Monday, May 23, 2011

I Can Be Fat Spiderman *OR* Tranquilizer Darts Do Work

I've mentioned here once or twice that, like Spiderman I have a great responsibility. Sadly, Spiderman is not my favorite comic character. That honor goes to Batman. Don't let it go to your head Bruce Wayne (that's right, I know who you are!). Oh, but back to the actual responsibility, I am talking about being a groomsdude in THE wedding of 2012, and heck, let's add 2013 because absolutely nothing interesting will happen that year, aside from B and Corrin having the triplets (YIPEE for Carl!).
Even fat Spidermen can kick butt.
I have had to don the rented tuxedo before in two other weddings and, if I do say myself, I looked damn good (try to refute it). My main responsibilities were to show up and not make a fool of myself. Pretty easy task really.

Now, as a groomsdude, I have some other things to do. In Paul's wedding I had to tape the name "Ernesto" to the back of his coat. Yes, this is true. But before you think, "huh?", you need to know that there was also a shamrock taped to the back as well, just to keep it classy. I recall having to drive Paul's truck to about four different locations for some various reason. Even that I did with style and class. Basically I had to stand there during the ceremony and make sure that Paul didn't make a quick dash for the door. To make my job easier, we pumped Paul full of tranquilizers before (sorry Michelle, makes for a groggy wedding night).
Paul needed a timeout.
With Greg's wedding it involved standing around his Taurus SHO and taking pictures looking like a badass. Again, pretty easy when you are posing next to this piece of "American" muscle.
The ceremony consisted of a lot of standing up and then sitting back down. There were also about 52 groomsdudes, so the 'responsibilities' were a bit dilluted.

So onto B. What do we have to do with this wedding? There are 3 groomsdudes at last count, but I think there are 61 bridesmaids, so I am not sure how that is going to work. Yes, we have the bachelor party to plan, which is already under control to a degree. And then we have to make sure B gets dressed properly on the big day and be at the ready if he were to run. This means I may have to get back into shape. Maybe I can call on fat Spiderman to help us out; he's got webs he can shoot, therefore saving us a lot of energy.

I am sure other tasks me be presented to us as the date nears (less than 300 days now people), but I think I am going to rest up for the big day.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

World's 633rd Most Popular Blog (According To My Own Fake Data) *OR* Don't Touch The Merchandise

Oooh, you've been waiting. I can tell. You come and check back daily, hoping, praying, that maybe today would be the day that there would be a new entry in the world's 633rd most popular blog. Oh yeah, we've cracked the top 1,000 in a poll I made up. To make it to 632, I need to beat a blog about hamster neutering.
But you don't come here to see me toot my own horn and proclaim this the best blog about a wedding, do you? No, you come here for the gossip, the inside scoop as it were about B and Corrin. You want to know what is happening down in the trenches and how this wedding is coming together. You want to know where you are going to sit and what they are going to feed you. And of course you want to know whether or not you get to wear a hat.
If you can find this hat, you are welcome to wear it.

Well, here is what I know about the wedding:
1. I'm in it.

Oh yes, your favorite blogger is IN THE WEDDING! Granted, this may have changed since I started this blog. In fact, I think they are trying to push me out of it all together. And I'm not just talking about the wedding. The other day while drinking water out of my favorite cup, some of the water went down the wrong pipe and I coughed a bit. I am pretty sure that B is trying to choke me. More recently, my 8 month old son had a very messy diaper. If I didn't know better, I would bet that B messed my son's diaper to try to gross me out. Well, I am going to let you in on a little secret...IT WON"T WORK! Oh yes, I am on to your little plan. You know I am going to steal the spotlight with my devilishly handsome looks and my Barry White inspired voice. My mad skills on the dancefloor coupled with my sparkling personality will simple turn all eyes toward me.

Now Corrin, you must not be jealous. Sure, the day was supposed to be about you, but when a 'personality' such as myself enters a room or joins a party, people flock. And really, can you blame them? Yes, you may have your friends who have never met me and are coming to the wedding for you, but honestly, they are just there to try to get to know me. Please be sure to remind them that I am married and not available. However, much like the pieces at a museum, they can look and admire, but they can not touch.

Friday, May 13, 2011

This Is Paul's Fault *OR* Please Explain Those Duties Again

Paul emailed me early this morning complaining that there had been no new blog entries in a while. He's right, but I just haven't been feeling anything. So Paul, next time feel free to contribute. There is little (okay, no) money to be made here, but the blogger groupies are certainly worth it. I can't leave my front door without being mobbed by adoring fans and paparazzi waiting to see what I am wearing and where I am headed.
Enough of complaining about fame. "I want to be famous and loved, but I want my privacy." Hey, you made that goal, now deal with it.

Lately Greg and I have been taking some lunch meetings with some of the more prominent people in the greater Los Angeles area (read: Just Greg and myself). We have frequented some of the best dining establishments and enjoyed quality meals (read: burgers at the nautical vessel that serves ground beef sandwiches, or The Hamburger Boat or The Ship).
While at the Galley (the actual name of the restaurant), Greg and I took a two hour lunch meeting (easy to do when you don't have real jobs). We started the work of the groomsdudes for B's wedding. We started some of the dirty work of planning the actual bachelor party. Now, B thinks that we are going to Vegas and we are going to let him think that. In all reality, we have something "different" planned. Everyone knows that B does not like to be the center of attention and does not like to be embarrassed. So what do you think we planned? Oh yeah, time to put B in the center of a three ring circus and then pour blood all over him a-la "Carrie."
Ignore the part where Carrie goes a little crazy afterward by locking the doors and setting the gym on fire. I am sure that B's experience will go off without murder....I hope.

After planning the bachelor party I am little lost as to what my duties are. We may have to explore that next time, on a very special Downward Spiral of Brent Lee.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Pastry Is Better With Fire Placed On It *OR* Happy Birthday B

A mere 133 years ago, in the shadow of the Appalachian mountains where only the bald eagle flies free, a baby was born. This baby, of course, has nothing to do with Brent Lee. Nope, B was born 33 years ago and I assume that he was delivered in a hospital. Sure, we could get sappy today and wish B a happy birthday and reminisce about the good times, but that would not be this blog, now would it?

This picture makes it look like I have been tracking Sasquatch.
I think in celebration of the man they call B, we should dig deep into the archives and present some little known facts about B. The following are facts in the truest sense of the word.
  • B is scared of the black piano keys
  • He once ate an entire box of Chip's Ahoy cookies and then started to get chocolate chip freckles
  • He knows all the words to the "Macarena"
  • His left hand can change the tides, don't ask how
  • B taught a baby bird how to fly by actually flying beside it
  • He is afraid of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish
  • Favorite word: Cucamunga
  • He speaks Klingon
  • Once was a jumping jack champion
  • Learned how to spell his nickname at age 17
  • Likes chicken. Likes waffles. Will not eat them together.
  • Once ran into the Queen of Diamonds and was not sure how to act.
  • Dated a girl in junior high called "Quarter"
Hopefully this gives you a greater insight into the man simply known as B. Happy Birthday old friend.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Something For The Kids *OR* I Believe The Children Are Our Future

"BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" is a fairly common chant when one is talking about the budget woes in California. We'll leave politics out of this blog as I have found that it makes for uneasy conversation with my friends- trust me- we tried it once and we were all a bit creeped out. Let's talk about those kids though, shall we?

There are usually a few children at every wedding. One will inevitably dance with her father and pictures will be taken and women will be smitten. Then there will be the boy and girl around ages 3 and 4 that will dance with each other and again, women will be smitten. Of course there will be the little boy in the tuxedo and...you guessed it, women will be smitten. We can't forget about the little girl who is so excited to wear her new dress and parade around and...if the trend continues, (say it with me) women will be smitten. Men won't notice much of this at all. We will be wondering when the next meat course is due to come out of the kitchen (there will be multiple meat courses, right?)
Back to the children, I assume there will be a flower girl and a ring bearer. I would like to nominate myself for ring bearer. I did an awesome job when I was about 3 years old and I would like to repeat on my previous success. And there will be other children there as well. How can we keep them entertained? Simple: PONY RIDES!
Maybe we should use a real pony.
And an awesome bounce house! I think I want to slam dance in one of these bad boys. Greg, are you down?
Face painting! Kids love face painting! And the overuse of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A perfect face for the wedding.

What wedding would be complete without a chocolate fountain? Some chocolate covered hands coming to say hi to the bride in her gown. Let the dry cleaning begin!


And here is your news update, in case you live under a rock and somehow this is your only source of news (which is really a sad prospect, especially since this is the only time I have ever put a piece of real news on this blog since this blog has nothing to do with current events and is solely focused on the wedding of Brent Lee and Corrin Clark, two crazy kids just trying to make it in this world. Where was I going with this? Oh right, news). The U.S. shot Osama bin Laden. Well, not the entire U.S., just some select soldiers. And they shot and killed bin Laden. It only took us nearly 10 years. But bravo anyway. He had it coming.