Friday, December 31, 2010

The Last Post Of 2010

It has been a short year for us here at Downward Brent Lee. We've been posting since October 3, 2010 and we have crested 700 page views. This little ragamuffin blog about some guy's wedding plans has swollen like B's nose after being hit by a baseball...twice. We've done a public service here that will continue on in some fashion all the way to March of 2012 when B and Corrin finally get hitched.

While most blogs do a "Best of 2010" blog entry highlighting the various highs of the year, we're going to skip that. Nope, we're going to prognosticate about what 2011 will bring for B, Corrin, and this humble blog.

  • B will buy flowers for Corrin. He probably did something wrong.
  • B will drive the Tahoe over 65 mph once.
  • Somehow Vegas will play into some vacation plans.
  • B and Corrin will fall in love with the name Carl and make future plans for their triplets.
  • They will buy a dog and call it Jave, just so they can hit it over the head with a newspaper. Tragic.
  • B will dance to the latest Vanilla Ice CD. We will laugh...a lot.
  • While frolicking in the ocean, B will be chomped on by a shark, but using his amazing skills, B will turn that shark into an ally and attack the people who did him wrong. Steven Spielberg will option it into a movie starring a plucky young(ish) redhead...Justin! Justin rockets to super-stardom and hangs with Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Scar-Jo. He then tries to make a period piece about the black plague and his career spirals downward. He gets hooked on sugar packets and joins Celebrity Rehab. There are tears and Justin makes good on his promise to himself and his family. He makes a big comeback the next year, a-la Robert Downey Jr., and is the next Batman.
What a great 2011! Have a Happy New Year and remember, keep away from the yellow snow.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas, Watch Out For A Fat Guy Who Will Be Breaking & Entering Tonight

Hmm, that Santa looks familiar. Regardless, from all us of at Downward Brent Lee, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We're going to take the rest of the year off from our busy posting schedule. In the meantime, please enjoy one of my favorite Christmas stories by David Sedaris entitled "Six To Eight Black Men." It is presented here in three parts.





Thursday, December 23, 2010

On The Eleventh & Twelfth Day Of Christmas

[We made it to twelve!]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Brent Lee gave to me
12 Bottles of 1997 Georges de Latour Cabernet Sauvignon




11 episodes of Cops



10 pairs of Nikes


9 kids named Carl


8 cereal boxes


7 Vegas cabana stays


6 vodka bottles


5 hot tub guests


4 ex-girlfriends


3 smashed cows


2 Chevy trucks


and a Vanilla Ice CD

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

On The Ninth & Tenth Day Of Christmas

On the tenth day of Christmas, Brent Lee gave to me
10 pairs of Nikes
9 kids named Carl
8 cereal boxes
7 Vegas cabana stays
6 vodka bottles
5 hot tub guests
4 ex-girlfriends
3 smashed cows
2 Chevy trucks
and a Vanilla Ice CD

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

On The Seventh & Eighth Day Of Christmas

On the eighth day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me
8 cereal boxes
7 Vegas cabana stays
6 vodka bottles
5 hot tub guests
4 ex-girlfriends
3 smashed cows
2 Chevy trucks
and a Vanilla Ice CD

Monday, December 20, 2010

On The Fifth & Sixth Day Of Christmas

[Part 3 in a continuing series...]

On the sixth day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me
six bottles of vodka
five hot tub guests
four ex-girlfriends
three smashed cows
two Chevy trucks
and a Vanilla Ice CD

Saturday, December 18, 2010

On The Third & Fourth Days Of Christmas

[We've just begun Downward Brent Lee's Twelve Days Of Christmas. Join in, won't you?]



On the fourth day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me.
Four ex-girlfriends




Three smashed cows

Two Chevy trucks

And a Vanilla Ice CD

Friday, December 17, 2010

On The First Day Of Christmas (And Day Two, I Started Too Late)

It seems only appropriate that we celebrate all major holidays here at Downward Brent Lee. Oh wait, we missed Hanukkah. Sorry. So all the posts until Christmas will be filling in the famous song, "The Twelve Days Of Christmas." Of course, we will do it in the Downward Brent Lee way. I'm not quite sure what that will entail, but we'll figure it out as we go. Granted, we started a bit late, so we will double up on the days. You don't need logistics, just keep checking us out to see where we head. And away we go......

On the first day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me,
a Vanilla Ice CD

On the second day of Christmas, Brent Lee sent to me,
Two Chevy Trucks
And a Vanilla Ice CD

Thursday, December 16, 2010

We've Made It *OR* How Paul Has Trouble Discerning Age

It has been a few days on the road trip where our little group of four have taken the cars we had in high school from Los Angeles to Vancouver. See previous posts for a recap of the drivers and their cars, or just trust that I was the coolest guy in the best car. I can prove it...




Yep, it takes real skill to lean against your car at age 17 like that. Did I really buy that car wearing a t-shirt? Nice work.

But what says Bachelor Party like a couple day road trip to a city that most of us went to while in college? I enjoy Vancouver, Canada for a variety of reasons.
1) Not that I do them, but drugs are plentiful. The really just solicit on the streets. Way to stay classy Vancouver.
2) According to Paul, young girls just don't look that young. To his credit, he only mentioned it in passing.
3) The phone calls you get at the hotel asking if you would like "entertainment" at 1:00am are welcoming.
4) When I drank, they had good beer.
5) Bus lane? Nope, a slalom course for our taxi that had no interior panels.

What more could 4 guys in their 30s want than a cultural melting pot? I'll answer that one for you, the guys that have kids would want a quiet nap.

But for B's sake we'll do something interesting. Like snowmobiling and eating hot dogs in a secluded cabin (long story there). Or use the word "eh" a lot when finishing sentences. Sounds like fun, eh?

In all honesty, this would be a fun trip, especially if we could find some of our old cars and rent them for a week. Top Gear, are you listening?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Load 'Em Up *OR* Please Sir, Can You Give Me A Lift?

Our little motley crew has made it to Carmel in our cars from high school. Just as a recap:
Paul is driving a Chevy S-10
Greg is driving a late 80's Buick Century
I am driving a 96 Chevy Camaro
And B is in the Kona Nut, a car that needs no explaination

It is time to depart and make our way toward our final destination of Vancouver, Canada via Oregon and Washington. While we have only been at this trip for a grand total of over 2 days, some old habits are creeping back in. It is like we are all 17 years old again. This has some benefits and some downfalls. We are not the most mature bunch, though we think we are. And B is wearing that darn Vanilla Ice shirt again. Won't that thing die?
Honestly, we're a bit embarrassed to be around him, so we jet off in our cars and let the Kona Nut fall behind. This is pretty typical. Don't ever ask B to lead a caravan, you might make it the year after you planned.

We cross the Golden Gate Bridge wishing we were driving these cars...
...instead of the moderately reasonable cars we are in. But then we remember, we are reliving some high school days, let's do something stupid and reckless. At that moment, I grab my emergency brake and yank it high to the ceiling and do a bitchin' 360 degree spin on the bridge. Paul and B yell at me for causing a potential problem while Greg tries to emulate by smashing down on his e-brake and pulling the same stunt. Greg and I are obviously enjoying this much more than the safety oriented Lee brothers.

It is near Eureka that we start to have some trouble. We've gone through about 4 barrels of oil just trying to keep these things on the road.
It is getting time. B calls in a favor and has another truck join the convey. Sadly, it isn't all that cool, but it might be needed just to make it to Oregon.
The fifteen flats of water than B and Paul are carrying in the backs of their vehicles are starting to weigh them down. I am getting tired of the same 6 CDs in my changer and Greg is starting to tire of the blue suede interior of the Buick. Yet, it is our inability to admit defeat to each other that keeps us going. We loved these cars, how could they let us down?

And then it dawns on us, we loved these cars because they meant freedom. We could go nearly anywhere. We could pick up chicks. We could go read magazines at the grocery store at 11:00pm. We could pile 10 people in them and go to a dance. These cars meant everything.

So we kept on, toward Canada.

Monday, December 13, 2010

What Harm Can A Bunch Of 30 Year-Olds Reliving Their High School Days Do *OR* I Hope The Nut Can Make It

In our last post we suggested the idea of the four groomsdudes getting back their old high school cars and taking them on one last roadtrip up the coast. As a recap, Paul will drive his S-10 (which got into an accident), Greg will take the old Buick Century (complete with suspension upgrades), I will take my old Camaro (the Silver Bullet won't let you down) and B will trail in the Kona Nut with all 12 hamster power.

I'll be honest, none of these cars is going to win a Concours d'Elegance or anything, but we loved those cars. I don't think we could count the hours we spent inside them or beside them trying to look cool. The cool part failed, but we had a good time. I have already told one story about the Kona Nut, so I will leave that out. I remember taking the S-10 to various functions because we could all sit in the back. And as Greg will remember, the back of that S-10 is where "Don't Wanna See No Schlong" became a big hit. With the Buick, I recall trying to the hit the very high notes in The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince's "Kiss." If you know me, I have a deep voice and it hurts getting up there. Then there is the Camaro, where to fit in the back, you had to be "flexy in the crotch." Again, we loved these cars and, gosh darnit, we were/are cool.

So the plan is to load up at La Canada High School, home of the Spartans and where all journeys should begin. There will be the obligatory mocking of the other vehicles, which I will win. My Camaro is bitchin' and everyone else should just bow down. And then Paul will want to get down to business and yell something that no one else really understands, but we will assume he means "Let's Ride" and we'll head on out. The 210 to the 134 to the 101 to the 1. Simple as that. Greg and I will race as much as we can while the Lee boys stop at every firestation they see. Paul will get on the CB radios we had installed and regale us with stories about car wrecks. Our first stop would be Morro Bay. Why? 1) Where else do you fly a kite out of a car window? 2) Free lodging. 3) Hofbrau!.

That night, while watching Cops, B will retell the story of him hitting 3 cows with a firetruck.
The next morning B and Paul will be up at 5:30am to walk along the beach while Greg and I sleep in and wait for some room service. Around 9:30 we will load up again after putting gallons of oil in the Kona Nut and the Buick (the Chevys won't have any problems yet, unless I hit a curb). Today we head up the best part of Highway 1 up to Carmel, CA and home of the Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance. It is swanky and we fit right in. Carmel being the home of John Steinbeck, some great food, and the Seventeen Mile Drive.
There will have been some hills (advantage S-10), some curves (advantage modified Buick) and some need for speed (advantage Camaro). We'll just make B carry the luggage or something in the Nut. Sure, Greg and I will have made it up there about an hour before the Lee brothers, but we have heavy feet, what can I say?

Of course, the theme song for this entire journey will be the Refreshments "Banditos." Look it up- and I'll meet you at the mission at midnight.