Yo DJ, Spin Those Tunes *OR* If I Hear Any Miley Cyrus, I'm Walking

I am sure I have lamented the fact that so many weddings are so similar. There are only so many things you can do with a bride, a groom, a dance floor and some dried out convention hall chicken. I could be like Einstein here and make some amazing mathematical equation to get the generic wedding. Luckily, we here at Downward Brent Lee are not about generic weddings. Oh no, we seek out the unique, the unusual, the things that are going to stand out. Now, I admit that planning a wedding in the Central Coast of California opens up some beautiful locations, but does limit some of the other options. You try finding a good Elvis impersonator near Morro Bay. This ain't Vegas folks!

The same goes for DJs. You can't just walk on down to the Roxy (a notorious rock club in Los Angeles) and get some raw talent. No, you just have to ask around see whose iPod Micro has the most music.

I address the rest of this post to that "DJ" who will spinning the dope jams at B and Corrin's wedding. I am sure the couple has had some requests and for the most part, I will let those stand. But here are my requests:

• Shut up. No one is here to hear you ramble on about love, how cute the couple is, or how impressive it is to see Big Jim up there break dancing.
• You must play one Refreshments song. "Banditos" is my choice, but you have two albums to choose from, go wild.
• The crowd would like to hear at least one Vanilla Ice song. He is our personal hero.
• Bridesmaids are allowed to have one collective song. This song may be country. It may not be Shania Twain.
• If you try to scratch any records, I will scratch ALL of your records. Don't be a showoff.
• If you dare try to involve me in any shenanigans, I will cut you.
• If we must toss garters and flowers, you are not allowed any commentary. You are not Vin Scully.
• However, if the DJ is Vin Scully, no music will be played. I just want to hear stories.

• You are not allowed to play "Celebration", "YMCA", or "Baby Got Back."
• If you can find the "Mortal Kombat" soundtrack, you may play that in its entirity.
• Should you embarrass B's parents, I can assure you that you will be cut.
• I would encourage you to play the band Cake while the cake is being cut. It only seems right.
• Sappy Disney songs will get you cut as well.

Do I request a lot as a wedding guest? I don't think so. As we have established in previous posts, I am the life of the party and people are there to see me. I have been to enough weddings to know that there are plenty of things that I do not like. Should you, Mr. DJ break any one of these rules, I will...you guessed it...cut you.

*The author reserves the right to substitute "cut" with "shank" as he sees fit.