we are each trying to fill in our allotted toast time of 40 minutes or so. I was thinking I may put together a multimedia presentation.

I hope there is a big enough room for a screen this size. I've got some great pictures that will look amazing at 40' wide. I guess the issue now is what to talk about. I assume that Paul will actually talk about B and Corrin, so there is no need to rehash that old subject. Greg could talk about a variety of things, but I really hope he presents his "Top Gear" thesis.

I think I may try to cover the career of alternative rock darlings, Wilco.

I am pretty sure the folks at the wedding will appreciated being enlightened about some of the more important aspects of the art culture in the modern day.

Too often we get a bit too involved in the bride and groom at the wedding. Life still goes on and they need to learn it is not always about them. You can have your few moments, but let's talk about some of the bigger things in life, shall we? And darnit, you are going to sit there for the entire time that each of us is speaking and you are going to take notes. You will be turning in those notes at the end of the wedding and be graded.

So sit back, relax, enjoy the presentations and don't worry, the beef won't get that cold.

Buy Me This *OR* Building Your Registry

A side note before we begin: I have my iTunes on shuffle and what has come up? If you guessed "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba you would be correct. If you guessed anything else, you would be completely wrong. Luckily for you, I prefer this version done by They Might Be Giants as part of the AV Club.




This song is still going. We get it already, you get knocked down by you get up again. Enough already. Phew, it is over, and now I've got some folk troubadour Tim Easton.

We all love getting free things. The funny thing about the wedding though is that you have to pay to have us eat your food and drink your drink and all you get back is a toaster and maybe some towels. But creating that registry can be a point of contention for any couple. Maybe one of you wants a completely pink patterned room and the other person can't stand pink patterns.

You're just hosed, forget about the whole thing and move on. OK, maybe not, but this is a time to practice compromise. Sure, you can go crazy and register for anything with a bar code (I'm looking at you DVD of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians..and yes, I have actually seen this movie).

And then you have to ask the important questions. Have I lived without that $400 trash can? Have I seen that $15 version at Target work just fine? Tough call. That could be $385 that someone else spends on my kitschy Vanilla Ice needs.

I'll admit though, that bar code guns lets you wield some odd power. I can choose anything in this store, from gum to guns and someone might buy it for me.

This couple is registering in the Mop N' Glo section.

The danger here is that you may get all the gum you can chew, but none of the stuff you actually need (sheets, towels, Elvis toasters). Just go the gift card route. Heck, my brother-in-law just moved last month and found wedding gift cards from 8 years ago. And we're not talking about cards to Dusty's Rusty Tack Shack, no, these are legit stores.

I can guarantee one thing though: you will argue while you register. It happens all the time. Guy wants cinder block and girl wants pink and fluffy. Enjoy those conversations, you'll regret the compromise you make later.

Hey, this post is great, check out the random tags for today!

And for those who care, I am now listening to The Shangri-Las song "Remember (Walking In The Sand)"

I'm In *AND* I'm Feeling Slighted

I'm in! I received my save-the-date magnet, no going back now. They had their chance to not invite me, but they blew it. SUCKERS! Now I will be there in all my blogging glory, hogging the limelight and embarrassing B at every turn. I've made it to the most exclusive party of the spring. Sorry Puff Daddy.

However, I will admit I am bit sad. Sure, I was invited. Sure, I got the commemorative magnet. Sure, I have to stand somewhere during the ceremony. But my poor little blog is conspicuously missing from the save-the-date. Yes, their little wedding website is listed, but there is no mention of this blog. I've worked long and hard on this thing and this is the thanks I get? After 109 posts (in less than a year, mind you) and over 4,000 page views and 28 mentions of Vanilla Ice, this life-altering blog gets no mention. It hurts. You put your heart and soul into something and this is the way you are repaid? There had better be a bunch of filet mignon for me when I get to that wedding.

Do you know what hurts the most? They didn't use my pictures! How could you not use these? They really give you a sense of the love between B and Corrin. It also frames their youth and innocence. A big loss if you ask me.

Luckily for them, I am a big man. I'll get over it somehow. I'll be there in my groomsdude ensemble trying not to outshine everyone else there. I guess just being invited is a triumph unto itself.

199 Days Left *OR* A Wedding To-Do List

We're nearing the home stretch here folks on this wedding and the merciful ending of this blog. Have you ever tried to write a wedding themed blog for over a year all while trying to keep the content fresh? Call me when you figure that one out Mr. Smarty-Pants. I can't imagine anyone will miss the blog, in fact, I may end it much like a Mission: Impossible task where it may self-destruct in a few hours. Once I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know, but you may want to stand back.

Okay young people, before Tom Cruise did Mission: Impossible there was a t.v. show and the messages would self-destruct. This is a picture of said action.

Only 199 days left until we get Radio (my nickname for B and Corrin) hitched and on their way to wedded bliss. And then only 200 days until they realize that wedded bliss is merely a cover story for "discussions" over who is doing the dishes...but I digress.

Any organized couple. ok, let's be honest, any organized bride will have her to-do list. So to help out Corrin, I have come up with her to-do list. This will keep her on schedule and make her life so much easier.

1. Make To-Do List (see, already done, you can cross this bad boy off!)
2. Add to To-Do List (another one down. This is easy.)
3. Review To-Do List (so far, so good)
4. Do To-Do List (hmm, I think we got that one done too. You're welcome).

Okay, that was easier than expected. Gheesh, people think these lists are so difficult. I just knocked that bad boy out in about 30 seconds and now I have time to watch Top Gear. First I think I will enjoy this Beatles song that came up on my iTunes; When I'm Sixty-Four off of their Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album.

This is a great album, a seminal album really. It influenced the Beach Boys to make Pet Sounds, which is another great album. Seriously, the Beatles really raised the bar here. You compare these songs to what they were doing on Meet The Beatles and it doesn't even compare.

Ugh, off topic again eh? Um, okay, you should play this full album at the wedding. It may confuse some, but the older folks and those that appreciate music will enjoy the wedding all the more. So play this album and show this picture of B and all will be good:

I've Heard Of A Shotgun Wedding, But A Vending Machine Wedding?

 

I have just saved B and Corrin thousands of dollars. I hope that they will send some of those savings over to me. Oh, you're wondering what on earth this pink thing is, aren't you? As you can clearly see, this is the AutoWed Wedding Machine. This is what the fine folks at Concept Shed have to say about it:

"An idea we had been dying to build for over a year, AutoWed is a novelty wedding machine offering a quick hitch, a couple of rings and a personalised certificate for just £1/$1. Audio prompts, specially produced music, a bespoke retro keyboard and VFD display, ring vending and ticket printer all wrapped up in a Cadillac-pink cabinet with shiny aluminium fittings. We built the unit shown here specially for Marvin's Marvellous Mechanical Museum in Detroit, USA.
Buy now - call us and we will build you one to order."

Where do you even start with this wonder of technology? Sure, we can send man to the moon, we have driverless cars (thanks Google), but is has taken us until 2011 to realize the full potential of the vending machine? Oh humanity, why do you let me down so often?

Who wants to deal with all the romance, show, and personalization of a wedding presided over by a real human? But who wants to deal with the hassles of getting married over Skype? This bad boy will vend you a ring AND it has a keyboard? Wow, that must be the deluxe model for sure. 

All this for a dollar? I can't buy a soda at a vending machine for a dollar and now they are going to offer me a wedding? Put a few of these things in Vegas and watch the divorce rate climb even higher! Right next to this machine, they should have an annulment one where you can return the ring. And next to that should be some sort of beverage dispenser. Heck, you could have quite a row of vending machines.

1. Beer machine
2. Hard alcohol machine
3. Prophylactic machine
4. AutoWed Wedding Machine
5. Photo booth
6. Champagne machine
7. Cake machine
8. Another prophylactic machine
9. Annulment machine
10. Airline ticket kiosk/check-in

It is kind of like the 5 stages of grief, just the 10 stages of a marriage.

Don't Tase Me Bro *OR* This Wedding Is Shocking!

Weddings nowadays lack a certain....personality. I understand that the bride has often dreamed of her wedding day for years and now that her prince has arrived, she wants everything to be perfect. I don't know how many brides expect their wedding to have Star Trek theme, but when they meet their geeky husbands-to-be somehow he brainwashes her and something like this happens:

Luckily for all of us, I don't think that B has ever seen an episode of Star Trek, so we are safe from having to dig out our Vulcan ears for this party.

I think we have seen, attended, or planned the perfect wedding. Let's do something more unique. Let's add an element of fun for the 30-somethings that will be there with their kids. I've got two words for you:

LASER TAG!

Look at how much fun these people are having. Their fake smiles really sell the deal. Maybe you don't want to be stuck inside on a glorious March day, maybe you prefer the great outdoors. Well, I have another suggestion:

PAINTBALL!

Is it sad this picture exists?

I can say for certain that I know that Corrin wants to run around outdoors in her wedding dress while B takes sniper shots at her from behind a tree. That white dress? It has become a work of art!

The fact that this is a Canadian couple makes me feel better.

And I'm not just talking about the bride and groom. I think right in the middle of the ceremony, someone just leaps up and yells "PAINTBALL!" and everyone runs to grab a gun and goes crazy. Sorry Grandma, I just pelted you with a triple-round burst of orange! Enjoy those bruises!

Please tell me that you have seen the episodes of "Community" where they have the paintball wars? If not, do yourself a favor and watch them, and then you can send me a thank you note.

This is a great way to make your wedding memorable and to leave a lasting impression upon your guests. And think of it this way, half of them won't want to play and will leave before food is served, therefore dropping your costs. GENIUS!

I Object *OR* How To Ruin A Wedding

We've all seen those movies where something goes horribly wrong during the wedding. One of the wedding party is missing because they are tracking down a monkey who has one of the rings. An ex-boyfriend comes rushing in to yell "I object" from a high place within the church, which, of course, begs the question, couldn't he just use the main entrance and not waste time by climbing stairs? Someone lets a pet loose during the ceremony and, whoops, there goes the cake. Oh, the hilarity and oh, the humiliation for the bride and groom.

I am not saying that I want any of these things to happen to either B or Corrin. But think of the wealth of source material this would provide. We would all have stories to tell at our next dinner party! "Well, I was at a wedding recently and you will never guess what happened..." I might actually have something to contribute to a conversation instead of staring at the wall and hoping that this night will end soon and I won't be put on the spot and that no one will notice that I started to shove extra meatballs into my son's diaper bag for my future use. Too specific?

What we have to make sure happens though is that the photographer is able to document the situation like a National Geographic photojournalist. I want some beautiful pictures that put me in the moment. I want to feel the pain of Corrin and the horror of B. I want to access the anger that those involved feel.

To this end, I think we need to place some plants (not the foliage kind). I am going to encourage people that have a +1 one their invitation to bring people I choose. They will fit in, I promise. I might even try to do a match.com thing and find you an appropriate date. Yet, at the chosen moment they will instigate the proper distraction. It could range from a loud belch to a cherry bomb placed carefully in the cake.

Now, don't anyone else get any ideas here. I am a trained professional and it will not be appreciated in the appropriate fashion if anyone attempts this. I will have set the proper boundaries for behavior and mayhem.

I'll give you some hints here, only because I care. These 'events' have been sanctioned by myself and should not cause any more alarm than needed, and we certainly do not need to call the authorities again.

• As mentioned, a nice firecracker for the cake. KA-BOOM!
• Big Mexican wrestler takes out B in the middle of the vows. Hilarity ensues.
• Crazy PETA activist runs up to Corrin and throws red paint on her screaming "FUR IS MURDER!" not recognizing Corrin is not wearing any fur.
• Expensive catered meal is quickly replaced with Arby's sandwiches.
• Groomsmen, during a quiet moment, bring back the Superbowl Shuffle.

Flock of killer doves released at 5 minute intervals.

Pair of teenagers are paid to awkwardly make out during ceremony and reception.

Instead of Bridesmaids, B's former girlfriends walk down the aisle in hate-fueled rage.

Again, this is just a sample of the hilarity that may occur. I just want to keep everyone on their toes during the ceremony.

Phew, planning a wedding is difficult, but planning an interrupted wedding is even more difficult.

Yo DJ, Spin Those Tunes *OR* If I Hear Any Miley Cyrus, I'm Walking

I am sure I have lamented the fact that so many weddings are so similar. There are only so many things you can do with a bride, a groom, a dance floor and some dried out convention hall chicken. I could be like Einstein here and make some amazing mathematical equation to get the generic wedding. Luckily, we here at Downward Brent Lee are not about generic weddings. Oh no, we seek out the unique, the unusual, the things that are going to stand out. Now, I admit that planning a wedding in the Central Coast of California opens up some beautiful locations, but does limit some of the other options. You try finding a good Elvis impersonator near Morro Bay. This ain't Vegas folks!

The same goes for DJs. You can't just walk on down to the Roxy (a notorious rock club in Los Angeles) and get some raw talent. No, you just have to ask around see whose iPod Micro has the most music.

I address the rest of this post to that "DJ" who will spinning the dope jams at B and Corrin's wedding. I am sure the couple has had some requests and for the most part, I will let those stand. But here are my requests:

• Shut up. No one is here to hear you ramble on about love, how cute the couple is, or how impressive it is to see Big Jim up there break dancing.
• You must play one Refreshments song. "Banditos" is my choice, but you have two albums to choose from, go wild.
• The crowd would like to hear at least one Vanilla Ice song. He is our personal hero.
• Bridesmaids are allowed to have one collective song. This song may be country. It may not be Shania Twain.
• If you try to scratch any records, I will scratch ALL of your records. Don't be a showoff.
• If you dare try to involve me in any shenanigans, I will cut you.
• If we must toss garters and flowers, you are not allowed any commentary. You are not Vin Scully.
• However, if the DJ is Vin Scully, no music will be played. I just want to hear stories.

• You are not allowed to play "Celebration", "YMCA", or "Baby Got Back."
• If you can find the "Mortal Kombat" soundtrack, you may play that in its entirity.
• Should you embarrass B's parents, I can assure you that you will be cut.
• I would encourage you to play the band Cake while the cake is being cut. It only seems right.
• Sappy Disney songs will get you cut as well.

Do I request a lot as a wedding guest? I don't think so. As we have established in previous posts, I am the life of the party and people are there to see me. I have been to enough weddings to know that there are plenty of things that I do not like. Should you, Mr. DJ break any one of these rules, I will...you guessed it...cut you.

*The author reserves the right to substitute "cut" with "shank" as he sees fit.

We've Done It *AND* Gimme Some Swag

This humble little blog, which used to be updated nearly 5 times a week and has now gone down to once a week (so sad) has crested 3,000 page views. I think only Facebook gets more traffic than this site. Why bother using another homepage when Downward Brent Lee has all the information you could want? News? Check. Entertainment? Check. Pictures? Check. Brent Lee? Oh yeah, double check. Blog dripping in sarcasm? Yup, check that one too.

Honestly though, 3,000 views? Crazy. It helps when you steal the right pictures and use some key labels in your blog, but I don't want to give away all of my secrets.

Back to what we are here for, exciting wedding information. You've been sitting at home all week clicking refresh on this website, just hoping that there would be an update. Well, wait no longer, here you are. I got a little lazy last week as I returned from a trip to San Diego. Not that you care, so moving on again.

I hear through the grapevine that the wedding between B and Corrin (remember them?), will feature some over the top things. I don't want to spill all the beans, otherwise I won't have anything else to blog about, but I hear the party favors are B-A-N-A-N-A-S. What does that even mean? That things are bananas? What a strange thing for something else to be. "Gee, I'm a fruit that Mr. Tallyman wants to tally."

While other weddings are content leaving you with a program, or maybe food-poisoning, B and Corrin are going to be hooking us up. Unlike Oprah and her favorite things, B is going to be sharing with us some of his favorite things. Now, keep in mind that 9 out of his top ten favorite things are either alcohol or Facebook games, which leaves us with one real option: DVD copies of COPS!

Yes, you get a DVD box set, and you get a DVD box set. One lucky person will also be taking home a pair of fuzzy handcuffs (don't ask).

Enough of the tiny little bag of M&Ms, no more candy in a little dish, no personalized CD of songs from the bride and groom. Nope, we're talking DVDs of the long-running television show where 97% of those appearing on the show are on meth. Even the cops themselves. Ever wanted to see what East Las Vegas looks like? How about Compton? Maybe rural Georgia is more your speed? You'll see them all in this exciting box set of COPS (filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement).

I don't know about you, but I can hardly wait to bring my copy home, make some popcorn, put in my stadium pal and let the hours pass away.

Classy

Something For The Kids *OR* I Believe The Children Are Our Future

"BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" is a fairly common chant when one is talking about the budget woes in California. We'll leave politics out of this blog as I have found that it makes for uneasy conversation with my friends- trust me- we tried it once and we were all a bit creeped out. Let's talk about those kids though, shall we?

There are usually a few children at every wedding. One will inevitably dance with her father and pictures will be taken and women will be smitten. Then there will be the boy and girl around ages 3 and 4 that will dance with each other and again, women will be smitten. Of course there will be the little boy in the tuxedo and...you guessed it, women will be smitten. We can't forget about the little girl who is so excited to wear her new dress and parade around and...if the trend continues, (say it with me) women will be smitten. Men won't notice much of this at all. We will be wondering when the next meat course is due to come out of the kitchen (there will be multiple meat courses, right?)

Back to the children, I assume there will be a flower girl and a ring bearer. I would like to nominate myself for ring bearer. I did an awesome job when I was about 3 years old and I would like to repeat on my previous success. And there will be other children there as well. How can we keep them entertained? Simple: PONY RIDES!

Maybe we should use a real pony.

And an awesome bounce house! I think I want to slam dance in one of these bad boys. Greg, are you down?

Face painting! Kids love face painting! And the overuse of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A perfect face for the wedding.

What wedding would be complete without a chocolate fountain? Some chocolate covered hands coming to say hi to the bride in her gown. Let the dry cleaning begin!

And here is your news update, in case you live under a rock and somehow this is your only source of news (which is really a sad prospect, especially since this is the only time I have ever put a piece of real news on this blog since this blog has nothing to do with current events and is solely focused on the wedding of Brent Lee and Corrin Clark, two crazy kids just trying to make it in this world. Where was I going with this? Oh right, news). The U.S. shot Osama bin Laden. Well, not the entire U.S., just some select soldiers. And they shot and killed bin Laden. It only took us nearly 10 years. But bravo anyway. He had it coming.

I'll Drink To That *OR* Another Toast

I previously wrote a toast for B and Corrin. It was good, trust me. But I think I have stumbled upon another idea, so bear with me here. If I don't give this toast, feel free to use it at showers, bachelor(ette) parties, rehearsal dinners and the like. Hey, if they get it more than once it might actually mean something.

Hi there! I'm [insert your name here] and I am [insert relationship to either B or Corrin]. I've known [choose either B or Corrin] for [insert years you have known that person] years. As the [insert wedding title], I feel that I am the most qualified to give this toast. When I heard that B and Corrin had started dating, I said to myself, "Self: it is about time that they found someone. I mean, neither of them is getting any younger and if I have to wait any longer to be a [insert wedding title] in [choose either B or Corrin] wedding, I might just go follow Vanilla Ice on tour, like a Deadhead. Luckily for Mr. Ice, we did not have to resort to that. I've been privileged to watch [choose either B or Corrin] fall in love. Oh sure, I've never seen anyone over 14 years old text that much, but such is the cost of love. It was obvious that they had something special and it wasn't a disease [wait for muted laughter]. Now, as I am sure you know, both B and Corrin work for CalFire and are responsible for our safety. I know what you are all thinking, "Eek, had I known that, I would have moved to Nebraska" [wait for laughter, explain joke if needed], but let me assure you, they take their jobs very seriously. Let's not talk about work, that is not what we are here for [place plug for yourself that you are available for hire for wedding and bat mitzvahs, but not bar mitzvahs]. Let me tell you a little bit about B and Corrin. B is prone to accidents. He seems to crash into things, hard. In high school he crashed into a pole in the locker room, and I'm not talking about that kind of pole [wait for people to get the crude joke]. His nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his right. About two weeks later his nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his left. You'll note how asymmetrical his nose is now! Later in his life, he smashed into not one, not two, but three cows with a firetruck. And now he has smashed into loving Corrin [wait for loving sighs]. Corrin is a woman with a big heart, but don't worry nurses, she is getting it taken care of [laugh yourself so people get the joke]. Seriously though, she cares a lot [cue DJ to play Faith No More's hit 'We Care A Lot']. She cares about who Rascal Flatts performs music with. Okay, I am getting the cut it out sign from multiple people in the room, so I should wrap this up. I just want to say to [choose second closest relation between B or Corrin] congratulations, you are getting a wonderful friend in [choose closest relation]. I know that you two will be happy for the rest of your lives, much like [choose yourself if you are married, or choose some people who are happily married]. Cheers, and don't forget, I really am available for bat mitzvahs!

BORING *OR* Let's Do Something Different

Weddings are fairly predictable. Guy stands there, girls walks to him, we laugh as little children walk. They stand while some other guy says stuff. They all recite words, rings get passed along, there is a kiss, the couple is announced and they go off on their merry way.

This is just like a remake of Knight Rider. Or 90210. We've seen it all before. Take something nice and continue to do it until we don't even think about it anymore. Well, to that I say "PBBBSSSTTTT!"

I think we can spice this up a little bit, bring in some unique traits to the wedding of B and Corrin. Here's how I would change the ceremony.

• Groom enters on cow-splattered fire truck with hoses blasting toward crowd. Already we have thrown tradition out the window.
• Bride makes her way down the aisle in Lady Gaga-inspired egg thing.

• Groomsdudes fly in on gliders in steep descent.
• Bridesmaides ride in like a motorcycle gang on bigwheels. 

•  Officiator is actually Gary Busey via Skype.

•  At random times during the ceremony people are encouraged to yell out "DAAAR-RYL" like an old Dodger game when Darryl Strawberry used to play.

•  Wedding guests are given confetti eggs to throw at their leisure.
• Guns N' Roses music is piped into the sound system throughout the ceremony.
• Flowers are replaced with tri-tip.

Some of these ideas would really keep people interested and make this wedding the most talked about wedding since Kate and Will- they were just some people I knew and I talked about their wedding for about an hour.