Say It Ain't So *OR* Back From The Dead

In case you haven't seen it before, here is the crotch-cam from Brent as he descends down the Bootleg Canyon Flightline. This was one of our "big" things while out in Vegas for his bachelor party. The music obscures his screaming.

We Survived, Sorta...

The good news is that everyone has made it home from Vegas. The bad news is that I think we broke Paul. Of course, now that I am home, I might be broken as well.

We had a good time and after realizing that the four of us had not been together like that in about 10 years, it has been decided that we need to do it again soon. But next time I might need some energy drinks to be able to keep up.

B hooked us up with some great rooms at the Aria hotel and we ate steak every night. Could there be anything worse for your heart? Possibly not, but you only live once, right? It goes without saying that we ate like kings. Fat kings, but kings nonetheless.

So here is a quick recap for those interested in living vicariously through some 30-somethings:
Day 1: Greg and I drove from LA while B and Paul drove from SLO. Greg and I pulled off at Zzyzx Road.

 There is some amazing stuff down there. A cool salt flat and some interesting views.

 Then, of course, you hit Baker, CA and the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. It has seen better days it seems.

Here is where Greg and I made a horrible decision. We have always seen Bun Boy from the road and wondered what it was all about. So we took a risk and headed inside. Huge space and we were 2 of about 6 patrons in the place. We ordered hamburgers. Simple, right? Well, it took about 20 minutes for them to arrive. When they did they were about as hot as the surface of the sun and had been cooked to a near-hockey puck texture. Neither of us finished the world's worst burger and left feeling like putting an hot iron to our tongue would have been a better decision. 2 hours later and it still felt like I had a glowing ember in my gut. So here is our travel top tip: Don't eat at Bun Boy.

Arrival and hanging out. Dinner at Tom Colicchio's Craftsteak. Great space, great food. If you want to roll large, try the $265 wagu steak. What goes well with steak? Fireworks! So we head 30 minutes north of Las Vegas into the desert at around 11:30pm to the Moapa Travel Plaza to buy some fireworks. The great thing is that you can light them off just a few seconds down the road.

 We were there until about 1:00am blowing up about $200 worth of fireworks. We did not make all that mess you see out there, it was quite a mess before we got there.

Day 2: "Early" morning wake-up to get some old-fashioned straight edge razor shaves at the Art of Shaving.

Granted, in this picture it does kind of look like a doctor checking a corpse, but trust me, B and Paul are under those towels and very much alive. Afterwards we walked around for a bit and went back to the room to watch some football and relax. B made us get all dressed up and head over to Prime Steakhouse for night 2 of meat. After about 3 hours of expensive gluttony, we moved on and B danced for some Russian girls. That last part may be incorrect as I was not there.

Day 3 came a bit later and we grazed on a muffin while thoughts of grass-fed beef danced in our heads. We headed out to Boulder City. Why? To fly down 1.5 miles of cable dangling over the side of Bootleg Canyon. Yes, we did the Bootleg Canyon Flightlines! You get moving up to around 50 mph while you zip over your impending doom and death.

Your motley crew

Looking down at the first run

The brakes

B getting ready to fly

B is trying to cheat

Masters of the mountain

This was a lot of fun and there was no spinning around in circles involved (inside joke). We all agreed that this was something that we would do again. If you get the chance, head out and do it. It is very safe and a lot of fun.

Our last night was spent doing what else but eating steak! Yes, we did a trifecta of meat and finished off at Delmonico Steakhouse, one of Emeril's places. I really enjoyed the food there a lot and we had a nice time. The service was very warm and friendly. But B might rank some of the patrons as a 3...hard to explain.

We had a great time overall and are looking forward to doing it again before another decade passes us by. There are more pictures and some video out there and once I get them, I will put them on the blog for all 4 people who read this thing to check out.

It's On Like Donkey Kong *OR* I Need A Fix Of Second-Hand Smoke

The time has arrived for the groomsdudes to accompany Brent Lee to his bachelor party in Las Vegas. Hours of planning has come to this. As with every good bachelor party, there will be some memorable moments. I can't tell you what they are yet because they are a surprise for B, but if you stay tuned to the twitter feed @DownwardBLee, you can stay on top of all the happenings.

In doing my research and trying to find things to do in Las Vegas, I have learned that the following things are required for a bachelor party. With any luck, we will be able to cross them all off the list.

• B must wake up in a pool of his own bodily fluid. It turns out that the type of fluid is not very important.
• Some place that features a neon sign that mentions "GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!" must be frequented.
• Hair gel must be applied in copious amounts.
• Body spray should be substituted for showering.
• Awkwardly sentimental moments must be shared.
• The phrase "your life will never be the same" must be spoken often.
• Grotesque references to private parts should be uttered. (I'm leaving that to Paul)
• B must be humiliated in a public situation.
• Physical violence must occur.
• A moment will be shared where the party-goers will revel while purveying a vista.
• Convertibles should be driven and the phrase "VEGAS BABY!" should be yelled out of said convertible.
• The group must walk shoulder to shoulder in a line in slow motion in front of the Bellagio fountain while a swinging Frank Sinatra song is played.
• B should wake up one late morning in a strange hotel room wondering why his back is so sore only to find out the name "Olga" has been tattooed on his back in very large letters.

I think with all the planning I've got  most of these things covered. And don't worry Corrin, we're only going to hit places with names like "Spearmint Rhino" and "Tropical Lei." I hear they have great buffets there. Oh, and we can't forget B's return to the stage that made his famous...as a member of the Thunder From Down Under. But I am trying to recreate B in this image:

In all seriousness, stay tuned to the Twitter feed, I will live-tweet the weekend and let you honestly know what is going on. It might be this...

The Odds Are In Your Favor *OR* You Can Count On It

It has been established that we are joining B in Las Vegas for his bachelor party. I'm sure you have some very distinct images of a bachelor party in Vegas. A little gambling, some drinking, a lot of saying "THIS GUY....THIS GUY HERE.....HE'S MY BEST FRIEND...AND I'LL FIGHT YOU ABOUT IT," maybe a strip club, and something to do with Mike Tyson.

This may or may not hold true for B's party. I guess some of us will just have to wait and see.

What is Vegas without some gambling? Sure, you could be a sucker and hit the tables or bet on the ponies. Me, I think I will bet on my friends. I've only known these guys for 20 years. I can predict their behavior and everything. So here is a list of things that will be happening while we are in Vegas. Granted, most of this could happen if we were in Branson or Duarte.

• Paul will wander off from the group [probably at least once a day].
• B will wake up before 8:00am and immediately want to eat.
• B & Paul will walk the Vegas strip before 8:30am, but not because they stayed up all night.
• Greg and I will sleep in until at least 9:30am. But not because we stayed up all night.
• I will complain about something at least once a day. Most likely the smoke in the Vegas.
• Red meat will be consumed. We will all regret it later that night. Pepcid, Tums, or GasX will be taken.
• B & Paul will turn their head at every siren they hear.
• Greg will examine the little flyers handed out in the street. Not because of what they advertise, but because of the type of paper and printing technique.
• I will flick Paul in the chest.
• B will regale us with stories about where he has taken Corrin. We will tune it out.
• We will all remember the time we went in the gliders and made loop after loop after loop.
• Greg and I will go the Ferrari dealership.
• B will be bringing a grip of singles to Thunder From Down Under and walk away empty handed and embarrassed. 
• We will meet a celebrity chef. I will talk about Top Chef with them.

Now, you can make your own bingo card and play along at home. Maybe I will tweet when these things happen. Feel free to make your own spaces and add your own speculations.

Don't forget, you'll have another opportunity to play bingo at the wedding. Just search this blog for it.

Turn It Up, It's Freedom Rock *OR* I Remember This Song, It Stinks!

Greetings from 2012. I'll bet your New Year's resolution was to read this blog more often and maybe even contribute an article. Let's make that happen, shall we?

With 2012 here we are in the wedding year of B and Corrin (also known as Radio). It's finally here and in a few short months I can abandon this blog and send it to the graveyard or have a funeral pyre.

You bring the marshmallows and I'll bring the gasoline.

Also with 2012 comes B's bachelor party. We've teased a bunch about activities and locations for this little event (keyword: little). As B knows, since he is making the reservations, we are headed off to Loss Vay Gus (that's Las Vegas to those outside of the know). Yes, Sin City. What better place for a Mormon guy like myself than a city that prides itself on sin and doing things that I can't do? Can you believe I've gone this entire blog without mentioning the Mormon thing? I can.

In anticipation of this event, I put together a little CD for B and the other groomsdudes and sent it off. This has all of your party rock favorites, some classics from our earlier days, and a few songs about Loss Vay Gus. It is such a good mix that I have good news for Radio: you don't need a DJ. Just put this CD on (or use the playlist) and let the evening roll on. It's got such hits as "Viva Las Vegas" from Elvis.



Oh sure, this isn't the Elvis version, but this may be better.

And then for the entrepanuer in all of us, there's the Reverend Horton Heat's "Bales Of Cocaine."



Classic song. Then there is a song that Greg and I used to try to sing, but I can't hit those high notes at all: Prince's "Kiss."


(I don't want to get sued by the sign formally known as Prince)

And then what Brent Lee event would be complete without some Vanilla Ice? It would be nothing, that's what. So of course, we had to include:



By the way, you know you're a badass when you spraypaint in neon colors.

Now that there is a soundtrack for our trip, we need to find some things to do. Sadly, I can't tell you now because it would spoil the surprise for B. I can give you two hints:
1. It start's with "T"
2. It rhymes with "Blunder from Down Under"

With a soundtrack like that, four guys like us, and a chance of seeing some of Australia's finest export it is sure to be an unforgettable weekend. Sorry B.

Somebody's Due For Prison *OR* How To Have A Memorable Bachelor Party

Greg and I were having dinner and watching Top Gear last night, I know, surprise surprise. Oh, we ate some smoked ribs and potatoes. You know two guys are cooking when nothing green makes it on the plate.

After Top Gear was over (great episode by the way), we continued our months-long conversation about B's upcoming bachelor party. I don't want to give too much away, but B thinks we are headed to Vegas. I hope he is not tied to that idea, because we have some actual other ideas. However, we both agreed that somebody is due for prison. Let me repeat that, because it is important, SOMEBODY IS DUE FOR PRISON. Why, you ask? Why not? We've avoided it as a group for years. You would think that in the nearly 20 years we have known each other that somehow, one of us would have landed in jail, even just a quick hold, with some of the things we have done. I can't go into the specifics because I have no idea what the statute of limitations is in 5 states and a couple of other countries.

Both B and Paul are employed and have a nice little steady income. While Greg and I have "incomes," I wouldn't call it steady (pimpin' ain't easy). What better way to get some free food and lodging than by getting yourself tossed in the slammer? Just ask my friend Lindsay!

B can spend a few nights in the clink and the rest of us can enjoy whatever bachelor party we were going to throw. It is brilliant really and I wish we had thought of it earlier. And think of the stories that B can tell from his time behind bars! Bubba and his friends are waiting to meet you, B.

While we might miss B for about 4 minutes, I think the feeling would pass. I think it would also humble the groom-elect. You know they call marriage a jail sentence, well, now he would really know the meaning. Brilliant as always Mr. Kathol. Another problem solved.

I've Heard Of A Shotgun Wedding, But A Vending Machine Wedding?

 

I have just saved B and Corrin thousands of dollars. I hope that they will send some of those savings over to me. Oh, you're wondering what on earth this pink thing is, aren't you? As you can clearly see, this is the AutoWed Wedding Machine. This is what the fine folks at Concept Shed have to say about it:

"An idea we had been dying to build for over a year, AutoWed is a novelty wedding machine offering a quick hitch, a couple of rings and a personalised certificate for just £1/$1. Audio prompts, specially produced music, a bespoke retro keyboard and VFD display, ring vending and ticket printer all wrapped up in a Cadillac-pink cabinet with shiny aluminium fittings. We built the unit shown here specially for Marvin's Marvellous Mechanical Museum in Detroit, USA.
Buy now - call us and we will build you one to order."

Where do you even start with this wonder of technology? Sure, we can send man to the moon, we have driverless cars (thanks Google), but is has taken us until 2011 to realize the full potential of the vending machine? Oh humanity, why do you let me down so often?

Who wants to deal with all the romance, show, and personalization of a wedding presided over by a real human? But who wants to deal with the hassles of getting married over Skype? This bad boy will vend you a ring AND it has a keyboard? Wow, that must be the deluxe model for sure. 

All this for a dollar? I can't buy a soda at a vending machine for a dollar and now they are going to offer me a wedding? Put a few of these things in Vegas and watch the divorce rate climb even higher! Right next to this machine, they should have an annulment one where you can return the ring. And next to that should be some sort of beverage dispenser. Heck, you could have quite a row of vending machines.

1. Beer machine
2. Hard alcohol machine
3. Prophylactic machine
4. AutoWed Wedding Machine
5. Photo booth
6. Champagne machine
7. Cake machine
8. Another prophylactic machine
9. Annulment machine
10. Airline ticket kiosk/check-in

It is kind of like the 5 stages of grief, just the 10 stages of a marriage.

Ultimate Bachelor Party *OR* Excuse Me Sir, I Think You Left Out Something

I am listening to Snow's 1992 hit, Informer. Ah, white Canadian Rasta Rap, where did you go?

Ok, onto the post. We here at Downward Brent Lee have been trying to think of the best bachelor party that we can host for B. Vegas is played out. We're not really much for going to clubs, a la Jersey Shore, and Atlantic City just isn't our cup of tea. Have you ever been to Atlantic City? It is like a poor man's Reno without the class.

So what do four guys in their 30's do for a bachelor party? How do we recapture the energy that we once had in high school? Simple, we rob a bank.

I'll let that sit in for minute..................................................................Yes, we're going to rob a bank. It isn't for the money, in fact, I think we would give it back (although Paul does have sticky fingers). The whole point is the rush of the act. Going up to the teller and politely telling them that we need all the money since we will be robbing them. We won't have guns, maybe just some butter knives or something, we don't want to hurt anyone. We get some duffel bags filled up and we nonchalantly walk out the door carrying thousands of dollars.

Here comes the best part though: the getaway. We will have rented some really cool, really fast cars in which to make our getaway. I might just choose a Camaro for nostalgia's sake.

I know Greg would pick something subtle, like a Ferrari.

My guess is Paul would try to blend in and drive something familiar, like a fire truck. Genius Paul, who would ever think to check the fire truck? Bravo!

B on the other hand would miss the point entirely and pick something, well, worthless. Like this Le Car.

While three of us would make it after an awesome car chase, B will have been thrown in jail and just might miss his wedding day. Sorry Corrin, but if your fiance made a better choice in vehicles, this would not have happened.

I, for one, am looking forward to us robbing a bank. I think it will get the adrenaline pumping, just what you need. And really, who else has done a bank robbery bachelor party? No one! Another Downward Brent Lee first!

(note to any law enforcement: this is a complete joke. I, nor anyone mentioned in this blog, has any intention of robbing a bank. None of us has ever been arrested nor intends to be. If you doubt that, take a look at the rest of this blog, all very tongue in cheek.)

I've Been A Bit Lazy, So Sue Me...No, Wait, Don't Sue Me

I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but I got a little busy this week and haven't had time to keep up my furious blogging pace. Filling in for a 6th grade teacher can really take it out of you. I need a vacation from my seven days of work. That being the case, I think we should revisit the idea of taking the bachelor party out to Dubai.

Dubai has been on a tear recently and has been building like crazy. They know the oil isn't going to last forever so they are planning ahead and trying to get some tourism going.

Look at the growth in just 13 years, they even developed color! They have made the world's tallest building.

An indoor ski area:

And they are building the world:

They have dispersed their wealth...well, no, not really. Just the wealthy are doing well, like it should be. They've got some crazy hotels and crazier things to see. Granted, they do have Ferrari World.
There are some drawbacks though. Being an Islamic country, there are some restrictions. But if you have money, they have what you want. Heck, some of the hotels have a fleet of Rolls Royce's for their guests to be chauffeured around in. So all we have to do is get to the Mid-East where Americans are loved. We can leave B there to soak up the culture. A bit risky, sure, but how often do you get to hang out where they are crazy enough to build a ski slope in the middle of the desert? That's something not even Las Vegas has touched yet. Your move America!

Let's Get Fondled By The TSA *OR* Bachelor Party Ideas

One of the major responsibilities that being a groomsdude and blog writer entails is to think of some good idea for the bachelor party. Thankfully for B, I have two other groomsdudes to help me out in planning. Otherwise we would be spending a few nights in beautiful Duarte, heck, Duarte has a Sonic now! Every good bachelor party should have someone on roller skates bringing you some tater-tots.

Now, to throw B some clues, we have been talking about destinations for the bachelor party. Bad news for B though, is you have three married guys who have kids planning your bachelor party. If it were solely up to us, we would just rent four different hotel rooms on the beach and sleep the weekend away and maybe watch some tv. We'll be lucky if we get to eat without having to move plates, silverware, glasses, condiments, and food outside of a four foot radius of someone.

Sure, we could do Vegas, but it seems so played out. B likes it, but where would be the fun for us seeing B get lost in a new city? In fact, he once met me in Chicago and he was afraid to take the L. Whimp.

Mexico is another option, but I hear you can't drink the water. While I pretend that I can speak Spanish, I don't know if it will get us very far.

How about New York? The Big Apple! Lodging is expensive and where would you even begin? Plus, we are planning on a February trip and if you haven't noticed, New York is cold in February.

Miami? Naw, Jersey Shore was there and it is ruined forever.

Chicago? Again, the cold plays in, but they do have the Weber Grill, the best restaurant idea ever! Everything is cooked over charcoal on Weber Grills indoors. Delicious.

Somewhere in Texas? This oddly has some potential, only to see B squirm at the idea of having to go to Texas. Granted, we would go to a cool city like Austin or San Antonio. Sorry Big D (that's Dallas).

Now I like Nashville for some reason. Great BBQ and you simply smell like hickory smoke wherever you go.

Dubai is an option, but only if B is paying. But I think we should stay at the world's best hotel , the Burj Al Arab.

I think we may have to explore this idea a bit more.

In other news, it turns out your favorite Vanilla Ice song is "Play That Funky Music." Interesting taste readers.

The Last Post Of 2010

It has been a short year for us here at Downward Brent Lee. We've been posting since October 3, 2010 and we have crested 700 page views. This little ragamuffin blog about some guy's wedding plans has swollen like B's nose after being hit by a baseball...twice. We've done a public service here that will continue on in some fashion all the way to March of 2012 when B and Corrin finally get hitched.

While most blogs do a "Best of 2010" blog entry highlighting the various highs of the year, we're going to skip that. Nope, we're going to prognosticate about what 2011 will bring for B, Corrin, and this humble blog.

• B will buy flowers for Corrin. He probably did something wrong.
• B will drive the Tahoe over 65 mph once.
• Somehow Vegas will play into some vacation plans.
• B and Corrin will fall in love with the name Carl and make future plans for their triplets.
• They will buy a dog and call it Jave, just so they can hit it over the head with a newspaper. Tragic.
• B will dance to the latest Vanilla Ice CD. We will laugh...a lot.
• While frolicking in the ocean, B will be chomped on by a shark, but using his amazing skills, B will turn that shark into an ally and attack the people who did him wrong. Steven Spielberg will option it into a movie starring a plucky young(ish) redhead...Justin! Justin rockets to super-stardom and hangs with Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Scar-Jo. He then tries to make a period piece about the black plague and his career spirals downward. He gets hooked on sugar packets and joins Celebrity Rehab. There are tears and Justin makes good on his promise to himself and his family. He makes a big comeback the next year, a-la Robert Downey Jr., and is the next Batman.

What a great 2011! Have a Happy New Year and remember, keep away from the yellow snow.

On The Eleventh & Twelfth Day Of Christmas

[We made it to twelve!]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Brent Lee gave to me

12 Bottles of 1997 Georges de Latour Cabernet Sauvignon

11 episodes of Cops

10 pairs of Nikes

9 kids named Carl

8 cereal boxes

7 Vegas cabana stays

6 vodka bottles

5 hot tub guests

4 ex-girlfriends

3 smashed cows

2 Chevy trucks

and a Vanilla Ice CD