Pastry Is Better With Fire Placed On It *OR* Happy Birthday B

A mere 133 years ago, in the shadow of the Appalachian mountains where only the bald eagle flies free, a baby was born. This baby, of course, has nothing to do with Brent Lee. Nope, B was born 33 years ago and I assume that he was delivered in a hospital. Sure, we could get sappy today and wish B a happy birthday and reminisce about the good times, but that would not be this blog, now would it?

This picture makes it look like I have been tracking Sasquatch.

I think in celebration of the man they call B, we should dig deep into the archives and present some little known facts about B. The following are facts in the truest sense of the word.

• B is scared of the black piano keys
• He once ate an entire box of Chip's Ahoy cookies and then started to get chocolate chip freckles
• He knows all the words to the "Macarena"
• His left hand can change the tides, don't ask how
• B taught a baby bird how to fly by actually flying beside it
• He is afraid of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish
• Favorite word: Cucamunga
• He speaks Klingon
• Once was a jumping jack champion
• Learned how to spell his nickname at age 17
• Likes chicken. Likes waffles. Will not eat them together.
• Once ran into the Queen of Diamonds and was not sure how to act.
• Dated a girl in junior high called "Quarter"

Hopefully this gives you a greater insight into the man simply known as B. Happy Birthday old friend.

How Dare You *OR* You Can't Say That

To help the casual wedding goer, I am putting together a list of faux pas that should be avoided at any wedding. This will most likely be a two-parter blog entry (like you really care). And since I just write these things without any editing, we'll see where it goes and if we even need a second posting. Can't you tell the production values here are just top notch? I'm like the California budget, I exist, people are worried, but nobody wants to do anything about. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan's career! HA!

So here are some topics and words that you should avoid during the wedding of B and Corrin. Some may be taboo topics and some might just rile the feathers of certain wedding party members (I'm talking about Paul here, he is very sensitive).

• Spooge. This goes without saying. You just can't talk about spooge at a wedding. Gross.
• Gentleman's juice/ gentleman's sausage. See the reasoning above.
• Baby batter. While amusing, it lacks tact. Seriously people, class it up.
• Previous past girlfriends/boyfriends. However, you may bring up Tasha Pounders and Melissa whatever-her-last-name was. I know I do.
• Cows. I think this one speaks for itself.
• Paul's fascination with sheep. We simply can't tackle this love in one wedding.
• This blog. Shh, it is a secret and only 1,600 people seem to know about it. Let's let it be a surprise for B and Corrin.
• Filet-o-Fish from McDonald's. Only bring this up if you want to see Greg and myself get ill. Quickly.
• The Dodgers. Actually, we'll still be in spring training, so we can chat about this if you like.
• The triplets of Abernathy, Bernard and Carl. B seems to be a little touchy about this one.
• Vanilla Ice. I think there may be some trademark infringement about to happen.
• Oprah. I don't like her and neither should you. Simple as that.
• Nuclear holocaust. This is just a downer, why would you bring this up at a wedding?
• States that end in "ucky." I bet you are trying to think of how many states fit that bill. The answer is one. Good work there Carmen San Diego!
• My good looks. I don't want to overshadow B on his wedding day. But to give you a hint, this is typically how I look at weddings:

I LOVE weddings! Don't try to contain my excitement.

• Celine Dion. French-Canadian. Need I say more?
• Don't mention how much cooler this wedding would be if there were fire-throwers.
• Cheese.
• Charlie Sheen's downward spiral of shame and destruction. Granted, he may hit rehab by the time we reach the wedding. Or he may die. Only time will tell. I won't tell you which box I have in my office pool. Granted, it might help if I had an office...ok, off topic there.
• Rebecca Black's awesome music. I hold this dear to my heart and yet people seem to make fun of it. Like this one:

Ok, I think that covers things you shouldn't talk about at the wedding. Next we'll cover what you shouldn't DO at the wedding. I would keep an eye on Paul and Greg. I sense trouble brewing. And don't point your fingers at me, I'm innocent.

You will now note that you can "React" to the blog by checking boxes below. Knock yourself out.

1,000 Views! *OR* How Did I Get So Popular?

Facebook, watch out! Downward Brent Lee is on its way for web domination. At around 2:00pm on Monday, January 17, 2011, The Downward Spiral of Brent Lee had its 1,000th page view. So the crack writing team is popping corks and drinking sparkling cider (no drinking at work) while toasting their newly found success.

A whopping 61 posts, and only 19 references to Vanilla Ice. Scratch that, 20 references now. We will still be talking about wedding ideas for B and Corrin, since that is the entire reason for this blog. But I think we are going to expand a bit. We're thinking about some theme restaurants across the country. Maybe some tie-ins with Starbucks and McDonald's. There is a feature film in the work about the life of a stay-at-home dad and his blogging ways. The biography is being written by Snooki as we speak.

Now that I am more popular than Michael Jackson and Tiny Tim combined, I have some influence in the world.

Tiny Tim...seriously.

Why did I have to wait until I was 31 to become so popular? Why couldn't this happen when I was in high school or college. Where are the groupies now? Argh.

But we here at Downward Brent Lee and the Twitter feed want to thank B and Corrin for their continued good humor about the site. And thanks to our readers for...reading I guess. We'll be back a little later in the week with a post actually related to the wedding (go figure). And behind the scenes, the gears are starting to turn for B's bachelor party. I hope everyone has their passports and burkas ready.

Getting In Touch With Our Feminine Side *OR* The Bachelorette Party

We've focused a lot here at Downward Brent Lee on the male perspective, seeing as how B is a male and your crack team of writers here are male as well. In honor of the quickly lessening influence of the metro-sexual male who is in touch with his feminine side, we present to you ideas for the Bachelorette Party. I've got to hand it to you women, you have hidden the rights and passages of this time honored tradition quite well. It is like trying to figure out what the Masons are really doing in there or learning what is in the secret sauce at McDonald's. My assumption from watching MTV Spring Break is that when a group of women get together to celebrate some monumental moment in a woman's life, that there is the need to treat the lady of the hour like a queen and that she is very concerned with "getting her groove on." It also seems that fruity variations of martinis must be consumed and there will be lots of hooting and hollering. In some lesser occasions, cowboy hats will be worn and mechanical bulls will be ridden, but I don't have substantial evidence to back up that claim.

I am also familiar with the desire of the party-goers to try to embarrass the "queen" by making her do some ridiculous stunts and tasks. I get this, I keep betting B a dollar to do various things I know that he will never do. I think I have even once had to lick some candy off a lady. Oh wait, that was in Taiwan, nevermind.

To keep Corrin from being utterly embarrassed or arrested, I have compiled some wonderful ideas for a Bachelorette Party that I think her bridesmaids should consider. These are all approved by the Council For Family Relations and the Organization To Keep An Engaged Couple Making Vows. In no particular order:

• Book club! You can read one of Oprah's books, eat Bon-Bons, and giggle as needed. In bed by 10:30pm and no pesky hangover.
• A little hike and picnic to the ocean. Enjoy some sandwiches and salads. You may play flag football or frisbee. Your choice.
• A lovely dinner at Windows On The Water: Morro Bay's premier dining destination. May I suggest the duck?
• A hilarious game of miniature golf. Splurge and enjoy an Icee.
• Electric boat ride around Morro Bay. See some seals, laugh at the kayakers. 

This should get the creative juices flowing for the ladies. Remember, the key is to have a safe, fun time out there and enjoy some quiet "girl time" together. Once B gets in the picture, it will be monster trucks, diesel power, guns, heavy metal music, and steak all the time.

If The Food Ain't Good, I'm Gunna Cop A 'Tude

We've been to banquets and weddings and other events where we are served the famous chicken covered in a white sauce with a side of steamed vegetables.

Sure, it may fill you up, but in my experience, it backs you up too, if you catch my drift. Of course, you can try the steak, a fairly safe choice. Or you can be adventurous and try the fish. We never quite know what type of fish it is, we just hope there is some real fish in it. Like a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald's you might eat at 2:00am in Las Vegas (Paul, I'm looking at you).

Yet, the wedding goers of today have a more discernible palate. We demand the finer things in life. No longer are we satisfied with corn dogs and mac-n-cheez. We expect four star dining from America's Michelin Star winning chefs. I'm talking about the Eric Riperts

and Masa Takayama's of the world.

Or at least a James Beard award winner who does some cool molecular gastronomy, like Jose Andres.

This is the type of food where they make a foam from tuna and put it on a cracker that tastes like root beer and you get one bite and they charge you $100 for it. Cool stuff!

Doesn't this just whet your appetite?

So here is the menu I would suggest:

First Course
Amuse Bouche of a quail egg yolk prepared by rubbing it in the hand of a vestal virgin and layered on a "lasagna" made of anemone roe with squid ink

Second Course
Mint salad with a medley of spring vegetable and pea puree

Third Course
Roasted lamb marrow served in a toasted almond cookie


Fourth Course
Kangaroo tar-tar with an orange chutney sprinkled with s'more dust

Fifth Course
Sorbet of basil and garlic, topped with a sardine sauce

Sixth Course
Electric eel skin cracklins

Dessert
Wedding cake (we can't stray too far off course, this is a wedding)



Or if this is too ambitious, how about some grilled steak and beans? Yummm.

All while Girl Howdy & The Spurs kick up a good time!

I reckon it's time for a Honkytonk Hullaballoo!

Would You Like Fries With That?

Previously I had suggested that B and Corrin get married at McDonald's. It seems so easy and so...rednecky. This is not to say that B or Corrin is rednecky at all. And are we all impressed that I have been able to use the made-up word "rednecky" in three consecutive sentences? We should be!

It seems that a place that I would not consider rednecky (#4 for those counting) has jumped all over my idea and McDonald's is trying to make it fashionable. Hong Kong, one of the most diverse locations in the world, a veritable melting pot of culture has lost all sense of culture. Sorry Hong Kong, I never got to visit before you went downhill. The kids are flocking to the golden arches to start their new lives as husband and wife and trans-fat. Wait, do they use trans-fat? Honestly, the last time I ate anything other than ice cream at a McDonald's was probably in 1999. So the kids are going to their local fast food joint and getting hitched. Look at the fun you can have. You can reenact your favorite "Lady & The Tramp" scene

But insert a french fry for a noodle, like this couple

Cute? And guess what Corrin, searching through magazines and store racks is over for you! McDonald's will take care of your dress as well. Just look at what these lovely ladies are wearing down between the tables and screaming children:

Yup, those are balloon dresses. Probably means you won't be sitting down, but sure makes the honeymoon interesting. And you won't have to wonder what to do with the dress when you are done, just hand it off to some guy on the street to make balloon Transformers. I prefer old-school Optimus Prime:

So now you're thinking "I have a great location. I've got the perfect dress. I've got most of the food covered. What about the cake?" Oh, they've got you covered there too.

A cake made of apple pie boxes. My guess is that there are apple pies in there, but I just can't say for sure. Look, I like apple pie, but really? This seems lazy even for McDonald's.

I understand if you have other plans for the actual wedding location, but you are in luck. They will do engagement parties and anniversaries. Now, if we could only get either Hofbrau

or Jocko's to do the same, we would be in luck.

Let's Toast, To Me!

You longtime followers of the blog will notice our new look. Yup, that's our new look. Nifty. And hello to our newest follower, Greg. Granted, this is partly his idea, so I take it back.

We've all been to weddings, right? We've sat through plenty of ceremonies in churches, on the beach, in the mountains, at McDonald's, the list just goes on. And then we've been to the receptions that follow where, in exchange for our attendance we are rewarded with a dry piece of chicken in some sauce that we just can't quite make out. Is that a hollandaise or just a chicken gravy? We will never know.

And then we hear the clinking of glasses and we all want to see the newly married couple give a little kiss. Somehow the evening moves on and it is time for the toast. So this guy get's up, roasts his best friend and we are supposed to be endeared.

Not that I have been asked to give a toast, but I thought I would give you a taste of what you might hear. I might look like this:

And I would say this "B, I've known you for 20 years or so now and for that, I am sorry. I've seen you hit your face on a pole before going swimming. I've seen you wear a Vanilla Ice shirt. I've seen you get hit in the face twice with a baseball. I've heard you try to pass kidney stones. I've heard that you hit a bunch of cows with a fire truck. I've spent countless hours in the Kona Nut. I've seen you run through stop signs and drive on the wrong side of the road. I've traveled with you, done a death march, spun around in a glider, and flown a kite out of a convertible down highway one. Oh wait, that last one was Greg. All that being said, I've never seen you happier than you are with Corrin and I wish you both the best. Cheers."

Of course, there would be laughter and then a solemn moment as we realize I might have a heart. Then I would demand some attention and appreciation for my moment and basically shift the spotlight to me, where it belongs. People would open their wallets and their hearts to me and shower me with gifts. Wow, this sounds great. Huh? I've got to wait until March? Of 2012? Ah, nevermind.

Theme Wedding

I teased a little bit last time about B's wedding being at a McDonald's. Of course, this would be ridiculous. Just like his brother Paul eating a Filet-O-Fish at 2:00am in Las Vegas when there was a perfectly good ice cream shop next door. To each their own I suppose.

Who doesn't love a good theme wedding? A chance for the guests and wedding party to live out their greatest nerd fantasies. We know the idea, get married in Vegas by Elvis. Too cliche for our happy couple. Star Trek? Not quite right either. Sammy Davis Jr? I don't think B even knows who that is.

Ok, that is Sammy. Part of the Rat Pack. Classic Vegas. Moving on I guess. So where can we head with this for B? A fire theme seems appropriate since both he and Corrin are involved in that industry and that is how they met.

Let's be honest, this is a pretty cool cake. I can see it now, they come roaring in on the back of a ladder truck that has previously run into three cows (inside joke that most people know). B wearing turnouts over his soot-covered tux. Corrin in a nice gown wearing some fire boots. Instead of doves, every guest gets hosed by a full-pressure fire hose. Cutting the cake with a fire axe? Fun for kids abound! Parting gifts are fire starters (someone has to keep these two employed).