You're Wearing That? *OR* It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding

Longtime readers of the blog (all 4 of you) will note that we have covered a wide variety of wedding topics here at Downward Brent Lee. Nothing has been off limits and we've blanketed nearly every aspect of a wedding. [Random side note: typing with damp hands is more challenging than it should be.] But if you have been paying attention, there has been one topic I haven't had the guts to tackle, and there is a good reason for that. We have not talked about the wedding dress that Corrin will wear for her transformation into Mrs. B Lee.

For ages, men who have been in serious relationships have had to tread some tricky areas with tact and caring as to not offend the woman in their life. There are questions that get thrown out that require a certain "jen ne se quoi." Let me demonstrate how I answer some of the more typical questions. This will showcase how I have been married for nearly 9 years.

Q: How is my hair? 
A: On your head, where it belongs.  

Q: Am I wearing too much make-up?
A: Not if you are trying to attract a pimp or are going on-stage in a Broadway musical.

Q: Does this article of clothing make me look fat?
A: What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

Q: What do you think?
A: The complete opposite of what you think, but, in order to be done with this conversation, I agree with you, but when it backfires, I will laugh at you.

(It should be noted that these are not my answers.)

Can't you tell I'm a sensitive guy? You'll also note that I am stalling here.

Ok, the dress. The thing that all of the women will talk about and that the men will forget about even as they might be staring at it. Only the groom is thinking how good it looks....crumpled up on the bedroom floor! HA!

So let's throw out some options. First is this one, direct from the catwalks of Paris:

Perfect for those women who are in touch with their marine roots. If you think about it metaphorically, she really is wrapping her tentacles around you! HA! (Wow, these jokes are good today).

This next one comes from the stripper poles of Vegas:

At least you ignore everything else about this woman.

For those dark, indoor weddings we have this option:

Clothes where you have to wear a battery pack should be outlawed, unless you are part of the Disney Electrical Light Parade.

In the "Whoops, we did this backward" category:

At least she is comfortable with her body. And what about the crow's nest hair?

In the "Killing two birds with one stone" category comes this one:

Yup, pastry. Often the bride doesn't get to eat, but she won't have to worry about that. It is only until some kids come by with the munchies.

In the "Hope it doesn't rain" category:

Most of that is paint. I guess it makes the evening a little easier.

So there you have it, a quick look through some of the options Corrin has for her wedding dress. You can thank me later.

I've Heard Of A Shotgun Wedding, But A Vending Machine Wedding?

 

I have just saved B and Corrin thousands of dollars. I hope that they will send some of those savings over to me. Oh, you're wondering what on earth this pink thing is, aren't you? As you can clearly see, this is the AutoWed Wedding Machine. This is what the fine folks at Concept Shed have to say about it:

"An idea we had been dying to build for over a year, AutoWed is a novelty wedding machine offering a quick hitch, a couple of rings and a personalised certificate for just £1/$1. Audio prompts, specially produced music, a bespoke retro keyboard and VFD display, ring vending and ticket printer all wrapped up in a Cadillac-pink cabinet with shiny aluminium fittings. We built the unit shown here specially for Marvin's Marvellous Mechanical Museum in Detroit, USA.
Buy now - call us and we will build you one to order."

Where do you even start with this wonder of technology? Sure, we can send man to the moon, we have driverless cars (thanks Google), but is has taken us until 2011 to realize the full potential of the vending machine? Oh humanity, why do you let me down so often?

Who wants to deal with all the romance, show, and personalization of a wedding presided over by a real human? But who wants to deal with the hassles of getting married over Skype? This bad boy will vend you a ring AND it has a keyboard? Wow, that must be the deluxe model for sure. 

All this for a dollar? I can't buy a soda at a vending machine for a dollar and now they are going to offer me a wedding? Put a few of these things in Vegas and watch the divorce rate climb even higher! Right next to this machine, they should have an annulment one where you can return the ring. And next to that should be some sort of beverage dispenser. Heck, you could have quite a row of vending machines.

1. Beer machine
2. Hard alcohol machine
3. Prophylactic machine
4. AutoWed Wedding Machine
5. Photo booth
6. Champagne machine
7. Cake machine
8. Another prophylactic machine
9. Annulment machine
10. Airline ticket kiosk/check-in

It is kind of like the 5 stages of grief, just the 10 stages of a marriage.

Don't Tase Me Bro *OR* This Wedding Is Shocking!

Weddings nowadays lack a certain....personality. I understand that the bride has often dreamed of her wedding day for years and now that her prince has arrived, she wants everything to be perfect. I don't know how many brides expect their wedding to have Star Trek theme, but when they meet their geeky husbands-to-be somehow he brainwashes her and something like this happens:

Luckily for all of us, I don't think that B has ever seen an episode of Star Trek, so we are safe from having to dig out our Vulcan ears for this party.

I think we have seen, attended, or planned the perfect wedding. Let's do something more unique. Let's add an element of fun for the 30-somethings that will be there with their kids. I've got two words for you:

LASER TAG!

Look at how much fun these people are having. Their fake smiles really sell the deal. Maybe you don't want to be stuck inside on a glorious March day, maybe you prefer the great outdoors. Well, I have another suggestion:

PAINTBALL!

Is it sad this picture exists?

I can say for certain that I know that Corrin wants to run around outdoors in her wedding dress while B takes sniper shots at her from behind a tree. That white dress? It has become a work of art!

The fact that this is a Canadian couple makes me feel better.

And I'm not just talking about the bride and groom. I think right in the middle of the ceremony, someone just leaps up and yells "PAINTBALL!" and everyone runs to grab a gun and goes crazy. Sorry Grandma, I just pelted you with a triple-round burst of orange! Enjoy those bruises!

Please tell me that you have seen the episodes of "Community" where they have the paintball wars? If not, do yourself a favor and watch them, and then you can send me a thank you note.

This is a great way to make your wedding memorable and to leave a lasting impression upon your guests. And think of it this way, half of them won't want to play and will leave before food is served, therefore dropping your costs. GENIUS!

I Object *OR* How To Ruin A Wedding

We've all seen those movies where something goes horribly wrong during the wedding. One of the wedding party is missing because they are tracking down a monkey who has one of the rings. An ex-boyfriend comes rushing in to yell "I object" from a high place within the church, which, of course, begs the question, couldn't he just use the main entrance and not waste time by climbing stairs? Someone lets a pet loose during the ceremony and, whoops, there goes the cake. Oh, the hilarity and oh, the humiliation for the bride and groom.

I am not saying that I want any of these things to happen to either B or Corrin. But think of the wealth of source material this would provide. We would all have stories to tell at our next dinner party! "Well, I was at a wedding recently and you will never guess what happened..." I might actually have something to contribute to a conversation instead of staring at the wall and hoping that this night will end soon and I won't be put on the spot and that no one will notice that I started to shove extra meatballs into my son's diaper bag for my future use. Too specific?

What we have to make sure happens though is that the photographer is able to document the situation like a National Geographic photojournalist. I want some beautiful pictures that put me in the moment. I want to feel the pain of Corrin and the horror of B. I want to access the anger that those involved feel.

To this end, I think we need to place some plants (not the foliage kind). I am going to encourage people that have a +1 one their invitation to bring people I choose. They will fit in, I promise. I might even try to do a match.com thing and find you an appropriate date. Yet, at the chosen moment they will instigate the proper distraction. It could range from a loud belch to a cherry bomb placed carefully in the cake.

Now, don't anyone else get any ideas here. I am a trained professional and it will not be appreciated in the appropriate fashion if anyone attempts this. I will have set the proper boundaries for behavior and mayhem.

I'll give you some hints here, only because I care. These 'events' have been sanctioned by myself and should not cause any more alarm than needed, and we certainly do not need to call the authorities again.

• As mentioned, a nice firecracker for the cake. KA-BOOM!
• Big Mexican wrestler takes out B in the middle of the vows. Hilarity ensues.
• Crazy PETA activist runs up to Corrin and throws red paint on her screaming "FUR IS MURDER!" not recognizing Corrin is not wearing any fur.
• Expensive catered meal is quickly replaced with Arby's sandwiches.
• Groomsmen, during a quiet moment, bring back the Superbowl Shuffle.

Flock of killer doves released at 5 minute intervals.

Pair of teenagers are paid to awkwardly make out during ceremony and reception.

Instead of Bridesmaids, B's former girlfriends walk down the aisle in hate-fueled rage.

Again, this is just a sample of the hilarity that may occur. I just want to keep everyone on their toes during the ceremony.

Phew, planning a wedding is difficult, but planning an interrupted wedding is even more difficult.

Yo DJ, Spin Those Tunes *OR* If I Hear Any Miley Cyrus, I'm Walking

I am sure I have lamented the fact that so many weddings are so similar. There are only so many things you can do with a bride, a groom, a dance floor and some dried out convention hall chicken. I could be like Einstein here and make some amazing mathematical equation to get the generic wedding. Luckily, we here at Downward Brent Lee are not about generic weddings. Oh no, we seek out the unique, the unusual, the things that are going to stand out. Now, I admit that planning a wedding in the Central Coast of California opens up some beautiful locations, but does limit some of the other options. You try finding a good Elvis impersonator near Morro Bay. This ain't Vegas folks!

The same goes for DJs. You can't just walk on down to the Roxy (a notorious rock club in Los Angeles) and get some raw talent. No, you just have to ask around see whose iPod Micro has the most music.

I address the rest of this post to that "DJ" who will spinning the dope jams at B and Corrin's wedding. I am sure the couple has had some requests and for the most part, I will let those stand. But here are my requests:

• Shut up. No one is here to hear you ramble on about love, how cute the couple is, or how impressive it is to see Big Jim up there break dancing.
• You must play one Refreshments song. "Banditos" is my choice, but you have two albums to choose from, go wild.
• The crowd would like to hear at least one Vanilla Ice song. He is our personal hero.
• Bridesmaids are allowed to have one collective song. This song may be country. It may not be Shania Twain.
• If you try to scratch any records, I will scratch ALL of your records. Don't be a showoff.
• If you dare try to involve me in any shenanigans, I will cut you.
• If we must toss garters and flowers, you are not allowed any commentary. You are not Vin Scully.
• However, if the DJ is Vin Scully, no music will be played. I just want to hear stories.

• You are not allowed to play "Celebration", "YMCA", or "Baby Got Back."
• If you can find the "Mortal Kombat" soundtrack, you may play that in its entirity.
• Should you embarrass B's parents, I can assure you that you will be cut.
• I would encourage you to play the band Cake while the cake is being cut. It only seems right.
• Sappy Disney songs will get you cut as well.

Do I request a lot as a wedding guest? I don't think so. As we have established in previous posts, I am the life of the party and people are there to see me. I have been to enough weddings to know that there are plenty of things that I do not like. Should you, Mr. DJ break any one of these rules, I will...you guessed it...cut you.

*The author reserves the right to substitute "cut" with "shank" as he sees fit.

We've Done It *AND* Gimme Some Swag

This humble little blog, which used to be updated nearly 5 times a week and has now gone down to once a week (so sad) has crested 3,000 page views. I think only Facebook gets more traffic than this site. Why bother using another homepage when Downward Brent Lee has all the information you could want? News? Check. Entertainment? Check. Pictures? Check. Brent Lee? Oh yeah, double check. Blog dripping in sarcasm? Yup, check that one too.

Honestly though, 3,000 views? Crazy. It helps when you steal the right pictures and use some key labels in your blog, but I don't want to give away all of my secrets.

Back to what we are here for, exciting wedding information. You've been sitting at home all week clicking refresh on this website, just hoping that there would be an update. Well, wait no longer, here you are. I got a little lazy last week as I returned from a trip to San Diego. Not that you care, so moving on again.

I hear through the grapevine that the wedding between B and Corrin (remember them?), will feature some over the top things. I don't want to spill all the beans, otherwise I won't have anything else to blog about, but I hear the party favors are B-A-N-A-N-A-S. What does that even mean? That things are bananas? What a strange thing for something else to be. "Gee, I'm a fruit that Mr. Tallyman wants to tally."

While other weddings are content leaving you with a program, or maybe food-poisoning, B and Corrin are going to be hooking us up. Unlike Oprah and her favorite things, B is going to be sharing with us some of his favorite things. Now, keep in mind that 9 out of his top ten favorite things are either alcohol or Facebook games, which leaves us with one real option: DVD copies of COPS!

Yes, you get a DVD box set, and you get a DVD box set. One lucky person will also be taking home a pair of fuzzy handcuffs (don't ask).

Enough of the tiny little bag of M&Ms, no more candy in a little dish, no personalized CD of songs from the bride and groom. Nope, we're talking DVDs of the long-running television show where 97% of those appearing on the show are on meth. Even the cops themselves. Ever wanted to see what East Las Vegas looks like? How about Compton? Maybe rural Georgia is more your speed? You'll see them all in this exciting box set of COPS (filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement).

I don't know about you, but I can hardly wait to bring my copy home, make some popcorn, put in my stadium pal and let the hours pass away.

Classy

I Can Be Fat Spiderman *OR* Tranquilizer Darts Do Work

I've mentioned here once or twice that, like Spiderman I have a great responsibility. Sadly, Spiderman is not my favorite comic character. That honor goes to Batman. Don't let it go to your head Bruce Wayne (that's right, I know who you are!). Oh, but back to the actual responsibility, I am talking about being a groomsdude in THE wedding of 2012, and heck, let's add 2013 because absolutely nothing interesting will happen that year, aside from B and Corrin having the triplets (YIPEE for Carl!).

Even fat Spidermen can kick butt.

I have had to don the rented tuxedo before in two other weddings and, if I do say myself, I looked damn good (try to refute it). My main responsibilities were to show up and not make a fool of myself. Pretty easy task really.

Now, as a groomsdude, I have some other things to do. In Paul's wedding I had to tape the name "Ernesto" to the back of his coat. Yes, this is true. But before you think, "huh?", you need to know that there was also a shamrock taped to the back as well, just to keep it classy. I recall having to drive Paul's truck to about four different locations for some various reason. Even that I did with style and class. Basically I had to stand there during the ceremony and make sure that Paul didn't make a quick dash for the door. To make my job easier, we pumped Paul full of tranquilizers before (sorry Michelle, makes for a groggy wedding night).

Paul needed a timeout.

With Greg's wedding it involved standing around his Taurus SHO and taking pictures looking like a badass. Again, pretty easy when you are posing next to this piece of "American" muscle.

The ceremony consisted of a lot of standing up and then sitting back down. There were also about 52 groomsdudes, so the 'responsibilities' were a bit dilluted.

So onto B. What do we have to do with this wedding? There are 3 groomsdudes at last count, but I think there are 61 bridesmaids, so I am not sure how that is going to work. Yes, we have the bachelor party to plan, which is already under control to a degree. And then we have to make sure B gets dressed properly on the big day and be at the ready if he were to run. This means I may have to get back into shape. Maybe I can call on fat Spiderman to help us out; he's got webs he can shoot, therefore saving us a lot of energy.

I am sure other tasks me be presented to us as the date nears (less than 300 days now people), but I think I am going to rest up for the big day.

World's 633rd Most Popular Blog (According To My Own Fake Data) *OR* Don't Touch The Merchandise

Oooh, you've been waiting. I can tell. You come and check back daily, hoping, praying, that maybe today would be the day that there would be a new entry in the world's 633rd most popular blog. Oh yeah, we've cracked the top 1,000 in a poll I made up. To make it to 632, I need to beat a blog about hamster neutering.

But you don't come here to see me toot my own horn and proclaim this the best blog about a wedding, do you? No, you come here for the gossip, the inside scoop as it were about B and Corrin. You want to know what is happening down in the trenches and how this wedding is coming together. You want to know where you are going to sit and what they are going to feed you. And of course you want to know whether or not you get to wear a hat.

If you can find this hat, you are welcome to wear it.

Well, here is what I know about the wedding:
1. I'm in it.

Oh yes, your favorite blogger is IN THE WEDDING! Granted, this may have changed since I started this blog. In fact, I think they are trying to push me out of it all together. And I'm not just talking about the wedding. The other day while drinking water out of my favorite cup, some of the water went down the wrong pipe and I coughed a bit. I am pretty sure that B is trying to choke me. More recently, my 8 month old son had a very messy diaper. If I didn't know better, I would bet that B messed my son's diaper to try to gross me out. Well, I am going to let you in on a little secret...IT WON"T WORK! Oh yes, I am on to your little plan. You know I am going to steal the spotlight with my devilishly handsome looks and my Barry White inspired voice. My mad skills on the dancefloor coupled with my sparkling personality will simple turn all eyes toward me.

Now Corrin, you must not be jealous. Sure, the day was supposed to be about you, but when a 'personality' such as myself enters a room or joins a party, people flock. And really, can you blame them? Yes, you may have your friends who have never met me and are coming to the wedding for you, but honestly, they are just there to try to get to know me. Please be sure to remind them that I am married and not available. However, much like the pieces at a museum, they can look and admire, but they can not touch.

This Is Paul's Fault *OR* Please Explain Those Duties Again

Paul emailed me early this morning complaining that there had been no new blog entries in a while. He's right, but I just haven't been feeling anything. So Paul, next time feel free to contribute. There is little (okay, no) money to be made here, but the blogger groupies are certainly worth it. I can't leave my front door without being mobbed by adoring fans and paparazzi waiting to see what I am wearing and where I am headed.

Enough of complaining about fame. "I want to be famous and loved, but I want my privacy." Hey, you made that goal, now deal with it.

Lately Greg and I have been taking some lunch meetings with some of the more prominent people in the greater Los Angeles area (read: Just Greg and myself). We have frequented some of the best dining establishments and enjoyed quality meals (read: burgers at the nautical vessel that serves ground beef sandwiches, or The Hamburger Boat or The Ship).

While at the Galley (the actual name of the restaurant), Greg and I took a two hour lunch meeting (easy to do when you don't have real jobs). We started the work of the groomsdudes for B's wedding. We started some of the dirty work of planning the actual bachelor party. Now, B thinks that we are going to Vegas and we are going to let him think that. In all reality, we have something "different" planned. Everyone knows that B does not like to be the center of attention and does not like to be embarrassed. So what do you think we planned? Oh yeah, time to put B in the center of a three ring circus and then pour blood all over him a-la "Carrie."

Ignore the part where Carrie goes a little crazy afterward by locking the doors and setting the gym on fire. I am sure that B's experience will go off without murder....I hope.

After planning the bachelor party I am little lost as to what my duties are. We may have to explore that next time, on a very special Downward Spiral of Brent Lee.

Pastry Is Better With Fire Placed On It *OR* Happy Birthday B

A mere 133 years ago, in the shadow of the Appalachian mountains where only the bald eagle flies free, a baby was born. This baby, of course, has nothing to do with Brent Lee. Nope, B was born 33 years ago and I assume that he was delivered in a hospital. Sure, we could get sappy today and wish B a happy birthday and reminisce about the good times, but that would not be this blog, now would it?

This picture makes it look like I have been tracking Sasquatch.

I think in celebration of the man they call B, we should dig deep into the archives and present some little known facts about B. The following are facts in the truest sense of the word.

• B is scared of the black piano keys
• He once ate an entire box of Chip's Ahoy cookies and then started to get chocolate chip freckles
• He knows all the words to the "Macarena"
• His left hand can change the tides, don't ask how
• B taught a baby bird how to fly by actually flying beside it
• He is afraid of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish
• Favorite word: Cucamunga
• He speaks Klingon
• Once was a jumping jack champion
• Learned how to spell his nickname at age 17
• Likes chicken. Likes waffles. Will not eat them together.
• Once ran into the Queen of Diamonds and was not sure how to act.
• Dated a girl in junior high called "Quarter"

Hopefully this gives you a greater insight into the man simply known as B. Happy Birthday old friend.