What Do Gary Busey, A Mongoose Scooter, And Obama Have In Common? This Blog *OR* Whoa There Partner, A Bit Off Topic Again

I heard some other power couple got married this week. Bill and Katie I think their names were, right? Something about being big fans of the Kansas City Royals, I don't know, I wasn't paying much attention. It did seem to be all over the news. Why do we care so much about people we don't know? I heard they aren't even American, like Obama! [That last statement was a joke folks, calm down. Here's another option, "I heard they aren't even American, like Trump's hair!"].

I hear from the grapevine that these Royals fans had multiple changes in transportation. I think we can outdo that pretty easily. I want to see B on a Razor Scooter for the duration of the ceremony. He can be kickin' some wheelies around Corrin. I bet if he starts to practice now we could even get him to ride a scooter while on a pogo stick.

And Corrin should be using a pogo ball. Do you remember pogo balls? I was pretty awesome with one of those things.

In fact, I was pretty awesome on the old school scooters as well.

I did actually have this scooter (this one is not mine) and it was this color. Remember, it was the 80's and it was okay for boys to wear neon pink as well.

Well, as you can see we have gotten pretty far off our original topic. It is like listening to Gary Busey.

I'll Drink To That *OR* Another Toast

I previously wrote a toast for B and Corrin. It was good, trust me. But I think I have stumbled upon another idea, so bear with me here. If I don't give this toast, feel free to use it at showers, bachelor(ette) parties, rehearsal dinners and the like. Hey, if they get it more than once it might actually mean something.

Hi there! I'm [insert your name here] and I am [insert relationship to either B or Corrin]. I've known [choose either B or Corrin] for [insert years you have known that person] years. As the [insert wedding title], I feel that I am the most qualified to give this toast. When I heard that B and Corrin had started dating, I said to myself, "Self: it is about time that they found someone. I mean, neither of them is getting any younger and if I have to wait any longer to be a [insert wedding title] in [choose either B or Corrin] wedding, I might just go follow Vanilla Ice on tour, like a Deadhead. Luckily for Mr. Ice, we did not have to resort to that. I've been privileged to watch [choose either B or Corrin] fall in love. Oh sure, I've never seen anyone over 14 years old text that much, but such is the cost of love. It was obvious that they had something special and it wasn't a disease [wait for muted laughter]. Now, as I am sure you know, both B and Corrin work for CalFire and are responsible for our safety. I know what you are all thinking, "Eek, had I known that, I would have moved to Nebraska" [wait for laughter, explain joke if needed], but let me assure you, they take their jobs very seriously. Let's not talk about work, that is not what we are here for [place plug for yourself that you are available for hire for wedding and bat mitzvahs, but not bar mitzvahs]. Let me tell you a little bit about B and Corrin. B is prone to accidents. He seems to crash into things, hard. In high school he crashed into a pole in the locker room, and I'm not talking about that kind of pole [wait for people to get the crude joke]. His nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his right. About two weeks later his nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his left. You'll note how asymmetrical his nose is now! Later in his life, he smashed into not one, not two, but three cows with a firetruck. And now he has smashed into loving Corrin [wait for loving sighs]. Corrin is a woman with a big heart, but don't worry nurses, she is getting it taken care of [laugh yourself so people get the joke]. Seriously though, she cares a lot [cue DJ to play Faith No More's hit 'We Care A Lot']. She cares about who Rascal Flatts performs music with. Okay, I am getting the cut it out sign from multiple people in the room, so I should wrap this up. I just want to say to [choose second closest relation between B or Corrin] congratulations, you are getting a wonderful friend in [choose closest relation]. I know that you two will be happy for the rest of your lives, much like [choose yourself if you are married, or choose some people who are happily married]. Cheers, and don't forget, I really am available for bat mitzvahs!

BORING *OR* Let's Do Something Different

Weddings are fairly predictable. Guy stands there, girls walks to him, we laugh as little children walk. They stand while some other guy says stuff. They all recite words, rings get passed along, there is a kiss, the couple is announced and they go off on their merry way.

This is just like a remake of Knight Rider. Or 90210. We've seen it all before. Take something nice and continue to do it until we don't even think about it anymore. Well, to that I say "PBBBSSSTTTT!"

I think we can spice this up a little bit, bring in some unique traits to the wedding of B and Corrin. Here's how I would change the ceremony.

• Groom enters on cow-splattered fire truck with hoses blasting toward crowd. Already we have thrown tradition out the window.
• Bride makes her way down the aisle in Lady Gaga-inspired egg thing.

• Groomsdudes fly in on gliders in steep descent.
• Bridesmaides ride in like a motorcycle gang on bigwheels. 

•  Officiator is actually Gary Busey via Skype.

•  At random times during the ceremony people are encouraged to yell out "DAAAR-RYL" like an old Dodger game when Darryl Strawberry used to play.

•  Wedding guests are given confetti eggs to throw at their leisure.
• Guns N' Roses music is piped into the sound system throughout the ceremony.
• Flowers are replaced with tri-tip.

Some of these ideas would really keep people interested and make this wedding the most talked about wedding since Kate and Will- they were just some people I knew and I talked about their wedding for about an hour.

Smile, You're On Candid Camera *OR* More Pranks

Last time we threw out some ideas for some basic pranks that one could pull at the wedding. I think we should kick it up a notch and put out some other ideas.

During the ceremony, nothing says funny like some firecrackers going off right behind the groom. This way you can get him lodging at the hospital for his wedding night. A bit dangerous, but oh, very funny.

Don't worry, we won't do that one.

Or, we could hide your car. On a bluff. Overlooking Fresno. And once you do find the car, you will note that a family of rats have moved in and called dibs on pretty much everything. Including your Vanilla Ice cds. Don't those rats have any decency?

Or, there is the classic remove all the labels from the cans and bottles and place those cans and bottles in the bathrooms.

I couldn't find the picture I wanted.

But we could just gussy (points for using "gussy") up your place and do a little light decoration. Like keeping your bed fresh in tin foil.

Maybe a little snack upon your return from your honeymoon. A room full of popcorn sounds pretty tasty to me.

And don't worry, while you are away, we will keep your cars nice and fresh too.

Now, this is just a sample of some of the things that could/might happen. I'm not saying any of them will happen and I'm not saying none of them will happen. Maybe something different, maybe not. There is a reason that this blog is coming about 11 months away, so you will forget. Sleep well!

Wedding Band

Very quick post. I think I found your wedding band.

Where's Ashton? *OR* Delightful Wedding Pranks- Part I

What does every good wedding and marriage have? Ok, sure, a bride and groom are fairly important. But let's think bigger. I'm thinking some pranks. I'm not exactly saying that we as wedding goers should plan on pulling pranks or stunts during the wedding, but, if you were so inclined, I might have a few ideas.

There are a few places where a well-placed prank can provide the most entertainment. I would stay away from the ceremony, that is most likely off limits. Granted, a clever message from the groom to the audience during the ceremony can provide some needed levity. Groomsdudes are likely to play along, but don't expect us to instigate. Now, the reception is ripe for some practical jokes.

Exploding cake? Oh yeah, thought about it.

Mosh-pit dancing to "Slam" by Onyx? Certainly could be done.




Hilariously awkward item found under the bride while the groom removes garter? A classic.

Insert your own "firecrotch" jokes here.

Naked baby pictures of the bride and groom blown up real big? Sure, a little embarrassment goes a long way.

Of course, you can hunt down their car and decorate it. (Some people don't take this too well after a week of no sleep- sorry guys).

But this is all pretty basic stuff, next time we'll explore some other ideas...stay tuned.

Love Sick *OR* Love Makes Me Sick

I think I may have used this phrase a few times in this blog, but I think I have stumbled upon the worst part of a wedding. It is all the love. Like a sticky Celine Dion type of sappy love. Scratch that, more like a Miley Cyrus theme-song for a Nicholas Sparks novel kind of dripping love. The dripping love you normally would have a doctor check out. And yes, I realize that this is the type of affection and infatuation that should be showcased at a wedding, but think of the children! It is like we are watching a Julia Roberts movie while trying to read a Jane Austen novel. It is so sweet that the women protesting high-fructose corn sugar have moved onto this cause.

I'm all for love (quick, name that tune and artist. Answers at the end of this entry). Heck, I even got married myself because I fell in love (and remain there, thank you very much). But do we need to showcase how fresh your love is at a wedding? It gets all of us married guys in trouble with questions that often start with the words "How come you don't....?" Thanks, thanks a lot for that. Make the rest of us look like slobs. We really appreciate it.

My wonderful wife and I had the chance to take our 7 month-old son up to the belly of the beast. We ventured up to see B and Corrin in Morro Bay. They were kind enough to let us stay at their place and we had a very nice time. Not many couples would allow an infant invade their home, very brave indeed.

I can attest from being around B and Corrin that they are very much in love. I have known B for around 19 years or so and I do not recall him being so happy for such an extended period of time. He used to be a bit like Eeyore, always being a melancholy chap.

Now he is Tigger, and it is challenging to get him to sit still for a moment.

Kudos to you kids for finding each other and I am happy to see that you make each other happy. Just knock this kind of affection off, it makes my son ill.

And while you are in Morro Bay, be sure to visit the famous Shell Shop for all your seashell needs.

Oh, the answer to the quick quiz was either:
Rod Stewart: "All For Love"
Color Me Badd: "All 4 Love"

BINGO! *OR* A Wedding Game

If you're like me, and trust me, you're not, you feel like you've been to one wedding, you've been to them all. "Yipee! Flowers, love, food, cake, blah blah blah." It takes a lot to make a wedding unique. This isn't to say that I wouldn't want to be there and support you, but sometimes you have to do something to entertain yourself during the festivities. This is especially true if you are not the sweaty guy out there on the dance floor.

Now you're thinking to yourself "Hey, this guy is right. I mean, I love a good wedding, but why not spice it up a little bit?" Heck, I'm right there with you being with me (huh? Did that make sense?). Normally I would suggest a drinking game, but since I don't drink, let's play WEDDING BINGO!

Here's how the game works: You mark down the spaces as you hear these words from either B or Corrin. You do not get to mark the space unless B or Corrin say these words. You are on the honor system here, I am trusting you fellow wedding goer. The first one to connect five in a row, wins. There will also be a winner for the first one to complete the board. Pretty simple. Your prize will be a chance to kiss B. And here is the board:

 Be sure to print this out or make it compatible to your i-Device. I will NOT be handing these out at the door, you have to bring your own. This game is for insiders only. Good luck cats and kittens.