Hey Ladies *OR* How To Be Smooth And Pick Up On Single Ladies At A Wedding

I am sure you have heard by now that weddings tend to be a great place to pick up on single people. You've got romance in the air mixed with alcohol and desperation. How can you not strike when this iron is hot? You might even be familiar with the Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughan vehicle, "Wedding Crashers" where the two aforementioned gentlemen are all about going to weddings and picking up ladies.

Hot dang! They did it!

Really, this is the pinnacle of being single. You've got people dressed in their best (or at the least the best that the bride and groom have put them in), surrounded by flowers, food, family, kids, doves, a Prince tribute band, a chocolate fountain, bad dancing, and awkward toasts.

As a public service, and since I am happily married, I am going to give you some of the best pick-up lines I know to use at a wedding. These are all trademarked and you owe me $.33 every time you use one. If it successful, you owe me $.66. Just keep that in mind before rolling out these gems.

• Nice flowers eh?
• Would you like to go back to the room where the bride gets ready and try on some make-up?
• Care for another chicken kabob?
• Are you team B or team Corrin? (this only works at B and Corrin's wedding)
• Sure, I've read Twilight, and I think I want to become a werewolf.
• I saw you standing there, not doing the YMCA. Did you forget how to spell?
• Are those pants rented? Because I want you to lose your cleaning deposit.
• I love spring weddings, they remind me of my previous four marriages.
• My wife? Oh, she won't know.
• Come here often?
• Does this look like herpes to you?
• I've got this strange thing on my foot and you look like a podiatrist.
• Is that the way you normally look?
• Wanna role my 12-sided die?
• Are you familiar with the 90's hit "Banditos" by the Refreshments? That was written about me.

DJ, Crank Those Tunes *OR* Trying To Watch A White Man Dance

In this era of multiple dancing shows on television, our expectations of what a good dancer can actually do has risen. Back in my day, all you needed was the Roger Rabbit to make yourself look good (hint: B did the Roger Rabbit a lot). But with Thinking You Can Dance With The Stars On Ice For Which I Live on television, we need to step things up a bit. I've already talked about some of the kickin' dance moves B used to do in middle school, but I think we need to start thinking up an appropriate play-list for the reception so that everyone will get on the floor and try to move more than a bamboo tree in a windstorm.

I do have a few requests, and I think they are fairly simple:

1. Please, do not play "YMCA" by the Village People. I hate spelling and dancing simultaneously. Too much work.
2. Don't play "Celebrate." Too cliche. We get it, you're happy and we're happy for you. But save me.
3. "Banditos" by the Refreshments must be played. If I don't know about pistols, pesos and a midnight rendezvous at the mission, my night is lost.

Don't ruin this wedding for me, just play "Banditos" on an endless loop. You can intervene once for a slow song so our couple can take their first dance.

I've come up with other requests for music and what I would like to see, and, as I think we have already discussed, this is all about me, right?

1. I want to see Paul "turn that butter" to a Guns N' Roses tune of his choice.
2. There will be at least one Vanilla Ice song. "Yo VIP, Let's Kick It!"
3. Spare me the conga line. I always end up with some sweaty dude grabbing at my waist. Ugh.
4. I know Corrin likes country music, and there are some good songs out there. But if it turns into a Taylor Swift concert, I'm outta there. Granted, she is easy on the eyes. So if Taylor Swift does appear in person, I will stay.

1. How do you dance to Taylor Swift anyways? Should I make signs to hold up and profess my love?
2. Two words: Bieber Fever! 

What Harm Can A Bunch Of 30 Year-Olds Reliving Their High School Days Do *OR* I Hope The Nut Can Make It

In our last post we suggested the idea of the four groomsdudes getting back their old high school cars and taking them on one last roadtrip up the coast. As a recap, Paul will drive his S-10 (which got into an accident), Greg will take the old Buick Century (complete with suspension upgrades), I will take my old Camaro (the Silver Bullet won't let you down) and B will trail in the Kona Nut with all 12 hamster power.

I'll be honest, none of these cars is going to win a Concours d'Elegance or anything, but we loved those cars. I don't think we could count the hours we spent inside them or beside them trying to look cool. The cool part failed, but we had a good time. I have already told one story about the Kona Nut, so I will leave that out. I remember taking the S-10 to various functions because we could all sit in the back. And as Greg will remember, the back of that S-10 is where "Don't Wanna See No Schlong" became a big hit. With the Buick, I recall trying to the hit the very high notes in The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince's "Kiss." If you know me, I have a deep voice and it hurts getting up there. Then there is the Camaro, where to fit in the back, you had to be "flexy in the crotch." Again, we loved these cars and, gosh darnit, we were/are cool.

So the plan is to load up at La Canada High School, home of the Spartans and where all journeys should begin. There will be the obligatory mocking of the other vehicles, which I will win. My Camaro is bitchin' and everyone else should just bow down. And then Paul will want to get down to business and yell something that no one else really understands, but we will assume he means "Let's Ride" and we'll head on out. The 210 to the 134 to the 101 to the 1. Simple as that. Greg and I will race as much as we can while the Lee boys stop at every firestation they see. Paul will get on the CB radios we had installed and regale us with stories about car wrecks. Our first stop would be Morro Bay. Why? 1) Where else do you fly a kite out of a car window? 2) Free lodging. 3) Hofbrau!.

That night, while watching Cops, B will retell the story of him hitting 3 cows with a firetruck.

The next morning B and Paul will be up at 5:30am to walk along the beach while Greg and I sleep in and wait for some room service. Around 9:30 we will load up again after putting gallons of oil in the Kona Nut and the Buick (the Chevys won't have any problems yet, unless I hit a curb). Today we head up the best part of Highway 1 up to Carmel, CA and home of the Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance. It is swanky and we fit right in. Carmel being the home of John Steinbeck, some great food, and the Seventeen Mile Drive.

There will have been some hills (advantage S-10), some curves (advantage modified Buick) and some need for speed (advantage Camaro). We'll just make B carry the luggage or something in the Nut. Sure, Greg and I will have made it up there about an hour before the Lee brothers, but we have heavy feet, what can I say?

Of course, the theme song for this entire journey will be the Refreshments "Banditos." Look it up- and I'll meet you at the mission at midnight.