Somebody's Due For Prison *OR* How To Have A Memorable Bachelor Party

Greg and I were having dinner and watching Top Gear last night, I know, surprise surprise. Oh, we ate some smoked ribs and potatoes. You know two guys are cooking when nothing green makes it on the plate.

After Top Gear was over (great episode by the way), we continued our months-long conversation about B's upcoming bachelor party. I don't want to give too much away, but B thinks we are headed to Vegas. I hope he is not tied to that idea, because we have some actual other ideas. However, we both agreed that somebody is due for prison. Let me repeat that, because it is important, SOMEBODY IS DUE FOR PRISON. Why, you ask? Why not? We've avoided it as a group for years. You would think that in the nearly 20 years we have known each other that somehow, one of us would have landed in jail, even just a quick hold, with some of the things we have done. I can't go into the specifics because I have no idea what the statute of limitations is in 5 states and a couple of other countries.

Both B and Paul are employed and have a nice little steady income. While Greg and I have "incomes," I wouldn't call it steady (pimpin' ain't easy). What better way to get some free food and lodging than by getting yourself tossed in the slammer? Just ask my friend Lindsay!

B can spend a few nights in the clink and the rest of us can enjoy whatever bachelor party we were going to throw. It is brilliant really and I wish we had thought of it earlier. And think of the stories that B can tell from his time behind bars! Bubba and his friends are waiting to meet you, B.

While we might miss B for about 4 minutes, I think the feeling would pass. I think it would also humble the groom-elect. You know they call marriage a jail sentence, well, now he would really know the meaning. Brilliant as always Mr. Kathol. Another problem solved.

How Dare You *OR* You Can't Say That

To help the casual wedding goer, I am putting together a list of faux pas that should be avoided at any wedding. This will most likely be a two-parter blog entry (like you really care). And since I just write these things without any editing, we'll see where it goes and if we even need a second posting. Can't you tell the production values here are just top notch? I'm like the California budget, I exist, people are worried, but nobody wants to do anything about. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan's career! HA!

So here are some topics and words that you should avoid during the wedding of B and Corrin. Some may be taboo topics and some might just rile the feathers of certain wedding party members (I'm talking about Paul here, he is very sensitive).

• Spooge. This goes without saying. You just can't talk about spooge at a wedding. Gross.
• Gentleman's juice/ gentleman's sausage. See the reasoning above.
• Baby batter. While amusing, it lacks tact. Seriously people, class it up.
• Previous past girlfriends/boyfriends. However, you may bring up Tasha Pounders and Melissa whatever-her-last-name was. I know I do.
• Cows. I think this one speaks for itself.
• Paul's fascination with sheep. We simply can't tackle this love in one wedding.
• This blog. Shh, it is a secret and only 1,600 people seem to know about it. Let's let it be a surprise for B and Corrin.
• Filet-o-Fish from McDonald's. Only bring this up if you want to see Greg and myself get ill. Quickly.
• The Dodgers. Actually, we'll still be in spring training, so we can chat about this if you like.
• The triplets of Abernathy, Bernard and Carl. B seems to be a little touchy about this one.
• Vanilla Ice. I think there may be some trademark infringement about to happen.
• Oprah. I don't like her and neither should you. Simple as that.
• Nuclear holocaust. This is just a downer, why would you bring this up at a wedding?
• States that end in "ucky." I bet you are trying to think of how many states fit that bill. The answer is one. Good work there Carmen San Diego!
• My good looks. I don't want to overshadow B on his wedding day. But to give you a hint, this is typically how I look at weddings:

I LOVE weddings! Don't try to contain my excitement.

• Celine Dion. French-Canadian. Need I say more?
• Don't mention how much cooler this wedding would be if there were fire-throwers.
• Cheese.
• Charlie Sheen's downward spiral of shame and destruction. Granted, he may hit rehab by the time we reach the wedding. Or he may die. Only time will tell. I won't tell you which box I have in my office pool. Granted, it might help if I had an office...ok, off topic there.
• Rebecca Black's awesome music. I hold this dear to my heart and yet people seem to make fun of it. Like this one:

Ok, I think that covers things you shouldn't talk about at the wedding. Next we'll cover what you shouldn't DO at the wedding. I would keep an eye on Paul and Greg. I sense trouble brewing. And don't point your fingers at me, I'm innocent.

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