Skip The Toast, More Wilco! *OR* What Has The Stig Done For Me Lately?

You've waiting patiently and here we go, a new blog entry today. Of course, the problem becomes what on earth to write about?

Some of the Lee clan was down in the civilized world this past weekend to associate with their friends and of course the topic turned to the wedding. I asked Paul about his speech, to see if he had any ideas, because I don't want to trample on his speech with my own. Greg was interested as well, because we all need to be unique. Of course, this will be difficult when we are each trying to fill in our allotted toast time of 40 minutes or so. I was thinking I may put together a multimedia presentation.

I hope there is a big enough room for a screen this size. I've got some great pictures that will look amazing at 40' wide. I guess the issue now is what to talk about. I assume that Paul will actually talk about B and Corrin, so there is no need to rehash that old subject. Greg could talk about a variety of things, but I really hope he presents his "Top Gear" thesis.

I think I may try to cover the career of alternative rock darlings, Wilco.

I am pretty sure the folks at the wedding will appreciated being enlightened about some of the more important aspects of the art culture in the modern day.

Too often we get a bit too involved in the bride and groom at the wedding. Life still goes on and they need to learn it is not always about them. You can have your few moments, but let's talk about some of the bigger things in life, shall we? And darnit, you are going to sit there for the entire time that each of us is speaking and you are going to take notes. You will be turning in those notes at the end of the wedding and be graded.

So sit back, relax, enjoy the presentations and don't worry, the beef won't get that cold.

I'll Drink To That *OR* Another Toast

I previously wrote a toast for B and Corrin. It was good, trust me. But I think I have stumbled upon another idea, so bear with me here. If I don't give this toast, feel free to use it at showers, bachelor(ette) parties, rehearsal dinners and the like. Hey, if they get it more than once it might actually mean something.

Hi there! I'm [insert your name here] and I am [insert relationship to either B or Corrin]. I've known [choose either B or Corrin] for [insert years you have known that person] years. As the [insert wedding title], I feel that I am the most qualified to give this toast. When I heard that B and Corrin had started dating, I said to myself, "Self: it is about time that they found someone. I mean, neither of them is getting any younger and if I have to wait any longer to be a [insert wedding title] in [choose either B or Corrin] wedding, I might just go follow Vanilla Ice on tour, like a Deadhead. Luckily for Mr. Ice, we did not have to resort to that. I've been privileged to watch [choose either B or Corrin] fall in love. Oh sure, I've never seen anyone over 14 years old text that much, but such is the cost of love. It was obvious that they had something special and it wasn't a disease [wait for muted laughter]. Now, as I am sure you know, both B and Corrin work for CalFire and are responsible for our safety. I know what you are all thinking, "Eek, had I known that, I would have moved to Nebraska" [wait for laughter, explain joke if needed], but let me assure you, they take their jobs very seriously. Let's not talk about work, that is not what we are here for [place plug for yourself that you are available for hire for wedding and bat mitzvahs, but not bar mitzvahs]. Let me tell you a little bit about B and Corrin. B is prone to accidents. He seems to crash into things, hard. In high school he crashed into a pole in the locker room, and I'm not talking about that kind of pole [wait for people to get the crude joke]. His nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his right. About two weeks later his nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his left. You'll note how asymmetrical his nose is now! Later in his life, he smashed into not one, not two, but three cows with a firetruck. And now he has smashed into loving Corrin [wait for loving sighs]. Corrin is a woman with a big heart, but don't worry nurses, she is getting it taken care of [laugh yourself so people get the joke]. Seriously though, she cares a lot [cue DJ to play Faith No More's hit 'We Care A Lot']. She cares about who Rascal Flatts performs music with. Okay, I am getting the cut it out sign from multiple people in the room, so I should wrap this up. I just want to say to [choose second closest relation between B or Corrin] congratulations, you are getting a wonderful friend in [choose closest relation]. I know that you two will be happy for the rest of your lives, much like [choose yourself if you are married, or choose some people who are happily married]. Cheers, and don't forget, I really am available for bat mitzvahs!

Let's Toast, To Me!

You longtime followers of the blog will notice our new look. Yup, that's our new look. Nifty. And hello to our newest follower, Greg. Granted, this is partly his idea, so I take it back.

We've all been to weddings, right? We've sat through plenty of ceremonies in churches, on the beach, in the mountains, at McDonald's, the list just goes on. And then we've been to the receptions that follow where, in exchange for our attendance we are rewarded with a dry piece of chicken in some sauce that we just can't quite make out. Is that a hollandaise or just a chicken gravy? We will never know.

And then we hear the clinking of glasses and we all want to see the newly married couple give a little kiss. Somehow the evening moves on and it is time for the toast. So this guy get's up, roasts his best friend and we are supposed to be endeared.

Not that I have been asked to give a toast, but I thought I would give you a taste of what you might hear. I might look like this:

And I would say this "B, I've known you for 20 years or so now and for that, I am sorry. I've seen you hit your face on a pole before going swimming. I've seen you wear a Vanilla Ice shirt. I've seen you get hit in the face twice with a baseball. I've heard you try to pass kidney stones. I've heard that you hit a bunch of cows with a fire truck. I've spent countless hours in the Kona Nut. I've seen you run through stop signs and drive on the wrong side of the road. I've traveled with you, done a death march, spun around in a glider, and flown a kite out of a convertible down highway one. Oh wait, that last one was Greg. All that being said, I've never seen you happier than you are with Corrin and I wish you both the best. Cheers."

Of course, there would be laughter and then a solemn moment as we realize I might have a heart. Then I would demand some attention and appreciation for my moment and basically shift the spotlight to me, where it belongs. People would open their wallets and their hearts to me and shower me with gifts. Wow, this sounds great. Huh? I've got to wait until March? Of 2012? Ah, nevermind.