It's Cool, She's With Me *OR* Don't Be A Loser, Bring A Date

Are you aware there are 175 days left until I get to stop blogging, oh, and 'till B and Corrin (or Radio, as I have named them) are wedded? Some may be nervous about this, but boy am I excited about the prospect of letting this poor blog whiter away and die a glorious death. Can you burn a blog in a bonfire?

Moving on, for those of you who may be single, you might be dreading going off to a wedding to see your friends tie the knot and begin a life of quiet solitude and wishing they had really thought more about this whole marriage thing (kidding here folks, calm down). Let's be honest though, you are mostly dreading having to go to another wedding by yourself. Sure, no one to talk to, no one to gossip to about the bridesmaids selection of jewelry, no one to clink glasses with- it's really quite sad. As always, I am here to help and I have a few suggestions.

1. Quit cryin' chump!
2. Find another stag friend and take them. Make cute chitter-chatter the entire night.
3. Hurry up and find someone to date online.
4. Russian bride!
Or, my favorite idea...
5. Craigslist!

Yes, the home to free furniture, random tutoring jobs, and a way to find those lost connections is a great way to find a date. Now, I've never used the personals section of Craigslist, so let's try this together, shall we? And I am only doing this for research purposes for you, I will be taking my lovely wife to the wedding. Ok, so I am on the Craigslist for SLO, just to get into the mood. But again, for science I will click on "women seeking men" and....whoa...there are a lot of warnings here. Don't get AIDS, this person could kill you, well, that bodes confidence. Alright, I will take the risk, moving on...and this is the first ad I see:

I gotta sweet tooth...

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Date: 2011-09-22, 2:18PM PDT
Reply to:

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for chocolate! Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, mocha, honey, brown sugar, maple syrup.....you get the idea be at least aged 25, thick and rich (not money rich) and creamy :)
Im over 25, smooth, creamy french vanilla :) email me. I am serious! I love chocolate and need a fix! its hard to find around here :( 

Yikes!  BACK BACK BACK. This is just a bit too scary for me. Thank goodness I am already married. I have no idea what this woman is talking about. Is she one of those chocolate Easter bunnies? If so, how does she type? She doesn't have fingers! And what kind of rich is not money rich? I don't get this at all. Ok, nevermind here folks. Skip Craigslist, you're better off hanging out at the grocery store and just looking desperate.

Buy Me This *OR* Building Your Registry

A side note before we begin: I have my iTunes on shuffle and what has come up? If you guessed "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba you would be correct. If you guessed anything else, you would be completely wrong. Luckily for you, I prefer this version done by They Might Be Giants as part of the AV Club.




This song is still going. We get it already, you get knocked down by you get up again. Enough already. Phew, it is over, and now I've got some folk troubadour Tim Easton.

We all love getting free things. The funny thing about the wedding though is that you have to pay to have us eat your food and drink your drink and all you get back is a toaster and maybe some towels. But creating that registry can be a point of contention for any couple. Maybe one of you wants a completely pink patterned room and the other person can't stand pink patterns.

You're just hosed, forget about the whole thing and move on. OK, maybe not, but this is a time to practice compromise. Sure, you can go crazy and register for anything with a bar code (I'm looking at you DVD of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians..and yes, I have actually seen this movie).

And then you have to ask the important questions. Have I lived without that $400 trash can? Have I seen that $15 version at Target work just fine? Tough call. That could be $385 that someone else spends on my kitschy Vanilla Ice needs.

I'll admit though, that bar code guns lets you wield some odd power. I can choose anything in this store, from gum to guns and someone might buy it for me.

This couple is registering in the Mop N' Glo section.

The danger here is that you may get all the gum you can chew, but none of the stuff you actually need (sheets, towels, Elvis toasters). Just go the gift card route. Heck, my brother-in-law just moved last month and found wedding gift cards from 8 years ago. And we're not talking about cards to Dusty's Rusty Tack Shack, no, these are legit stores.

I can guarantee one thing though: you will argue while you register. It happens all the time. Guy wants cinder block and girl wants pink and fluffy. Enjoy those conversations, you'll regret the compromise you make later.

Hey, this post is great, check out the random tags for today!

And for those who care, I am now listening to The Shangri-Las song "Remember (Walking In The Sand)"

I'm In *AND* I'm Feeling Slighted

I'm in! I received my save-the-date magnet, no going back now. They had their chance to not invite me, but they blew it. SUCKERS! Now I will be there in all my blogging glory, hogging the limelight and embarrassing B at every turn. I've made it to the most exclusive party of the spring. Sorry Puff Daddy.

However, I will admit I am bit sad. Sure, I was invited. Sure, I got the commemorative magnet. Sure, I have to stand somewhere during the ceremony. But my poor little blog is conspicuously missing from the save-the-date. Yes, their little wedding website is listed, but there is no mention of this blog. I've worked long and hard on this thing and this is the thanks I get? After 109 posts (in less than a year, mind you) and over 4,000 page views and 28 mentions of Vanilla Ice, this life-altering blog gets no mention. It hurts. You put your heart and soul into something and this is the way you are repaid? There had better be a bunch of filet mignon for me when I get to that wedding.

Do you know what hurts the most? They didn't use my pictures! How could you not use these? They really give you a sense of the love between B and Corrin. It also frames their youth and innocence. A big loss if you ask me.

Luckily for them, I am a big man. I'll get over it somehow. I'll be there in my groomsdude ensemble trying not to outshine everyone else there. I guess just being invited is a triumph unto itself.

Another Horrible Photoshop Gone Wrong

We have seen B as Vanilla Ice:

So we needed to create one for Corrin. How about Corrin as Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes from TLC? I think so.

You can thank me later.

199 Days Left *OR* A Wedding To-Do List

We're nearing the home stretch here folks on this wedding and the merciful ending of this blog. Have you ever tried to write a wedding themed blog for over a year all while trying to keep the content fresh? Call me when you figure that one out Mr. Smarty-Pants. I can't imagine anyone will miss the blog, in fact, I may end it much like a Mission: Impossible task where it may self-destruct in a few hours. Once I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know, but you may want to stand back.

Okay young people, before Tom Cruise did Mission: Impossible there was a t.v. show and the messages would self-destruct. This is a picture of said action.

Only 199 days left until we get Radio (my nickname for B and Corrin) hitched and on their way to wedded bliss. And then only 200 days until they realize that wedded bliss is merely a cover story for "discussions" over who is doing the dishes...but I digress.

Any organized couple. ok, let's be honest, any organized bride will have her to-do list. So to help out Corrin, I have come up with her to-do list. This will keep her on schedule and make her life so much easier.

1. Make To-Do List (see, already done, you can cross this bad boy off!)
2. Add to To-Do List (another one down. This is easy.)
3. Review To-Do List (so far, so good)
4. Do To-Do List (hmm, I think we got that one done too. You're welcome).

Okay, that was easier than expected. Gheesh, people think these lists are so difficult. I just knocked that bad boy out in about 30 seconds and now I have time to watch Top Gear. First I think I will enjoy this Beatles song that came up on my iTunes; When I'm Sixty-Four off of their Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album.

This is a great album, a seminal album really. It influenced the Beach Boys to make Pet Sounds, which is another great album. Seriously, the Beatles really raised the bar here. You compare these songs to what they were doing on Meet The Beatles and it doesn't even compare.

Ugh, off topic again eh? Um, okay, you should play this full album at the wedding. It may confuse some, but the older folks and those that appreciate music will enjoy the wedding all the more. So play this album and show this picture of B and all will be good:

Somebody's Due For Prison *OR* How To Have A Memorable Bachelor Party

Greg and I were having dinner and watching Top Gear last night, I know, surprise surprise. Oh, we ate some smoked ribs and potatoes. You know two guys are cooking when nothing green makes it on the plate.

After Top Gear was over (great episode by the way), we continued our months-long conversation about B's upcoming bachelor party. I don't want to give too much away, but B thinks we are headed to Vegas. I hope he is not tied to that idea, because we have some actual other ideas. However, we both agreed that somebody is due for prison. Let me repeat that, because it is important, SOMEBODY IS DUE FOR PRISON. Why, you ask? Why not? We've avoided it as a group for years. You would think that in the nearly 20 years we have known each other that somehow, one of us would have landed in jail, even just a quick hold, with some of the things we have done. I can't go into the specifics because I have no idea what the statute of limitations is in 5 states and a couple of other countries.

Both B and Paul are employed and have a nice little steady income. While Greg and I have "incomes," I wouldn't call it steady (pimpin' ain't easy). What better way to get some free food and lodging than by getting yourself tossed in the slammer? Just ask my friend Lindsay!

B can spend a few nights in the clink and the rest of us can enjoy whatever bachelor party we were going to throw. It is brilliant really and I wish we had thought of it earlier. And think of the stories that B can tell from his time behind bars! Bubba and his friends are waiting to meet you, B.

While we might miss B for about 4 minutes, I think the feeling would pass. I think it would also humble the groom-elect. You know they call marriage a jail sentence, well, now he would really know the meaning. Brilliant as always Mr. Kathol. Another problem solved.

I Got To Use "Yurt" In This Blog *OR* Get Out Of Town

Ok, I've been gone for a few weeks on vacation. Oddly enough, I was up and down the West Coast, much like I suggested that Radio (B and Corrin's couple nickname) do. 2,726 miles and 12 days later, I have decided not to do that again with an 11 month old. It was a good trip overall, but I am exhausted. Isn't it odd how we always need a vacation from our vacations? Do you ever wonder how your parents used to do it? I just chalked it up to parental magic.

This brings us to the topic of today's post, needed a break after the wedding. I don't care much about the bride and groom. I've been there and done that. For those who were around the day after the wedding know that my wife and myself were tired and a bit cranky. Okay, I admit, I was the cranky one.

It is a lot of work to put together and attend your own wedding. It means long days. Not only are you planning the wedding, but you are getting together all those cousins you never thought you had and finding them last-minute places to stay, like my yurt.

 But then you are still putting together your honeymoon and trying to high-tail it as quickly as possible out of town to avoid your new in-laws (ha ha ha....ha.........ha...........ha....................ha?) Now you have to pack for the trip of a lifetime, all while making sure your passport matches your old name because you haven't changed to your new name yet. Phew, I am exhausted just from typing about it all.

Now let's focus on us, the wedding guest. With any sort of destination wedding there comes planning. Sure, you have to bring your wedding get-up. I was thinking about this, they can edit it out in post-production, right? If you look closely here, I think I am wearing ice skates. Don't know why.

Ok, so wedding attire, day before and day after clothes, maybe a wedding gift. You probably want to see my cute kid, so I guess I'll bring him, which brings up a whole new basket of trouble. Camera? Sure. Toilet paper? Multiple uses. Fireworks? Oh yeah. Baseball bat? Maybe, Uncle Ron has been getting a little crazy lately. Breath mints? Gotta, the wife gets all romantic at weddings. Crude jokes? Yup, the are all written down. Condiments? Can't tell you what those are for, but Greg knows.

After all this trouble, I think Radio owes us all a little vacation. I think we, as wedding guests, would all love a trip to Hawaii for a week or two, just to unwind. It is stressful getting ready for this wedding. In fact, the poor sap that writes this blog should have about a month in Hawaii. Make it happen. You know how to reach me and where to send the tickets. I'll be waiting.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me *OR* How To Be Gracious

I had lunch with some friends the other day and the topic of this delightful blog came up. I know what you are thinking, and no, I did not bring it up (I don't think). It was brought to my attention that this blog is the single greatest thing known to mankind and had surpassed the picture of Brent Lee's head on Vanilla Ice's body to get there. Who am I to argue this fact? It was also brought to my attention that we hardly talk about the wedding anymore. Well, Antoinette, that might change in this post. Oh sure, we're off to a bad start. But I have mentioned the groom and the fact that there is a wedding, so I think we're on the right track.

Some people relish time in the spotlight, when all eyes are focused on them and a crowd is captivated simply by who they are or what they are doing. Other people wish that people would stop looking at them and just leave them alone. We're not here to talk about which one I am (the answer might actually surprise you).

As it will be your wedding day B and Corrin (or Radio as I have called them- check an earlier post for why), those people will be staring at you. Now, I know for a fact that half of Radio (B in particular) does not care for much attention. Granted, this doesn't explain why I have seen him run around in a thong (let's just say there was alcohol involved, but I won't say more than that- sorry B). Typically B would prefer to be a wallflower, which is one of the reasons this blog is so freakin' funny, and so is the Twitter feed. In a moment of reflection, I may have to take that all back. B is the guy, who in 7th grade, broke out the Roger Rabbit at a junior high dance. Remember folks, junior high dances were all about how far into the wall you could push your back.

Now, I haven't known Corrin all that long, but I sense that she enjoys a little spotlight here and there. It's a good thing too, because as my wife and I have proved, you can't have two wallflowers.

Of course, this will be magnified at the wedding, as all eyes are on the bride. Every little thing she does, every move she makes.
Person 1: "Did she just wink at someone? Can you DO that at your wedding?"
Person 2: "Relax, I think it was her sister."
Person 1:"Oh, but I think she just hit her new husband."
Person 2:"No, she was wiping salad dressing off his face. Calm down."
Person 1:"I'll try. Wait, she just stopped holding his hand."
Person 2:"OK, knock it off, he is about to do the Roger Rabbit."
Person 1:"Ooooh, I've heard things about his Roger Rabbit."

All those eyes can make you a bit paranoid. Don't let it get to you. Just keep on keeping on. Half of those people won't remember what on earth you did that night. Have fun and tip your waiter. And tip your blog writers too. They have families and huge overheads. Do you know how expensive it is to maintain a free website?

Anything K-Dub Can Do, Radio Can Do Better *OR* Making Something Out Of Nothing

A lot of us married folk have gone into a great depression recently. No, not because the Harry Potter movies are over or that the NBA is locked out (in the off-season, who cares?). No, we're depressed because the wedding of Kate & Will has come and gone. For months we wondered how we could live out our royal dreams by having a dry British wedding. Now we know and we have nothing to look forward to. What makes it even worse is that K-Dub (as I call them on our Skype chats) are busy making the rounds as their job.

Few people cared that I got married 9 years ago. Even fewer people wanted us to come to their town and gallivant. No one wanted me to show up to their skid row dance party or attend their stuffy political soiree.

Like my beard?

How do these people make money? All they do is show up and talk in their fancy British accent. He's losing his hair and she is too good for him (according to the British tabloids I read).

To ease the transition to married life for B and Corrin, I have created an itinerary of places you will go and people you will meet as a married couple. If K-Dub can do it, so can Radio (my nickname for B and Corrin. Let me explain: Their first initials are C. & B. In the 1970's there was a huge fad about CB Radio, where truckers and back wood folk would talk over these radios before cell phones. So, C&B becomes CB, which reminds me of CB Radio, which becomes Radio. Keep up people!).

First Radio will travel to Duarte, CA to re-dedicate this statue. Why? It was the best I could do on short notice, okay?

Next, they will travel to Taos, NM to eat a Navajo taco. Simply to raise their spirits.

After that, it is off to Liberal, KS to bring attention to the International Pancake Day Hall of Fame. This is a place that could use a little attention.

Finally, off to Tampa Bay, FL to swim in the ocean with some disadvantaged kids who can only afford jet-skis and not speed boats.

I know that the presence of Radio will only bring smiles to those they meet. I am still trying to figure out funding, but I think the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation can give us a grant.

It's Been A Long Time *OR* Pandering For 4,000 Page Views

As the title states, it has been a while since good ol' Downward Brent Lee was updated. I am sure you have been checking back daily just to see, by chance, if there has been an update. Your persistence will now be rewarded. As I am writing this, I am only 4 views away from 4,000 visitors to the site. Who knew a simple little blog about two people living on the Central Coast of California who are planning a wedding would be so "popular?" In case you couldn't tell, I am stalling here, because I have no idea what I am actually going to write about. And let me let you in on a little secret...that's how this whole blog has been written. Little to no planning really makes the best internet experience.

With that being said, I think I have our opening. A lot of couples spend way too much money on a wedding planner. Sure, they can be useful in organizing the location and making sure that the flowers end up in vases in the right order. But then they overstep their boundaries and try to take your man. Oh wait, I think I just got that mixed up with the two minutes I saw of the movie "The Wedding Planner" featuring newly divorced Jennifer Lopez. Gee, how sad, I really thought they were going to make it. Actually, I didn't. That spelled disaster when you heard about it. In reality, anything that involves Jenny from the block spells disaster.

This is where I get to let you in on a little secret about B. Yes, I think he owns an entire Jennifer Lopez album. Now that you are armed with that bit of knowledge, I will now debunk everything else you are thinking right now:

• No, B is not gay. Remember the wedding to Corrin? Still on.
• No, B is not Latin. The closest he came was eating a Taco Bell taco.
• No, B did not DJ bar-mitzvahs in his earlier days.
• No, B is not a back-up dancer for a female pop-singer. Where did you get that idea?

Oh, back to the wedding planner. Why plan at all? I think we should all just show up and wing it. We've seen enough movies and attended enough weddings to go this a fairly good go. Granted, I have been recently watching a bunch of Marx Brothers movies and I can not guarantee that some zany antics would not happen. Again, a great way to liven up a wedding. If you see me in a grease paint mustache, I would pay attention, it is going to get good.

Thanks as always for checking in. I will try to update a bit more frequently, but feel free to send ideas in the comments section. Have a hot dog for me!