BORING *OR* Let's Do Something Different

Weddings are fairly predictable. Guy stands there, girls walks to him, we laugh as little children walk. They stand while some other guy says stuff. They all recite words, rings get passed along, there is a kiss, the couple is announced and they go off on their merry way.

This is just like a remake of Knight Rider. Or 90210. We've seen it all before. Take something nice and continue to do it until we don't even think about it anymore. Well, to that I say "PBBBSSSTTTT!"

I think we can spice this up a little bit, bring in some unique traits to the wedding of B and Corrin. Here's how I would change the ceremony.

• Groom enters on cow-splattered fire truck with hoses blasting toward crowd. Already we have thrown tradition out the window.
• Bride makes her way down the aisle in Lady Gaga-inspired egg thing.

• Groomsdudes fly in on gliders in steep descent.
• Bridesmaides ride in like a motorcycle gang on bigwheels. 

•  Officiator is actually Gary Busey via Skype.

•  At random times during the ceremony people are encouraged to yell out "DAAAR-RYL" like an old Dodger game when Darryl Strawberry used to play.

•  Wedding guests are given confetti eggs to throw at their leisure.
• Guns N' Roses music is piped into the sound system throughout the ceremony.
• Flowers are replaced with tri-tip.

Some of these ideas would really keep people interested and make this wedding the most talked about wedding since Kate and Will- they were just some people I knew and I talked about their wedding for about an hour.

DJ, Crank Those Tunes *OR* Trying To Watch A White Man Dance

In this era of multiple dancing shows on television, our expectations of what a good dancer can actually do has risen. Back in my day, all you needed was the Roger Rabbit to make yourself look good (hint: B did the Roger Rabbit a lot). But with Thinking You Can Dance With The Stars On Ice For Which I Live on television, we need to step things up a bit. I've already talked about some of the kickin' dance moves B used to do in middle school, but I think we need to start thinking up an appropriate play-list for the reception so that everyone will get on the floor and try to move more than a bamboo tree in a windstorm.

I do have a few requests, and I think they are fairly simple:

1. Please, do not play "YMCA" by the Village People. I hate spelling and dancing simultaneously. Too much work.
2. Don't play "Celebrate." Too cliche. We get it, you're happy and we're happy for you. But save me.
3. "Banditos" by the Refreshments must be played. If I don't know about pistols, pesos and a midnight rendezvous at the mission, my night is lost.

Don't ruin this wedding for me, just play "Banditos" on an endless loop. You can intervene once for a slow song so our couple can take their first dance.

I've come up with other requests for music and what I would like to see, and, as I think we have already discussed, this is all about me, right?

1. I want to see Paul "turn that butter" to a Guns N' Roses tune of his choice.
2. There will be at least one Vanilla Ice song. "Yo VIP, Let's Kick It!"
3. Spare me the conga line. I always end up with some sweaty dude grabbing at my waist. Ugh.
4. I know Corrin likes country music, and there are some good songs out there. But if it turns into a Taylor Swift concert, I'm outta there. Granted, she is easy on the eyes. So if Taylor Swift does appear in person, I will stay.

1. How do you dance to Taylor Swift anyways? Should I make signs to hold up and profess my love?
2. Two words: Bieber Fever!