Last Post Of 2011 *OR* Why Change When I'm Perfect?

You didn't think I could let 2011 slip by without one more blog post, did you? I know that this blog has gone from multiple postings in a week to maybe 2 a month, but such is the life of a lonely blogger. I bet you can picture it now, surrounded by empty bags of potato chips listening to endless dance music in a poorly lit room surrounded by banks of computers and researchers bringing me facts and Red Bull.

Luckily for everyone, you would be wrong. I have a tiny alcove in a living room and I drink water. So there!

With the end of 2011, it comes time to make resolutions for the new year. Ways in which we can improve ourselves and not repeat the failures of past years. Yet, as I look back I realize that I'm perfect. I have been groomed well (in both senses of the word), I'm an intelligent fellow, I can use the word fellow without it seeming pompous, and there is nothing about me that needs changing. Full of myself you ask? Nope, just confident that I do not need to change.

Since I don't need any modification, let's move on to the happy couple, shall we? And as we all know that women know everything and don't need to change (um, yeah....), let's focus on B. So here is a list of resolutions that I have compiled for B for 2012.

• Stop licking envelopes for fun. The danger of a papercut is simply too much.
• Be sure to send more cash to my groomsdudes. $250/week should do it.
• Learn to embrace the idea that dinner does not need to be eaten at 4:30pm. 
• Triplets! B is going to father triplets in 2012. Need I remind you of their names? Abernathy, Bernard, and Carl.
• Help Vanilla Ice reclaim his star status. Encourage him to get a morning talk show. Show the happy side of Mr. Ice.
• Stop being afraid of cities larger than 5,000 people. Los Angeles is a fine place to visit.
• Let the subscription to Oprah's magazine not get renewed. Move on to Rachel Ray.
• Stop crying at the end of "Wall-E."
• Eat more shrimp.
• Wear more Ed Hardy.
• Dance like no one is watching. But know that we are.
• Grow a cool firefighter/80's porn star mustache.
• Start calling Corrin by her pet name: "Batgirl."
• Did he write those checks to his groomsdudes yet? A wire transfer will be fine.
• Listen to a little less Celine Dion and move on to Enya or John Tesh.

This is a good start for 2011. There may be more, but at the rate I blog, I doubt it. See you in 78 days!

How Dare You *OR* You Can't Say That

To help the casual wedding goer, I am putting together a list of faux pas that should be avoided at any wedding. This will most likely be a two-parter blog entry (like you really care). And since I just write these things without any editing, we'll see where it goes and if we even need a second posting. Can't you tell the production values here are just top notch? I'm like the California budget, I exist, people are worried, but nobody wants to do anything about. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan's career! HA!

So here are some topics and words that you should avoid during the wedding of B and Corrin. Some may be taboo topics and some might just rile the feathers of certain wedding party members (I'm talking about Paul here, he is very sensitive).

• Spooge. This goes without saying. You just can't talk about spooge at a wedding. Gross.
• Gentleman's juice/ gentleman's sausage. See the reasoning above.
• Baby batter. While amusing, it lacks tact. Seriously people, class it up.
• Previous past girlfriends/boyfriends. However, you may bring up Tasha Pounders and Melissa whatever-her-last-name was. I know I do.
• Cows. I think this one speaks for itself.
• Paul's fascination with sheep. We simply can't tackle this love in one wedding.
• This blog. Shh, it is a secret and only 1,600 people seem to know about it. Let's let it be a surprise for B and Corrin.
• Filet-o-Fish from McDonald's. Only bring this up if you want to see Greg and myself get ill. Quickly.
• The Dodgers. Actually, we'll still be in spring training, so we can chat about this if you like.
• The triplets of Abernathy, Bernard and Carl. B seems to be a little touchy about this one.
• Vanilla Ice. I think there may be some trademark infringement about to happen.
• Oprah. I don't like her and neither should you. Simple as that.
• Nuclear holocaust. This is just a downer, why would you bring this up at a wedding?
• States that end in "ucky." I bet you are trying to think of how many states fit that bill. The answer is one. Good work there Carmen San Diego!
• My good looks. I don't want to overshadow B on his wedding day. But to give you a hint, this is typically how I look at weddings:

I LOVE weddings! Don't try to contain my excitement.

• Celine Dion. French-Canadian. Need I say more?
• Don't mention how much cooler this wedding would be if there were fire-throwers.
• Cheese.
• Charlie Sheen's downward spiral of shame and destruction. Granted, he may hit rehab by the time we reach the wedding. Or he may die. Only time will tell. I won't tell you which box I have in my office pool. Granted, it might help if I had an office...ok, off topic there.
• Rebecca Black's awesome music. I hold this dear to my heart and yet people seem to make fun of it. Like this one:

Ok, I think that covers things you shouldn't talk about at the wedding. Next we'll cover what you shouldn't DO at the wedding. I would keep an eye on Paul and Greg. I sense trouble brewing. And don't point your fingers at me, I'm innocent.

You will now note that you can "React" to the blog by checking boxes below. Knock yourself out.

How To Make A Quick Buck *OR* Let's Get Them To Pay You For The Wedding

A lot of couples spend a lot of time picking out the perfect cake, perfect flowers, perfect location, perfect food, perfect music, and of course, the perfect spouse for their wedding. They've got it down to colors, smells, ambiance, and even stemware. Some go the Star Jones route and get their entire wedding sponsored by groups showcasing their wares.

I think there is a great opportunity here to make a little money while throwing a kickin' shindig: sponsorship.  Hallmark can sponsor the invitations. When guests of the B & Corrin wedding stay in the Central Coast, they stay at the Embarcadero Inn in Morro Bay. Wedding guests dine at Hofbrau, of course! Wedding patrons only wear Calvin Klein dresses and suits. Transportation is provided by Chevrolet cars and trucks. Flowers have been donated by ProFlowers.com. And so on, and so forth.

Weddings can get expensive, even when trying to cut corners. Heck, one wedding I went to simply gave me directions to the nearest Taco Bell en route to the reception at a quiet street corner where there happened to be a bus bench.

It was a beautiful wedding though.

Heck, if you start now it can be like an episode of Oprah's favorite things. Come to the wedding and find out what you might win. Maybe it will be a trip to Australia, maybe it will be a lifetime supply of Aquafina water, you won't know until you show up.

In other news, we are so close to 1,000 visitors! Crazy. Look for that post once we pass that number. Thanks for reading folks. Or for those that don't read, thanks for looking at pictures.

Getting In Touch With Our Feminine Side *OR* The Bachelorette Party

We've focused a lot here at Downward Brent Lee on the male perspective, seeing as how B is a male and your crack team of writers here are male as well. In honor of the quickly lessening influence of the metro-sexual male who is in touch with his feminine side, we present to you ideas for the Bachelorette Party. I've got to hand it to you women, you have hidden the rights and passages of this time honored tradition quite well. It is like trying to figure out what the Masons are really doing in there or learning what is in the secret sauce at McDonald's. My assumption from watching MTV Spring Break is that when a group of women get together to celebrate some monumental moment in a woman's life, that there is the need to treat the lady of the hour like a queen and that she is very concerned with "getting her groove on." It also seems that fruity variations of martinis must be consumed and there will be lots of hooting and hollering. In some lesser occasions, cowboy hats will be worn and mechanical bulls will be ridden, but I don't have substantial evidence to back up that claim.

I am also familiar with the desire of the party-goers to try to embarrass the "queen" by making her do some ridiculous stunts and tasks. I get this, I keep betting B a dollar to do various things I know that he will never do. I think I have even once had to lick some candy off a lady. Oh wait, that was in Taiwan, nevermind.

To keep Corrin from being utterly embarrassed or arrested, I have compiled some wonderful ideas for a Bachelorette Party that I think her bridesmaids should consider. These are all approved by the Council For Family Relations and the Organization To Keep An Engaged Couple Making Vows. In no particular order:

• Book club! You can read one of Oprah's books, eat Bon-Bons, and giggle as needed. In bed by 10:30pm and no pesky hangover.
• A little hike and picnic to the ocean. Enjoy some sandwiches and salads. You may play flag football or frisbee. Your choice.
• A lovely dinner at Windows On The Water: Morro Bay's premier dining destination. May I suggest the duck?
• A hilarious game of miniature golf. Splurge and enjoy an Icee.
• Electric boat ride around Morro Bay. See some seals, laugh at the kayakers. 

This should get the creative juices flowing for the ladies. Remember, the key is to have a safe, fun time out there and enjoy some quiet "girl time" together. Once B gets in the picture, it will be monster trucks, diesel power, guns, heavy metal music, and steak all the time.

Let's Go Hunting

Hello to Toni, our newest, and by definition, favorite follower.

This isn't the type of hunting I am talking about. Though this would be interesting....

No, I am talking about a good old fashioned scavenger hunt. You know the type, someone makes a list of random things that you have to collect or do and the first one to return with a completed list wins fame and fortune. Think of all of the huge names that have won scavenger hunts that have gone on to become big names in society. You've got Rod Blagojevich, The Bell City Council, Ted Kaczynski, and Oprah. All big scavenger hunt winners.

How can we, as loyal blog readers and future wedding goers keep the momentum rolling until March of 2012? Let's put on our pants, lace up our sneakers, grab the camera from the shelf, make sure we have our ID, take our keys, make sure the house is locked up and do our own scavenger hunt.

I will put together a list of some things that you would need to take pictures of to win this hunt. You need to show me photographic proof that you have completed this list in order to win. The prize will be that I will make sure that I don't sit next to you at the wedding. Lucky!

Here's your list:

• Brent smiling without sunglasses on
• Corrin at age 8.
• B & Corrin holding hands with interlocked fingers
• A beef dip sandwich at Hofbrau
• Santa Claus on the 101
• A 1958 Cadillac (you can choose the model)
• B's niece and nephew playing with play-doh
• A Mexican goat
• B and Paul enjoying a slow dance together
• Greg & Jave flying a kite out of a convertible at 65 mph down Highway 1
• B & Corrin's fridge full of food
• The Kona Nut
• Some guy named Ernesto
• Paul eating Filet-o-Fish between 2:00am and 4:00am
• Art Garfunkel and Jean-Claude Van Damme playing a giant game of chess in Morro Bay
• World's largest rectal thermometer
• B changing a diaper
• A "To-Do" list where the first thing listed is "Create To-Do List"

Good luck out there kids. Remember, your happiness at the wedding depends on your successful completion of this task.

What's In It For Me?

We've established that I am self-centered, right? And while I love a good wedding, I can always use some incentive to go. Sure, I may have been tapped as a groomsdude and I guess I have some responsibilities associated with the title, but maybe I need a little more.

Plenty of weddings like to leave you with a little memento of the occasion. Something that you can take home, put on your counter, and then throw away about 4 weeks later when you finally get around to cleaning that part of the house. Maybe it is that old candy that was left on the table where you sat. Perhaps it is a small thing of bubbles to blow on the couple as they leave the church instead of rice, which I hear makes birds explode.

(No birds were harmed in the posting of this blog). Or maybe it is a nice poem, or a mix tape.

In this age of busy schedules, instant gratification, Facebook, Obama, and Chilean miners, what do the wedding-goers of today want to take home? How about an iPod Touch?

I know that is a wedding I would attend. Yes, they can be pricey. How about something that really represents the Central Coast? Yup, Mo's BBQ Sauce. We can relive every moment while sucking down pieces of pork that have been slow cooked over a fire.

Or just be classy and leave some Benjamins on the table for everyone. I can stuff my wallet full of 'em.

Really I am suggesting that you bribe us. Don't worry, I'll be happy to attend your wedding regardless of what you do for us. But I don't know about the rest of them. But this could help.