We're Back (Again) *OR* You're Gonna Need Some Bleach

It's been about two years since we last tried to update the ol' Downward Spiral blog. Does this mean that we ran out of ideas? Possibly. But it mostly means that we actually forgot about this and just assumed the monkeys would keep writing. Damn monkeys didn't produce a darn thing. Sometimes you can't find any good help.

So why come back? Well, if the Axl Rose and Slash can make up, so can we. Granted, we weren't upset at the blog, but it seemed like a good reference. And by now, shouldn't Axl give up on the ratty long hair? Sure, Slash has his signature look, but Axl. come on. It's 2015, not 1985. Let's update that look.

I'll bet you are wondering what has been going on with the Bovines & Incendiaries group. Well, I'll tell you. Um, not much. I think since last time we have added another baby and a dog. That's really about it.

And thus concludes blog updates for 2015. Thanks for taking the time to check out pictures of monkeys and Axl. No real Vanilla Ice updates or World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. Maybe next time.

We Interrupt This Blog For An Important Announcement!

YES!!!!! This exists! If you go to www.lightslightsbaby.com you will see the next step in home lighting design...lights by America's hero: Vanilla Ice. Well, maybe not America's hero, but certainly the hero of Downward Brent Lee.

Check back soon for a relevant blog entry.

Wedding Round Up *OR* I Thought This Blog Was Dead

It turns out I just can't stop, I've missed you all so much my faithful readers. When you do something for two years, you just can let it go. Plus, enough time has passed that I can give you my exclusive insider review of the spectacle known as the Brent Lee- Corrin Clark wedding.

My little family arrived in Paso Robles on Friday afternoon so that I could partake in the rehearsal and accompanying dinner. It goes without saying that the groomsdudes nailed it on the first go and needed no further practice. Paul behaved well enough to qualify himself for dinner, which is all he really cared about.

You may ask yourself why I was wearing a necklace. I am now asking that question too. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Since we all behaved well enough we went to dinner. The waitstaff seemed a bit perplexed with the idea of taking drink orders as random beverages appeared at various times in sundry locations. You never really knew what you were going to get. Food was served and people ate. My son was happy that there was bread.

 After dinner I have no idea where the bridesmaids went, and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. Especially since I think some "special" brownies were involved. The gents retired up to Paul's balcony and sat in the hot tub.

We're always a bundle of energy. We basically just told B that he was pretty hosed since he was getting married. Typical "scare-the-crap-out-of-the-groom-the-night-before-the-wedding" shtick. Oh and it started raining. A lot. And it was freaking cold. This outdoor wedding thing just wasn't going to happen.

The next morning brought about a lot of crummy weather. Greg and I ended up running some errands in B's truck and even went to his house. The temptation to mess up the house was great. We may or may not have done anything to the house. Antoinette would not believe us either way.

While the bridesmaids spent the entire day getting ready, the guys got ready in about 15 minutes. And then we looked like this:

Corrin told us we were not to look directly at anything, hence us looking off into the distance. Oh, and hey, remember when I told you that I had some things to spruce up our otherwise boring tuxedos? Can you say green socks? Oh yeah!

It was St. Patrick's day and it just made sense. You will also note that someone is not wearing the same type of shoes as everyone else. Paul deemed himself too precious to wear the other shoes. Thanks a lot Paul.

The wedding ended up indoors due to the rain.

Oh, I suppose I should talk about the bride and her gown. But, since I am a guy, I can't really tell you all that much. She looked lovely and seemed excited to marry B. Well, as excited as anyone would be to marry B. Sorry, that was kind of mean.

And then the reception hit and we were ready.

Yup, just four married guys hanging out in a hotel ballroom lobby while wearing tuxedos. Not married to each other mind you. Married to women. Different women. Ah, nevermind.

People were introduced. Food was eaten. People gave toasts. I introduced the newest iPhone. Oh wait, I gave a toast and yes, I did mention Vanilla Ice!

Paul sang a soul song and really got into it.

Greg, on the other hand, didn't say a word, just simply struck modeling poses. It was very effective.

And then there was dancing. Did I mention we didn't stop at the socks? Yup, there were headbands too. Don't say we don't know how to party, or accessorize.

What was weird is that B spent most of his time not dancing with his bride, but with this guy.

Not the cutest couple, but to each their own.

And sure, there were traditions. But I think they forgot other people were watching.

I did learn that Corrin knows how to boogie!

And she is a good sport. After the evening was essentially over, some of us retired back to Paul's room.

Be careful, or you might face the world's least intimidating gang.

All in all, a great time was had by all. Everything was well done and everyone had a great time celebrating B & Corrin. Congrats to the two of you.

Ok, now seriously, that is it. The blog is over. I'm done. This is unless, of course, we end up in Vegas in January. But don't hold your breath.

Home Stretch *OR* Best Wedding Gift Ever

We're just over a week away until B and Corrin finally get married and I get to put this poor blog to bed. I think we can all breath a sigh of relief over that one. But hey, over 7,000 page views and multiple references to Vanilla Ice later, I think we've created something that will stand the test of time. This is, of course, assuming that time only lasts about 3 more weeks.

I teased in the last post about the awesome wedding gift I got for B and Corrin. Thanks to some mix up with the Postal Service (and you wonder why they are bankrupt), the original never got there. So an online chat with Amazon.com later and a delivery via UPS, I can now finally reveal the best wedding present ever. I know you think that you can top it by searching for something of their registry, but you would be wrong. I have given B the gift that will simply keep on giving. He even said we could have it at the wedding. Yes, I got a copy of Vanilla Ice's movie "Cool As Ice."

Note how it says he is starring in his first motion picture. Did he make another? Oh, and no, I did not get the VHS, I got the re-release on DVD. I have shared this scene of the blog before, but it can stand a repeat.



This is solid all around. As far as I can tell there is a lot of staring off and talking to one's self while riding a motorcycle. I am sure that B will fill us in as time goes on.

In other news, I have picked up my tuxedo already. I don't want to spoil all the details since I will be looking *so fresh and so fine*, but there is some green in it.

And yes, while in a tuxedo, I do make that face and strike that pose all the time. Aren't you all lucky to be there to witness that? I did note that the tuxedo came with pants that were not my jeans. B, am I really supposed to wear some other guy's pants? Ugh.

Just a week left! Let's get this show on the road, I'm a busy man. Actually, this is oddly true, but I won't bore you with the details. I will be hearing some Vanilla Ice at the wedding, right? Otherwise, he is going to upset that he came out to the wedding and didn't hear any of his songs. Drat, I think I just ruined the surprise.

Turn It Up, It's Freedom Rock *OR* I Remember This Song, It Stinks!

Greetings from 2012. I'll bet your New Year's resolution was to read this blog more often and maybe even contribute an article. Let's make that happen, shall we?

With 2012 here we are in the wedding year of B and Corrin (also known as Radio). It's finally here and in a few short months I can abandon this blog and send it to the graveyard or have a funeral pyre.

You bring the marshmallows and I'll bring the gasoline.

Also with 2012 comes B's bachelor party. We've teased a bunch about activities and locations for this little event (keyword: little). As B knows, since he is making the reservations, we are headed off to Loss Vay Gus (that's Las Vegas to those outside of the know). Yes, Sin City. What better place for a Mormon guy like myself than a city that prides itself on sin and doing things that I can't do? Can you believe I've gone this entire blog without mentioning the Mormon thing? I can.

In anticipation of this event, I put together a little CD for B and the other groomsdudes and sent it off. This has all of your party rock favorites, some classics from our earlier days, and a few songs about Loss Vay Gus. It is such a good mix that I have good news for Radio: you don't need a DJ. Just put this CD on (or use the playlist) and let the evening roll on. It's got such hits as "Viva Las Vegas" from Elvis.



Oh sure, this isn't the Elvis version, but this may be better.

And then for the entrepanuer in all of us, there's the Reverend Horton Heat's "Bales Of Cocaine."



Classic song. Then there is a song that Greg and I used to try to sing, but I can't hit those high notes at all: Prince's "Kiss."


(I don't want to get sued by the sign formally known as Prince)

And then what Brent Lee event would be complete without some Vanilla Ice? It would be nothing, that's what. So of course, we had to include:



By the way, you know you're a badass when you spraypaint in neon colors.

Now that there is a soundtrack for our trip, we need to find some things to do. Sadly, I can't tell you now because it would spoil the surprise for B. I can give you two hints:
1. It start's with "T"
2. It rhymes with "Blunder from Down Under"

With a soundtrack like that, four guys like us, and a chance of seeing some of Australia's finest export it is sure to be an unforgettable weekend. Sorry B.

Last Post Of 2011 *OR* Why Change When I'm Perfect?

You didn't think I could let 2011 slip by without one more blog post, did you? I know that this blog has gone from multiple postings in a week to maybe 2 a month, but such is the life of a lonely blogger. I bet you can picture it now, surrounded by empty bags of potato chips listening to endless dance music in a poorly lit room surrounded by banks of computers and researchers bringing me facts and Red Bull.

Luckily for everyone, you would be wrong. I have a tiny alcove in a living room and I drink water. So there!

With the end of 2011, it comes time to make resolutions for the new year. Ways in which we can improve ourselves and not repeat the failures of past years. Yet, as I look back I realize that I'm perfect. I have been groomed well (in both senses of the word), I'm an intelligent fellow, I can use the word fellow without it seeming pompous, and there is nothing about me that needs changing. Full of myself you ask? Nope, just confident that I do not need to change.

Since I don't need any modification, let's move on to the happy couple, shall we? And as we all know that women know everything and don't need to change (um, yeah....), let's focus on B. So here is a list of resolutions that I have compiled for B for 2012.

• Stop licking envelopes for fun. The danger of a papercut is simply too much.
• Be sure to send more cash to my groomsdudes. $250/week should do it.
• Learn to embrace the idea that dinner does not need to be eaten at 4:30pm. 
• Triplets! B is going to father triplets in 2012. Need I remind you of their names? Abernathy, Bernard, and Carl.
• Help Vanilla Ice reclaim his star status. Encourage him to get a morning talk show. Show the happy side of Mr. Ice.
• Stop being afraid of cities larger than 5,000 people. Los Angeles is a fine place to visit.
• Let the subscription to Oprah's magazine not get renewed. Move on to Rachel Ray.
• Stop crying at the end of "Wall-E."
• Eat more shrimp.
• Wear more Ed Hardy.
• Dance like no one is watching. But know that we are.
• Grow a cool firefighter/80's porn star mustache.
• Start calling Corrin by her pet name: "Batgirl."
• Did he write those checks to his groomsdudes yet? A wire transfer will be fine.
• Listen to a little less Celine Dion and move on to Enya or John Tesh.

This is a good start for 2011. There may be more, but at the rate I blog, I doubt it. See you in 78 days!

My Super Sweet Wedding *OR* Is That Local Music Sensation Vanilla Ice?

I know I am bit behind the times on this one, I mean, this show was on at least a year and a half ago, but I assume you have seen or at least heard of the MTV program "My Super Sweet Sixteen." Granted, we could argue the actual benefits of MTV playing music videos, but this isn't Rolling Stone (another of a dying breed?). I will just say that I do remember them playing videos, so much that my dad enjoyed watching it and couldn't wait to see a Thomas Dolby video.



But the point here is that these teens felt the need to throw these oddly lavish parties and show their "friends" how spoiled they were and how they could complain that daddy only bought them the base model Aston Martin and not the one James Bond drives.

But my favorite part is how everyone lines up and guesses about who the big performer at the party is going to be. Maybe it will be Jay-Z, maybe it's Green Day, maybe it's Tony Orlando. And then of course, the performer is announced and it is some third-rate rapper with a mix-tape who lives in his mother's basement and has made some gold chains with a bunch of spray paint.

B and Corrin can do better. They can get some A-level entertainment from beyond the Central Coast of California. I think we need to start talking to our hero over here at Downward Brent Lee, Vanilla Ice!

We might even be able to get a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but I hear their schedules are pretty busy with kid's birthday parties.



If this is all it takes to be a back-up dancer, I think I have found a new career!

Yes, I think we need some big name entertainment at this wedding, something to really make it stand out. Since I assume that no one's daddy is going to buying them a new BMW, this is the next best thing. I'll have the home office here give Mr. Ice a call. You can thank me later. "Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!"

Buy Me This *OR* Building Your Registry

A side note before we begin: I have my iTunes on shuffle and what has come up? If you guessed "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba you would be correct. If you guessed anything else, you would be completely wrong. Luckily for you, I prefer this version done by They Might Be Giants as part of the AV Club.




This song is still going. We get it already, you get knocked down by you get up again. Enough already. Phew, it is over, and now I've got some folk troubadour Tim Easton.

We all love getting free things. The funny thing about the wedding though is that you have to pay to have us eat your food and drink your drink and all you get back is a toaster and maybe some towels. But creating that registry can be a point of contention for any couple. Maybe one of you wants a completely pink patterned room and the other person can't stand pink patterns.

You're just hosed, forget about the whole thing and move on. OK, maybe not, but this is a time to practice compromise. Sure, you can go crazy and register for anything with a bar code (I'm looking at you DVD of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians..and yes, I have actually seen this movie).

And then you have to ask the important questions. Have I lived without that $400 trash can? Have I seen that $15 version at Target work just fine? Tough call. That could be $385 that someone else spends on my kitschy Vanilla Ice needs.

I'll admit though, that bar code guns lets you wield some odd power. I can choose anything in this store, from gum to guns and someone might buy it for me.

This couple is registering in the Mop N' Glo section.

The danger here is that you may get all the gum you can chew, but none of the stuff you actually need (sheets, towels, Elvis toasters). Just go the gift card route. Heck, my brother-in-law just moved last month and found wedding gift cards from 8 years ago. And we're not talking about cards to Dusty's Rusty Tack Shack, no, these are legit stores.

I can guarantee one thing though: you will argue while you register. It happens all the time. Guy wants cinder block and girl wants pink and fluffy. Enjoy those conversations, you'll regret the compromise you make later.

Hey, this post is great, check out the random tags for today!

And for those who care, I am now listening to The Shangri-Las song "Remember (Walking In The Sand)"

I'm In *AND* I'm Feeling Slighted

I'm in! I received my save-the-date magnet, no going back now. They had their chance to not invite me, but they blew it. SUCKERS! Now I will be there in all my blogging glory, hogging the limelight and embarrassing B at every turn. I've made it to the most exclusive party of the spring. Sorry Puff Daddy.

However, I will admit I am bit sad. Sure, I was invited. Sure, I got the commemorative magnet. Sure, I have to stand somewhere during the ceremony. But my poor little blog is conspicuously missing from the save-the-date. Yes, their little wedding website is listed, but there is no mention of this blog. I've worked long and hard on this thing and this is the thanks I get? After 109 posts (in less than a year, mind you) and over 4,000 page views and 28 mentions of Vanilla Ice, this life-altering blog gets no mention. It hurts. You put your heart and soul into something and this is the way you are repaid? There had better be a bunch of filet mignon for me when I get to that wedding.

Do you know what hurts the most? They didn't use my pictures! How could you not use these? They really give you a sense of the love between B and Corrin. It also frames their youth and innocence. A big loss if you ask me.

Luckily for them, I am a big man. I'll get over it somehow. I'll be there in my groomsdude ensemble trying not to outshine everyone else there. I guess just being invited is a triumph unto itself.

Another Horrible Photoshop Gone Wrong

We have seen B as Vanilla Ice:

So we needed to create one for Corrin. How about Corrin as Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes from TLC? I think so.

You can thank me later.

199 Days Left *OR* A Wedding To-Do List

We're nearing the home stretch here folks on this wedding and the merciful ending of this blog. Have you ever tried to write a wedding themed blog for over a year all while trying to keep the content fresh? Call me when you figure that one out Mr. Smarty-Pants. I can't imagine anyone will miss the blog, in fact, I may end it much like a Mission: Impossible task where it may self-destruct in a few hours. Once I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know, but you may want to stand back.

Okay young people, before Tom Cruise did Mission: Impossible there was a t.v. show and the messages would self-destruct. This is a picture of said action.

Only 199 days left until we get Radio (my nickname for B and Corrin) hitched and on their way to wedded bliss. And then only 200 days until they realize that wedded bliss is merely a cover story for "discussions" over who is doing the dishes...but I digress.

Any organized couple. ok, let's be honest, any organized bride will have her to-do list. So to help out Corrin, I have come up with her to-do list. This will keep her on schedule and make her life so much easier.

1. Make To-Do List (see, already done, you can cross this bad boy off!)
2. Add to To-Do List (another one down. This is easy.)
3. Review To-Do List (so far, so good)
4. Do To-Do List (hmm, I think we got that one done too. You're welcome).

Okay, that was easier than expected. Gheesh, people think these lists are so difficult. I just knocked that bad boy out in about 30 seconds and now I have time to watch Top Gear. First I think I will enjoy this Beatles song that came up on my iTunes; When I'm Sixty-Four off of their Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album.

This is a great album, a seminal album really. It influenced the Beach Boys to make Pet Sounds, which is another great album. Seriously, the Beatles really raised the bar here. You compare these songs to what they were doing on Meet The Beatles and it doesn't even compare.

Ugh, off topic again eh? Um, okay, you should play this full album at the wedding. It may confuse some, but the older folks and those that appreciate music will enjoy the wedding all the more. So play this album and show this picture of B and all will be good:

You Like Me, You Really Like Me *OR* How To Be Gracious

I had lunch with some friends the other day and the topic of this delightful blog came up. I know what you are thinking, and no, I did not bring it up (I don't think). It was brought to my attention that this blog is the single greatest thing known to mankind and had surpassed the picture of Brent Lee's head on Vanilla Ice's body to get there. Who am I to argue this fact? It was also brought to my attention that we hardly talk about the wedding anymore. Well, Antoinette, that might change in this post. Oh sure, we're off to a bad start. But I have mentioned the groom and the fact that there is a wedding, so I think we're on the right track.

Some people relish time in the spotlight, when all eyes are focused on them and a crowd is captivated simply by who they are or what they are doing. Other people wish that people would stop looking at them and just leave them alone. We're not here to talk about which one I am (the answer might actually surprise you).

As it will be your wedding day B and Corrin (or Radio as I have called them- check an earlier post for why), those people will be staring at you. Now, I know for a fact that half of Radio (B in particular) does not care for much attention. Granted, this doesn't explain why I have seen him run around in a thong (let's just say there was alcohol involved, but I won't say more than that- sorry B). Typically B would prefer to be a wallflower, which is one of the reasons this blog is so freakin' funny, and so is the Twitter feed. In a moment of reflection, I may have to take that all back. B is the guy, who in 7th grade, broke out the Roger Rabbit at a junior high dance. Remember folks, junior high dances were all about how far into the wall you could push your back.

Now, I haven't known Corrin all that long, but I sense that she enjoys a little spotlight here and there. It's a good thing too, because as my wife and I have proved, you can't have two wallflowers.

Of course, this will be magnified at the wedding, as all eyes are on the bride. Every little thing she does, every move she makes.
Person 1: "Did she just wink at someone? Can you DO that at your wedding?"
Person 2: "Relax, I think it was her sister."
Person 1:"Oh, but I think she just hit her new husband."
Person 2:"No, she was wiping salad dressing off his face. Calm down."
Person 1:"I'll try. Wait, she just stopped holding his hand."
Person 2:"OK, knock it off, he is about to do the Roger Rabbit."
Person 1:"Ooooh, I've heard things about his Roger Rabbit."

All those eyes can make you a bit paranoid. Don't let it get to you. Just keep on keeping on. Half of those people won't remember what on earth you did that night. Have fun and tip your waiter. And tip your blog writers too. They have families and huge overheads. Do you know how expensive it is to maintain a free website?

Smile, You're On Candid Camera *OR* More Pranks

Last time we threw out some ideas for some basic pranks that one could pull at the wedding. I think we should kick it up a notch and put out some other ideas.

During the ceremony, nothing says funny like some firecrackers going off right behind the groom. This way you can get him lodging at the hospital for his wedding night. A bit dangerous, but oh, very funny.

Don't worry, we won't do that one.

Or, we could hide your car. On a bluff. Overlooking Fresno. And once you do find the car, you will note that a family of rats have moved in and called dibs on pretty much everything. Including your Vanilla Ice cds. Don't those rats have any decency?

Or, there is the classic remove all the labels from the cans and bottles and place those cans and bottles in the bathrooms.

I couldn't find the picture I wanted.

But we could just gussy (points for using "gussy") up your place and do a little light decoration. Like keeping your bed fresh in tin foil.

Maybe a little snack upon your return from your honeymoon. A room full of popcorn sounds pretty tasty to me.

And don't worry, while you are away, we will keep your cars nice and fresh too.

Now, this is just a sample of some of the things that could/might happen. I'm not saying any of them will happen and I'm not saying none of them will happen. Maybe something different, maybe not. There is a reason that this blog is coming about 11 months away, so you will forget. Sleep well!

How Dare You *OR* You Can't Say That

To help the casual wedding goer, I am putting together a list of faux pas that should be avoided at any wedding. This will most likely be a two-parter blog entry (like you really care). And since I just write these things without any editing, we'll see where it goes and if we even need a second posting. Can't you tell the production values here are just top notch? I'm like the California budget, I exist, people are worried, but nobody wants to do anything about. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan's career! HA!

So here are some topics and words that you should avoid during the wedding of B and Corrin. Some may be taboo topics and some might just rile the feathers of certain wedding party members (I'm talking about Paul here, he is very sensitive).

• Spooge. This goes without saying. You just can't talk about spooge at a wedding. Gross.
• Gentleman's juice/ gentleman's sausage. See the reasoning above.
• Baby batter. While amusing, it lacks tact. Seriously people, class it up.
• Previous past girlfriends/boyfriends. However, you may bring up Tasha Pounders and Melissa whatever-her-last-name was. I know I do.
• Cows. I think this one speaks for itself.
• Paul's fascination with sheep. We simply can't tackle this love in one wedding.
• This blog. Shh, it is a secret and only 1,600 people seem to know about it. Let's let it be a surprise for B and Corrin.
• Filet-o-Fish from McDonald's. Only bring this up if you want to see Greg and myself get ill. Quickly.
• The Dodgers. Actually, we'll still be in spring training, so we can chat about this if you like.
• The triplets of Abernathy, Bernard and Carl. B seems to be a little touchy about this one.
• Vanilla Ice. I think there may be some trademark infringement about to happen.
• Oprah. I don't like her and neither should you. Simple as that.
• Nuclear holocaust. This is just a downer, why would you bring this up at a wedding?
• States that end in "ucky." I bet you are trying to think of how many states fit that bill. The answer is one. Good work there Carmen San Diego!
• My good looks. I don't want to overshadow B on his wedding day. But to give you a hint, this is typically how I look at weddings:

I LOVE weddings! Don't try to contain my excitement.

• Celine Dion. French-Canadian. Need I say more?
• Don't mention how much cooler this wedding would be if there were fire-throwers.
• Cheese.
• Charlie Sheen's downward spiral of shame and destruction. Granted, he may hit rehab by the time we reach the wedding. Or he may die. Only time will tell. I won't tell you which box I have in my office pool. Granted, it might help if I had an office...ok, off topic there.
• Rebecca Black's awesome music. I hold this dear to my heart and yet people seem to make fun of it. Like this one:

Ok, I think that covers things you shouldn't talk about at the wedding. Next we'll cover what you shouldn't DO at the wedding. I would keep an eye on Paul and Greg. I sense trouble brewing. And don't point your fingers at me, I'm innocent.

You will now note that you can "React" to the blog by checking boxes below. Knock yourself out.