Turn It Up, It's Freedom Rock *OR* I Remember This Song, It Stinks!

Greetings from 2012. I'll bet your New Year's resolution was to read this blog more often and maybe even contribute an article. Let's make that happen, shall we?

With 2012 here we are in the wedding year of B and Corrin (also known as Radio). It's finally here and in a few short months I can abandon this blog and send it to the graveyard or have a funeral pyre.

You bring the marshmallows and I'll bring the gasoline.

Also with 2012 comes B's bachelor party. We've teased a bunch about activities and locations for this little event (keyword: little). As B knows, since he is making the reservations, we are headed off to Loss Vay Gus (that's Las Vegas to those outside of the know). Yes, Sin City. What better place for a Mormon guy like myself than a city that prides itself on sin and doing things that I can't do? Can you believe I've gone this entire blog without mentioning the Mormon thing? I can.

In anticipation of this event, I put together a little CD for B and the other groomsdudes and sent it off. This has all of your party rock favorites, some classics from our earlier days, and a few songs about Loss Vay Gus. It is such a good mix that I have good news for Radio: you don't need a DJ. Just put this CD on (or use the playlist) and let the evening roll on. It's got such hits as "Viva Las Vegas" from Elvis.



Oh sure, this isn't the Elvis version, but this may be better.

And then for the entrepanuer in all of us, there's the Reverend Horton Heat's "Bales Of Cocaine."



Classic song. Then there is a song that Greg and I used to try to sing, but I can't hit those high notes at all: Prince's "Kiss."


(I don't want to get sued by the sign formally known as Prince)

And then what Brent Lee event would be complete without some Vanilla Ice? It would be nothing, that's what. So of course, we had to include:



By the way, you know you're a badass when you spraypaint in neon colors.

Now that there is a soundtrack for our trip, we need to find some things to do. Sadly, I can't tell you now because it would spoil the surprise for B. I can give you two hints:
1. It start's with "T"
2. It rhymes with "Blunder from Down Under"

With a soundtrack like that, four guys like us, and a chance of seeing some of Australia's finest export it is sure to be an unforgettable weekend. Sorry B.

Yo DJ, Spin Those Tunes *OR* If I Hear Any Miley Cyrus, I'm Walking

I am sure I have lamented the fact that so many weddings are so similar. There are only so many things you can do with a bride, a groom, a dance floor and some dried out convention hall chicken. I could be like Einstein here and make some amazing mathematical equation to get the generic wedding. Luckily, we here at Downward Brent Lee are not about generic weddings. Oh no, we seek out the unique, the unusual, the things that are going to stand out. Now, I admit that planning a wedding in the Central Coast of California opens up some beautiful locations, but does limit some of the other options. You try finding a good Elvis impersonator near Morro Bay. This ain't Vegas folks!

The same goes for DJs. You can't just walk on down to the Roxy (a notorious rock club in Los Angeles) and get some raw talent. No, you just have to ask around see whose iPod Micro has the most music.

I address the rest of this post to that "DJ" who will spinning the dope jams at B and Corrin's wedding. I am sure the couple has had some requests and for the most part, I will let those stand. But here are my requests:

• Shut up. No one is here to hear you ramble on about love, how cute the couple is, or how impressive it is to see Big Jim up there break dancing.
• You must play one Refreshments song. "Banditos" is my choice, but you have two albums to choose from, go wild.
• The crowd would like to hear at least one Vanilla Ice song. He is our personal hero.
• Bridesmaids are allowed to have one collective song. This song may be country. It may not be Shania Twain.
• If you try to scratch any records, I will scratch ALL of your records. Don't be a showoff.
• If you dare try to involve me in any shenanigans, I will cut you.
• If we must toss garters and flowers, you are not allowed any commentary. You are not Vin Scully.
• However, if the DJ is Vin Scully, no music will be played. I just want to hear stories.

• You are not allowed to play "Celebration", "YMCA", or "Baby Got Back."
• If you can find the "Mortal Kombat" soundtrack, you may play that in its entirity.
• Should you embarrass B's parents, I can assure you that you will be cut.
• I would encourage you to play the band Cake while the cake is being cut. It only seems right.
• Sappy Disney songs will get you cut as well.

Do I request a lot as a wedding guest? I don't think so. As we have established in previous posts, I am the life of the party and people are there to see me. I have been to enough weddings to know that there are plenty of things that I do not like. Should you, Mr. DJ break any one of these rules, I will...you guessed it...cut you.

*The author reserves the right to substitute "cut" with "shank" as he sees fit.

We fed you, now give us stuff

We all have our fingers crossed that we get invited to the shindig of 2012. And I know you all have your fingers crossed that you don't have to sit next to me....ever. I hear you, I'll just get a tv tray and sit outside and enjoy the weather...alone. Be that way, see if I ever invite you to anything.

Whoa, a bit off topic there. Sorry, that was meant for my therapist, not a beautiful wedding blog. So on to today's theme. So you've received the invitation with the Spiderman kiss engagement photo and you have sent your RSVP and you checked off "steak." Now it is the day before the wedding and you think to yourself:

"Ok, I've got my clothes all ready. I am going to be the second best looking person there (we can't upstage the bride). I've got my directions and I know what time I need to be there. What else? YIKES. A GIFT!"

Now that you are done with your inner monologue, let's get crackin'. What do you get a pair of 30 somethings for a wedding gift? They have lived independently for some time now and probably have some things already, like plates. Or glasses. In fact, B has enough glasses to have a State Dinner at his house and get everyone plastered.

I can help here. Forget any registry, let's get them what they really want, but are too embarrassed to say. I know B really misses this item (which he did own and did wear, about a year too late). A Vanilla Ice shirt!

Maybe we could all chip in and get them triplets (see previous post) and be sure to name one Carl.

These may be a bit too old, you might want to find a set younger. How about some animals to keep the yard festive? I would suggest alligators, they will keep away door-to-door salesmen and in-laws!

One of my favorite things I got for my wedding was a used potato/apple peeler. Came in the box but still had residue from a previous use.

But I think that we, as guests, should all get something with a theme. This way all of our gifts tie together and it makes sense. And now, for our theme:

ELVIS PRESLEY KITCHEN ITEMS

Didn't see that coming, did you? We can start with this lovely toast holder:

Okay, you can take it from there.