Save The World's Largest Rectal Thermometer *OR* How Bun Boy Nearly Killed Me

Happy New Year from your friends at Downward Brent Lee, your internet headquarters for everything Brent Lee related. Yup, it's a small store, but we are potent. Like skunk spray.

With a new year comes new responsibilities. Your friends at Downward Brent Lee will try to update with a bit more regularity, but we promise nothing. Brent will take on new responsibilities as a new father to little Carl. Let's see how awkward he can make holding a baby look.

2013 brings some interesting news, one of the favorite topics here at Downward Brent Lee is in danger and needs our help. I'm not talking about Vanilla Ice, I think he is doing fine turning hipster and remodeling homes. No, I'm talking about the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer in beautiful Baker, CA. Situated in the middle of the drive between Las Vegas and Los Angeles, the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer stands as a beacon to all that is good to be found in Baker. I can tell you from experience though, that it does not point to Bun Boy, the world's only hamburger laced with radioactive waste. As mentioned in previous posts, Greg and this author ventured to the Bun Boy to partake in their widely advertised burgers. Not only did it take 30 minutes to bring a burger to our table (there were only 6 people in the restaurant), but somehow this burger was burned to a near-coal-like texture and retained heat as only a ceramic pot coming out of the kiln could. And somehow, through a legitimate miracle, that heat stayed with it as it was forced down our collective throat and settled, like a hot coal, in the stomach. This author had never wanted to get to Vegas so quickly in his life.

Back to the topic at hand, next door to the world's most reactive burger, stands the mighty edifice of the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. It stands to tell travelers that the desert is either really freakin' hot or downright freezing. There seems to be no in-between.

The sad news here folks is that this unneeded structure is being sold. You can get a thermometer, some land, and a gift shop all for $1.75 million. It's a bargain at twice the price. What else says "Welcome to the World, Little Carl!" like a giant thermometer that can be seen from the I-15? Nothing, I tell you, nothing! So B, you must buy this and put it in your front yard.

Three stacks, a rock, and a giant thermometer!

Let's save this great landmark and relocate the thing to the beautiful central coast of California.

Rules, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Rules *OR* Put Down That Phone

In my continuing quest to bring you the 223rd best blog on the internet, I am always doing research. I crash some weddings, I host some wedding showers, I shop for tuxedos, and I go to the epicenter of the relationship between B and Corrin. That's right, I go to Morro Bay, home of not one, not two, but three stacks and one rock.

 I spoke with one of the other groomsdudes and B's brother, Paul. Of course the conversation steered itself toward our vacation. Collectively, the groomsdudes, who are all married and have children, simply need a vacation. If B wants to come along we can call it a bachelor party. If B does decide to join, we have all agreed that there must be some ground rules for our time wherever we go. So B, pay attention, stop watching reruns of 90210 and take some notes here.

• Married guys get as much phone time as they like. You, however, get 20 minutes per day, to be decided upon by the groomsdudes. You might get all 20 minutes at one time, you might only get about 30 seconds. You never know, but we'll let you know when you can use your phone. Otherwise your phone must be surrendered to a groomsdude.
• Your wardrobe will be chosen by the groomsdudes. You will wear what has been chosen. Don't bother packing any clothes, we have you covered...literally.
• Bring your wallet. There is a good chance you will be footing the bill for everything.
• Should Greg and I have our way, you will only be eating condiments and packets of saltines at all meals.
• There is a good chance you will be going to an all-male revue of some sort. You will go. You will not say anything. Otherwise, you will become part of the all-male revue.
• You will take all abuse, verbal and physical, with a smile. We may taunt you quite a bit about running into cows. Just smile.
• Should we allow you to drink alcohol, Jave gets to choose it. Remember it has been 10 years since he had a drink and he isn't so familiar with what is good anymore. Enjoy your watered down generic beer.

• You might be sleeping in a bathtub. Deal with it. If you don't complain, we will give you a pillow.
• At any time you may be asked to do either the Roger Rabbit or the Running Man. You will comply.
• Karaoke bars will be open. Just keep that in mind.
• Wherever we end up, it is a long walk back to Morro Bay. Wear some comfortable shoes.
• Your music selections will be between Marcy Playground and Kris Kross. Choose wisely.

Failure to adhere to any of these rules will result in sheer mayhem during the wedding. And guess who you would have to answer to for that. If you guessed Corrin, you would be correct. The rules have been laid out, it is now in your hands. Remember, anything else would be "wiggidity, wiggidity, wiggidity, wack!"

Love Sick *OR* Love Makes Me Sick

I think I may have used this phrase a few times in this blog, but I think I have stumbled upon the worst part of a wedding. It is all the love. Like a sticky Celine Dion type of sappy love. Scratch that, more like a Miley Cyrus theme-song for a Nicholas Sparks novel kind of dripping love. The dripping love you normally would have a doctor check out. And yes, I realize that this is the type of affection and infatuation that should be showcased at a wedding, but think of the children! It is like we are watching a Julia Roberts movie while trying to read a Jane Austen novel. It is so sweet that the women protesting high-fructose corn sugar have moved onto this cause.

I'm all for love (quick, name that tune and artist. Answers at the end of this entry). Heck, I even got married myself because I fell in love (and remain there, thank you very much). But do we need to showcase how fresh your love is at a wedding? It gets all of us married guys in trouble with questions that often start with the words "How come you don't....?" Thanks, thanks a lot for that. Make the rest of us look like slobs. We really appreciate it.

My wonderful wife and I had the chance to take our 7 month-old son up to the belly of the beast. We ventured up to see B and Corrin in Morro Bay. They were kind enough to let us stay at their place and we had a very nice time. Not many couples would allow an infant invade their home, very brave indeed.

I can attest from being around B and Corrin that they are very much in love. I have known B for around 19 years or so and I do not recall him being so happy for such an extended period of time. He used to be a bit like Eeyore, always being a melancholy chap.

Now he is Tigger, and it is challenging to get him to sit still for a moment.

Kudos to you kids for finding each other and I am happy to see that you make each other happy. Just knock this kind of affection off, it makes my son ill.

And while you are in Morro Bay, be sure to visit the famous Shell Shop for all your seashell needs.

Oh, the answer to the quick quiz was either:
Rod Stewart: "All For Love"
Color Me Badd: "All 4 Love"

How To Make A Quick Buck *OR* Let's Get Them To Pay You For The Wedding

A lot of couples spend a lot of time picking out the perfect cake, perfect flowers, perfect location, perfect food, perfect music, and of course, the perfect spouse for their wedding. They've got it down to colors, smells, ambiance, and even stemware. Some go the Star Jones route and get their entire wedding sponsored by groups showcasing their wares.

I think there is a great opportunity here to make a little money while throwing a kickin' shindig: sponsorship.  Hallmark can sponsor the invitations. When guests of the B & Corrin wedding stay in the Central Coast, they stay at the Embarcadero Inn in Morro Bay. Wedding guests dine at Hofbrau, of course! Wedding patrons only wear Calvin Klein dresses and suits. Transportation is provided by Chevrolet cars and trucks. Flowers have been donated by ProFlowers.com. And so on, and so forth.

Weddings can get expensive, even when trying to cut corners. Heck, one wedding I went to simply gave me directions to the nearest Taco Bell en route to the reception at a quiet street corner where there happened to be a bus bench.

It was a beautiful wedding though.

Heck, if you start now it can be like an episode of Oprah's favorite things. Come to the wedding and find out what you might win. Maybe it will be a trip to Australia, maybe it will be a lifetime supply of Aquafina water, you won't know until you show up.

In other news, we are so close to 1,000 visitors! Crazy. Look for that post once we pass that number. Thanks for reading folks. Or for those that don't read, thanks for looking at pictures.

Getting In Touch With Our Feminine Side *OR* The Bachelorette Party

We've focused a lot here at Downward Brent Lee on the male perspective, seeing as how B is a male and your crack team of writers here are male as well. In honor of the quickly lessening influence of the metro-sexual male who is in touch with his feminine side, we present to you ideas for the Bachelorette Party. I've got to hand it to you women, you have hidden the rights and passages of this time honored tradition quite well. It is like trying to figure out what the Masons are really doing in there or learning what is in the secret sauce at McDonald's. My assumption from watching MTV Spring Break is that when a group of women get together to celebrate some monumental moment in a woman's life, that there is the need to treat the lady of the hour like a queen and that she is very concerned with "getting her groove on." It also seems that fruity variations of martinis must be consumed and there will be lots of hooting and hollering. In some lesser occasions, cowboy hats will be worn and mechanical bulls will be ridden, but I don't have substantial evidence to back up that claim.

I am also familiar with the desire of the party-goers to try to embarrass the "queen" by making her do some ridiculous stunts and tasks. I get this, I keep betting B a dollar to do various things I know that he will never do. I think I have even once had to lick some candy off a lady. Oh wait, that was in Taiwan, nevermind.

To keep Corrin from being utterly embarrassed or arrested, I have compiled some wonderful ideas for a Bachelorette Party that I think her bridesmaids should consider. These are all approved by the Council For Family Relations and the Organization To Keep An Engaged Couple Making Vows. In no particular order:

• Book club! You can read one of Oprah's books, eat Bon-Bons, and giggle as needed. In bed by 10:30pm and no pesky hangover.
• A little hike and picnic to the ocean. Enjoy some sandwiches and salads. You may play flag football or frisbee. Your choice.
• A lovely dinner at Windows On The Water: Morro Bay's premier dining destination. May I suggest the duck?
• A hilarious game of miniature golf. Splurge and enjoy an Icee.
• Electric boat ride around Morro Bay. See some seals, laugh at the kayakers. 

This should get the creative juices flowing for the ladies. Remember, the key is to have a safe, fun time out there and enjoy some quiet "girl time" together. Once B gets in the picture, it will be monster trucks, diesel power, guns, heavy metal music, and steak all the time.

What Harm Can A Bunch Of 30 Year-Olds Reliving Their High School Days Do *OR* I Hope The Nut Can Make It

In our last post we suggested the idea of the four groomsdudes getting back their old high school cars and taking them on one last roadtrip up the coast. As a recap, Paul will drive his S-10 (which got into an accident), Greg will take the old Buick Century (complete with suspension upgrades), I will take my old Camaro (the Silver Bullet won't let you down) and B will trail in the Kona Nut with all 12 hamster power.

I'll be honest, none of these cars is going to win a Concours d'Elegance or anything, but we loved those cars. I don't think we could count the hours we spent inside them or beside them trying to look cool. The cool part failed, but we had a good time. I have already told one story about the Kona Nut, so I will leave that out. I remember taking the S-10 to various functions because we could all sit in the back. And as Greg will remember, the back of that S-10 is where "Don't Wanna See No Schlong" became a big hit. With the Buick, I recall trying to the hit the very high notes in The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince's "Kiss." If you know me, I have a deep voice and it hurts getting up there. Then there is the Camaro, where to fit in the back, you had to be "flexy in the crotch." Again, we loved these cars and, gosh darnit, we were/are cool.

So the plan is to load up at La Canada High School, home of the Spartans and where all journeys should begin. There will be the obligatory mocking of the other vehicles, which I will win. My Camaro is bitchin' and everyone else should just bow down. And then Paul will want to get down to business and yell something that no one else really understands, but we will assume he means "Let's Ride" and we'll head on out. The 210 to the 134 to the 101 to the 1. Simple as that. Greg and I will race as much as we can while the Lee boys stop at every firestation they see. Paul will get on the CB radios we had installed and regale us with stories about car wrecks. Our first stop would be Morro Bay. Why? 1) Where else do you fly a kite out of a car window? 2) Free lodging. 3) Hofbrau!.

That night, while watching Cops, B will retell the story of him hitting 3 cows with a firetruck.

The next morning B and Paul will be up at 5:30am to walk along the beach while Greg and I sleep in and wait for some room service. Around 9:30 we will load up again after putting gallons of oil in the Kona Nut and the Buick (the Chevys won't have any problems yet, unless I hit a curb). Today we head up the best part of Highway 1 up to Carmel, CA and home of the Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance. It is swanky and we fit right in. Carmel being the home of John Steinbeck, some great food, and the Seventeen Mile Drive.

There will have been some hills (advantage S-10), some curves (advantage modified Buick) and some need for speed (advantage Camaro). We'll just make B carry the luggage or something in the Nut. Sure, Greg and I will have made it up there about an hour before the Lee brothers, but we have heavy feet, what can I say?

Of course, the theme song for this entire journey will be the Refreshments "Banditos." Look it up- and I'll meet you at the mission at midnight.

Roadtrip- Day 3: Feeling Corny

We've done northern California and bits of Utah, so where do we head next? Mitchell, South Dakota of course!

Only 74 miles east of Sioux Falls, SD, Mitchell is where grain reins supreme. Incorporated in 1881, Mitchell boasts over 14,000 Mitchellites. According to the pictures that are shuffling on the city website, the city has an upside down waterpark, a baseball field, and some flowers. What more do you need to create a vibrant city? Heck, at least Morro Bay has a rock. And three stacks. And what must be the most photographed sailboat ever. Does the owner ever take that thing around? Does he get a percentage from the photos taken? If so, I probably owe a few dollars.

Back to Mitchell and the real reason we have chosen it as stop number three on our wedding road trip. Nothing else than the world's only Corn Palace. Can you believe it, an entire building dedicated to and celebrating the multiple uses of corn.

The entire facade of the building is covered in corn. Seriously. Corn. The entire building. Corn. I can barely cover my home in paint, let alone something edible. This building was built in 1921 and serves as a community gathering location. In fact, on November 14 there will be a George Jones concert. So get your tickets and head out.

I'll admit I only barely know George Jones by name, but look at that hair. I don't think he looks like that anymore, but what a hunk of a man. And he has his own brand of coffee. If I could only be that good.



Back to the Corn Palace. I doubt there are many California residents who have been married at the Corn Palace. Think about getting married someplace where the facade changes every year and is based on something I can make a pudding out of. Simply an amazing feat! At only $450 to rent the space for the evening, it is a steal. I'm sure you can take some corn home too, what a great gift for wedding gifts.


What are we waiting for? Let's pile in that limo and find our way to Mitchell, South Dakota, home to the Corn Palace.


Click on those Google links folks. These posts don't write themselves. Otherwise I will have to share stories about B, and B doesn't want that. But you do..... Oh, and vote for your favorite name in the poll.

You should thank me for staying away from all of the corn-related puns I could have used. But if you want some, here is where we could have headed:

• It was a-maiz-ing
• Awww, shucks
• A little kernel of truth
• It's not a cob out
• You don't need to stalk out your ground
• As long as you aren't ear-responsible
• You'll pop out of your seat

And so on, and so forth...