Sure, Why Not? *OR* Writing Vows

All the cool kids write their own vows. I'll just put that out there and see if it sticks. Needless to say, but I did not write my own vows. Granted, my church does do things a bit differently, but I don't think that changes things.

As a public service to B, I am going to help him out here and write part of his vows.  So B, pay attention, just copy and paste and you will be golden.

"Corrin, I met you X amount of months ago [insert the number instead of X] and my life changed. Some might say for the better [wait for laughter]. I am a pretty quiet guy and my driving skills may be questionable, but I knew at that time, that I wanted to continue to date you. My friends pushed me along, and to be honest, I was tired of hearing their garbage. Of course, once they found out I had found someone, they gave me endless crap, as they tend to do. [Turn to groomsdudes] Hey you guys, pay attention, I'm talking about you here. Quite giving me crap [wait for unified response of "no"]. [Turn back to Corrin] Corrin, you have done wonders for me. I actually get out of my house and enjoy the company of others. I have known for a long time that you would be my wife and that we start a beautiful life together [wait for collective "ahhh" from bridesmaids]. I am happy that day has finally arrived and that it happens to coincide with St. Patrick's Day. I look pretty dapper in green [snap suspenders].You've expanded my world, I now stay in one more hotel in Vegas than I normally would. So, to the rest of our life and our three triplets en route [turn to crowd] NO! That is not an announcement, just a future goal [turn back to Corrin]. Yes, the triplets, and especially little Carl. I love you and am excited to spend the rest of my life with you as husband and wife. [do Irish jig]."

Ultimate Bachelor Party *OR* Excuse Me Sir, I Think You Left Out Something

I am listening to Snow's 1992 hit, Informer. Ah, white Canadian Rasta Rap, where did you go?

Ok, onto the post. We here at Downward Brent Lee have been trying to think of the best bachelor party that we can host for B. Vegas is played out. We're not really much for going to clubs, a la Jersey Shore, and Atlantic City just isn't our cup of tea. Have you ever been to Atlantic City? It is like a poor man's Reno without the class.

So what do four guys in their 30's do for a bachelor party? How do we recapture the energy that we once had in high school? Simple, we rob a bank.

I'll let that sit in for minute..................................................................Yes, we're going to rob a bank. It isn't for the money, in fact, I think we would give it back (although Paul does have sticky fingers). The whole point is the rush of the act. Going up to the teller and politely telling them that we need all the money since we will be robbing them. We won't have guns, maybe just some butter knives or something, we don't want to hurt anyone. We get some duffel bags filled up and we nonchalantly walk out the door carrying thousands of dollars.

Here comes the best part though: the getaway. We will have rented some really cool, really fast cars in which to make our getaway. I might just choose a Camaro for nostalgia's sake.

I know Greg would pick something subtle, like a Ferrari.

My guess is Paul would try to blend in and drive something familiar, like a fire truck. Genius Paul, who would ever think to check the fire truck? Bravo!

B on the other hand would miss the point entirely and pick something, well, worthless. Like this Le Car.

While three of us would make it after an awesome car chase, B will have been thrown in jail and just might miss his wedding day. Sorry Corrin, but if your fiance made a better choice in vehicles, this would not have happened.

I, for one, am looking forward to us robbing a bank. I think it will get the adrenaline pumping, just what you need. And really, who else has done a bank robbery bachelor party? No one! Another Downward Brent Lee first!

(note to any law enforcement: this is a complete joke. I, nor anyone mentioned in this blog, has any intention of robbing a bank. None of us has ever been arrested nor intends to be. If you doubt that, take a look at the rest of this blog, all very tongue in cheek.)

Running Out Of Topics *OR* Blogging Is Hard

Writer's block. I'm not referring to the album by Peter, Bjorn and John (which is a good album), but the idea that sometimes writers just run out of ideas. Tragic really. Here I am, a guy with a mind full of ideas trying to keep this meager little blog running. Simply trying to provide advice for B and Corrin as their wedding date inches closer. Let's be honest, this blogging thing can be difficult, especially when dealing with a finite topic such as a specific wedding. You just can't sit down at the keyboard each time and wait for inspiration to strike, sometimes you have to make inspiration just...hit you...in the face.

So I present to you, my muse, my inspiration...Pepsi!

I bet you thought I would say my son, or my wife. Nope, I prefer to keep my allegiance to a certain carbonated beverage. While my son is pretty awesome and a cute little guy, how can he hold up to the blue can?

You know what? Forget it, how can I resist that face? He's just so cute. Look, he barely has a wrist, it is just a line of baby fat. How can you compete Pepsi? Yup, I didn't think you could.

Ok, so we've established that my son is my inspiration. What has he done for me lately? Hmm, check back this week to find out.

This has been another cop-out post brought to you by the fine folks at Downward Brent Lee. Don't forget to follow us on Twitter @DownwardBLee.

Valentine's Day: The Aftermath

This may come as a surprise to you, but I don't really care much for Hallmark Holidays. Mostly I am talking about Valentine's Day and Secretary's Day. Since I don't have a secretary, we'll just focus on Valentine's Day. I had the chance this year to work as a substitute teacher for 6th graders on Valentine's Day. Ugh, what a mess that was. Kids already wired on sugar and the prospect of telling their imagined crush how they feel. Then you have to wrangle them into a classroom to habla espanol. It goes without saying that telling kids to stop doing lines of Pixy Stix sugar on the table gets a bit tiring.

Then there are the pepto bismol hearts that you share with catchy phrases like "Be Mine" or "U R Cute." I think for adults doing the bar thing there should be "These Beer Goggles Really Work" or "You Might Look Like A Vulture In Daylight" or "Desperate And Easy And Full Of Crabs." Do you think we can get those onto some hearts?

Of course, you could do the heart shaped box of mystery chocolates that are probably left over from last year. Or you could go traditional and do the roses thing, along with every other guy out there (me and my son included).

Keep in mind that my first Valentine's Day as a married guy was spent moving boxes to my new apartment using a sketchy Chevy Astro Van.

The romance didn't end there. Oh no, afterwards we went to Souplantation. With my in-laws. Now, I have nothing against my in-laws, they are great people. But usually you don't think of your first Valentine's Day digging out boxes from an Astro Van and then enjoying an all-you-can eat salad buffet.

So enjoy those Valentine's Days while they are still special to you. And don't get me wrong, my wife and I always do something around Valentine's Day, but we try to avoid the hype and the craziness of that day exactly. I'll love her on my time, thank you very much.

Another Theme Wedding *OR* It Must Be So Cool To Bring Back Your Childhood

I will admit that I can be a sucker for nostalgia. Maybe I grew up too quick or maybe the toys of my childhood were just so cool, but retro seems to be sticking around. Take a look on eBay and hunt down your old toys and see the ridiculous prices that they are going for. Yup, bet you wish you had never taken out that M.A.S.K. toy out of its package.

I remember getting this for my birthday.

The great thing about our childhood toys is that our parents remember us nagging them for them and our joy at receiving them. So how can we incorporate this into the wedding of the year? You think I was going to leave you hanging here? Naw, let's have a theme wedding. And the theme will be He-Man!

Don't act like you aren't excited. B will be Prince Adam, who, by the power of Grayskull, turns into He-Man, the Defender of the Universe.

Granted, you run into the typical Superman issue:
"Doesn't Prince Adam look a like lot He-Man?"
"No, Prince Adam wears a shirt. He-Man wears fuzzy underwear and Ugg boots."

Now, I have absolutely no desire to see B wearing a fuzzy thong, Ugg boots, a bandoleer, along with a sword and page boy haircut, but I think it is the story here that is important. B could come riding in on  Cringer who would turn into Battle Cat. Really, does it get more romantic than that? Of course it does, Corrin gets to be Teela, who tries to teach Prince Adam so skills. Corrin will have to wear some Roman inspired short dress with some mighty tall boots while her hair flows in the wind. This is all accented by a red cape rippling behind her. I will play Ram-Man, who, for whatever reason, is wearing a tank for a hat.

I don't know if you have watched any of the shows recently, but man, let me tell you about the gay undertones in the show. As if He-Man's outfit didn't scream West Hollywood, he owns a cat, lives in a castle and has a friend in some floating wizard.

There is a lot of room for creativity here. The wedding ensembles alone would be worth the price of admission. And evil Skeletor can give the bride away. Ah romance.

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Fly Me To The Moon, Part II

This really isn't a sequel to a previous post, but the title was too good to pass up as you will see.

Greg and I had the chance this past Monday night to watch the best show on television: Top Gear. Of course, we are talking about the British version. Yup, two unemployed dads sitting around the couch on a Monday night with sodas and cookies watching three middle-aged English chaps romp around in expensive cars. Sounds like a good Monday night to me.

We started to talk a bit more in detail about the potential bachelor party. We recognized that unlike previous bachelor parties, we've now got three married guys with kids and one guy who is engaged. This changes our plans a bit, because all the married guys want to do is get away for a little while and do nothing. So as we talked about some options, inspiration struck.

So B, I am excited to announce what will be happening for the bachelor party. This is breaking from tradition, since you visit Vegas too often anyways. We are going to go seperate ways for this bachelor party. Greg, Paul, and myself will end up in Santa Barbara or something like that, find some nice hotel rooms, watch some tv, eat dinner, and call it a weekend. You on the other hand are in for a treat.

Brent Lee, you're going to SPACE CAMP! You will be able to reach for the stars and hunt down E.T. while learning all about science. Yes, you will be spending six days with kids ages 12-14 while you all visit the stars. Spin around in this thing and see how long that spaghetti lunch stays with you:

Luckily you look so good in orange that you will right in. Nevermind the fact that you could be the father to half of these kids, they will accept you, braces and all. You can be their mentor and teach them all about puberty and girls. Let's be honest here, if some of these boys are going to space camp, they are going to need help with girls. And more importantly, I want to see you looking like this guy:

I hear you can also eat all the ice cream you can stand:

So while Greg, Paul, and myself enjoys views of the Pacific Ocean while sitting back and relaxing, you will be preparing for a fake space mission to the moon with fifteen of your new best friends. I think this sounds like a gear idea. Enjoy Space Camp B!

What Do You Mean? I Always Take Off Clothes With My Teeth.

There are so many traditions at a wedding reception. Often, your too perky for morning television DJ will hustle you into a variety of situations that you never wanted to be placed in in the first place.
"Let's all do the YMCA!"
"Gather round now and stuff money down the bride's dress."
"Come on over single ladies and fight over some airborne flowers."
"Okay guys, time to catch some women's clothing."

It is about this last 'tradition' that I wish to address you today. The garter, a vestige of women's clothing that has been long deemed unnecessary. Somehow tradition has told us that the new groom, after having been humiliated enough by dressing in someone else's clothes, must now get on his hands and knees, dive underneath his bride's dress, and remove the garter wrapped around her leg with only his teeth.

Oh sure, it sounds easy. That is, until you get to the shoes, then all hell breaks loose. I was never a bride, but I can't imagine that this is something she wants to be a part of either. Her new groom is getting to places he wasn't going to get until later that evening, and he is doing it in front of her father.

Let's take this example here:

First off, you have the groom who seems to wearing his bow-tie on his head. Of course, we all know ties go around your neck. Strike one dude. You have his groomsdudes surrounding him like a posse ready to strike in case there is an emergency. Yes, this is the kind of backup you want from your groomsdudes, but I think this is one battle the groom must fight himself.

Then you have the bride. Somehow she has ended up on the floor, her expensive white dress collecting the dust from the floor like when you play crab soccer on the gym floor. She has been knocked over and her who-ha is being showcased to the entire wedding party. And then there are the bridesmaids, cackling about her, not sure whether to laugh, cry, or call the police.

Why does the groom have to take it off with his teeth? Do you ever remove your own clothes with your teeth? Is this really a prerequisite for marriage?

This guy looks like he is going under the hood to check on an instant reply in football. Either that, or he is about to change her oil. This just gets weird.

May I suggest that we simply skip this entire ordeal and move on to the cake?

I've Been A Bit Lazy, So Sue Me...No, Wait, Don't Sue Me

I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but I got a little busy this week and haven't had time to keep up my furious blogging pace. Filling in for a 6th grade teacher can really take it out of you. I need a vacation from my seven days of work. That being the case, I think we should revisit the idea of taking the bachelor party out to Dubai.

Dubai has been on a tear recently and has been building like crazy. They know the oil isn't going to last forever so they are planning ahead and trying to get some tourism going.

Look at the growth in just 13 years, they even developed color! They have made the world's tallest building.

An indoor ski area:

And they are building the world:

They have dispersed their wealth...well, no, not really. Just the wealthy are doing well, like it should be. They've got some crazy hotels and crazier things to see. Granted, they do have Ferrari World.
There are some drawbacks though. Being an Islamic country, there are some restrictions. But if you have money, they have what you want. Heck, some of the hotels have a fleet of Rolls Royce's for their guests to be chauffeured around in. So all we have to do is get to the Mid-East where Americans are loved. We can leave B there to soak up the culture. A bit risky, sure, but how often do you get to hang out where they are crazy enough to build a ski slope in the middle of the desert? That's something not even Las Vegas has touched yet. Your move America!