We're Back (Again) *OR* You're Gonna Need Some Bleach

It's been about two years since we last tried to update the ol' Downward Spiral blog. Does this mean that we ran out of ideas? Possibly. But it mostly means that we actually forgot about this and just assumed the monkeys would keep writing. Damn monkeys didn't produce a darn thing. Sometimes you can't find any good help.

So why come back? Well, if the Axl Rose and Slash can make up, so can we. Granted, we weren't upset at the blog, but it seemed like a good reference. And by now, shouldn't Axl give up on the ratty long hair? Sure, Slash has his signature look, but Axl. come on. It's 2015, not 1985. Let's update that look.

I'll bet you are wondering what has been going on with the Bovines & Incendiaries group. Well, I'll tell you. Um, not much. I think since last time we have added another baby and a dog. That's really about it.

And thus concludes blog updates for 2015. Thanks for taking the time to check out pictures of monkeys and Axl. No real Vanilla Ice updates or World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. Maybe next time.

What Happens When You Give A Baby A Gun *OR* Let's Get Registered

Greetings from Downward Brent Lee headquarters; the top of the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. Please don't buy this building, it's the only thing we have left!

 This week, we have a very special blog for you. And once I write it, I'll let you know what the heck it is about...................(still thinking).........................(still thinking)......................oh, I got it, today is all about the baby registry.

Who doesn't like getting free stuff all because you got knocked up? If you think about it, this is a weird thing to give a gift for, but it seems that we do it all the time. Just think about your birthday. We're celebrating the fact that your mother got knocked up and you get presents. Pretty sweet gig I say.

The registry is the chance to run around with a gun and point it at things that you think you want and need. This all sounds great until you have the kid and you realize that the wipe warmer you asked for is about the dumbest thing in the world. All the baby cares about is that it has a clean diaper, not that you coddled it's hindquarters with a luke-warm baby wipe. Or one of my personal favorites is the booger sucker. Because you and your baby won't share enough bodily fluids in the months/years to come that you should suck out their boogers with your own mouth. Gee, no thanks.

That picture makes it look like she is giving the baby a tattoo. How cool!

You can spend hours at your favorite baby store and walk out with nothing. I honestly did that once, we were trying to get ideas and we left more confused than when we had started. Way to go Babies (backward R) Us. Sure, I could spend time and space giving you great ideas about the things that you really need, but isn't it more fun to make those mistakes on your own? Spend hundreds of dollars on crap you will set up but never use? My one suggestion is keep some of the other stuff in boxes with receipts for when you come to your senses that the electric bottle warmer for the car is just not needed.

Really, if you want to make your registry useful, just get a mountain of diapers. Thank me later.

Save The World's Largest Rectal Thermometer *OR* How Bun Boy Nearly Killed Me

Happy New Year from your friends at Downward Brent Lee, your internet headquarters for everything Brent Lee related. Yup, it's a small store, but we are potent. Like skunk spray.

With a new year comes new responsibilities. Your friends at Downward Brent Lee will try to update with a bit more regularity, but we promise nothing. Brent will take on new responsibilities as a new father to little Carl. Let's see how awkward he can make holding a baby look.

2013 brings some interesting news, one of the favorite topics here at Downward Brent Lee is in danger and needs our help. I'm not talking about Vanilla Ice, I think he is doing fine turning hipster and remodeling homes. No, I'm talking about the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer in beautiful Baker, CA. Situated in the middle of the drive between Las Vegas and Los Angeles, the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer stands as a beacon to all that is good to be found in Baker. I can tell you from experience though, that it does not point to Bun Boy, the world's only hamburger laced with radioactive waste. As mentioned in previous posts, Greg and this author ventured to the Bun Boy to partake in their widely advertised burgers. Not only did it take 30 minutes to bring a burger to our table (there were only 6 people in the restaurant), but somehow this burger was burned to a near-coal-like texture and retained heat as only a ceramic pot coming out of the kiln could. And somehow, through a legitimate miracle, that heat stayed with it as it was forced down our collective throat and settled, like a hot coal, in the stomach. This author had never wanted to get to Vegas so quickly in his life.

Back to the topic at hand, next door to the world's most reactive burger, stands the mighty edifice of the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. It stands to tell travelers that the desert is either really freakin' hot or downright freezing. There seems to be no in-between.

The sad news here folks is that this unneeded structure is being sold. You can get a thermometer, some land, and a gift shop all for $1.75 million. It's a bargain at twice the price. What else says "Welcome to the World, Little Carl!" like a giant thermometer that can be seen from the I-15? Nothing, I tell you, nothing! So B, you must buy this and put it in your front yard.

Three stacks, a rock, and a giant thermometer!

Let's save this great landmark and relocate the thing to the beautiful central coast of California.

Proud Day

Proud day here at Downward Brent Lee for two reasons.

1. We've surpassed 7,000 page views. Sad little world, isn't it?

2. If you Google the phrase "world's largest rectal thermometer" this blog is the first result!

Wow, what an accomplishment. Thanks to Baker, CA for providing....this.

Getting Dapper *OR* Miami Vice Is Back....Again

Since the bachelor party is over I guess we have to focus on the actual wedding now and all of those last minute details. As a groomsdude, I am moderately busy making hotel reservations and trying to figure how to get to this wedding. I'm working on my spray tan and getting all juiced up for the pictures.

Greg and I did go today to get fitted for the wedding tuxedo. It has been a long time since I have had to rent a tux, so I was surprised that we didn't have to even try them on. The woman helping us though was not in the mood to deal with our rapid-fire humor. Basically she was a big downer. I think I'm going to have to go tanning to get over this depression.

Brent never told us what the tuxes look like, so guess what a shock it was to see this coat get draped over my beefy shoulders.

I look pretty good in a white coat and this should go well with green and it is a nice throwback to Miami Vice.

As Greg and I were checking out how awesome we would look in a few weeks, we decided that tuxedos are just so...plain. Basically you have a coat and pants with some shiny parts and a vest. There is no opportunity to be original or stand out in a crowd. Unless you look like James Bond and have an Aston Martin at your disposal, you need something extra. So while we were at the mall we may have done a little more shopping. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I can tell you that we are going to stand out. It will be a delightful, if not dapper, addition to an otherwise boring ensemble.

In other news, I bought them a wedding present. Again, I can't ruin the surprise here (I'll tell you next week), but I may have found something not on the registry. And yes, it is something that every household needs. It certainly fills a void that you may not have known was there. I will give you a hint, it actually does appear in this blog in an earlier post. And no, it is not this:

We Survived, Sorta...

The good news is that everyone has made it home from Vegas. The bad news is that I think we broke Paul. Of course, now that I am home, I might be broken as well.

We had a good time and after realizing that the four of us had not been together like that in about 10 years, it has been decided that we need to do it again soon. But next time I might need some energy drinks to be able to keep up.

B hooked us up with some great rooms at the Aria hotel and we ate steak every night. Could there be anything worse for your heart? Possibly not, but you only live once, right? It goes without saying that we ate like kings. Fat kings, but kings nonetheless.

So here is a quick recap for those interested in living vicariously through some 30-somethings:
Day 1: Greg and I drove from LA while B and Paul drove from SLO. Greg and I pulled off at Zzyzx Road.

 There is some amazing stuff down there. A cool salt flat and some interesting views.

 Then, of course, you hit Baker, CA and the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. It has seen better days it seems.

Here is where Greg and I made a horrible decision. We have always seen Bun Boy from the road and wondered what it was all about. So we took a risk and headed inside. Huge space and we were 2 of about 6 patrons in the place. We ordered hamburgers. Simple, right? Well, it took about 20 minutes for them to arrive. When they did they were about as hot as the surface of the sun and had been cooked to a near-hockey puck texture. Neither of us finished the world's worst burger and left feeling like putting an hot iron to our tongue would have been a better decision. 2 hours later and it still felt like I had a glowing ember in my gut. So here is our travel top tip: Don't eat at Bun Boy.

Arrival and hanging out. Dinner at Tom Colicchio's Craftsteak. Great space, great food. If you want to roll large, try the $265 wagu steak. What goes well with steak? Fireworks! So we head 30 minutes north of Las Vegas into the desert at around 11:30pm to the Moapa Travel Plaza to buy some fireworks. The great thing is that you can light them off just a few seconds down the road.

 We were there until about 1:00am blowing up about $200 worth of fireworks. We did not make all that mess you see out there, it was quite a mess before we got there.

Day 2: "Early" morning wake-up to get some old-fashioned straight edge razor shaves at the Art of Shaving.

Granted, in this picture it does kind of look like a doctor checking a corpse, but trust me, B and Paul are under those towels and very much alive. Afterwards we walked around for a bit and went back to the room to watch some football and relax. B made us get all dressed up and head over to Prime Steakhouse for night 2 of meat. After about 3 hours of expensive gluttony, we moved on and B danced for some Russian girls. That last part may be incorrect as I was not there.

Day 3 came a bit later and we grazed on a muffin while thoughts of grass-fed beef danced in our heads. We headed out to Boulder City. Why? To fly down 1.5 miles of cable dangling over the side of Bootleg Canyon. Yes, we did the Bootleg Canyon Flightlines! You get moving up to around 50 mph while you zip over your impending doom and death.

Your motley crew

Looking down at the first run

The brakes

B getting ready to fly

B is trying to cheat

Masters of the mountain

This was a lot of fun and there was no spinning around in circles involved (inside joke). We all agreed that this was something that we would do again. If you get the chance, head out and do it. It is very safe and a lot of fun.

Our last night was spent doing what else but eating steak! Yes, we did a trifecta of meat and finished off at Delmonico Steakhouse, one of Emeril's places. I really enjoyed the food there a lot and we had a nice time. The service was very warm and friendly. But B might rank some of the patrons as a 3...hard to explain.

We had a great time overall and are looking forward to doing it again before another decade passes us by. There are more pictures and some video out there and once I get them, I will put them on the blog for all 4 people who read this thing to check out.

It Is My Turn To Make It Big

<-------NEW POLL. CHECK IT OUT!


If anyone follows blogs in general and entertainment, you might be aware that many blogs are being turned into books, television series, and movies. Only in America can the ramblings of an angry shut-in who spends all day eating M&Ms and drinking RC Cola get a bigger deal than the $40 a month he was making off his little blog.

Bing Crosby thinks RC Cola tastes best!

What does this mean for Downward Brent Lee? Are we getting picked up by CBS to make a television show like $#*! My Dad Says? No. I can't imagine this would ever become a tv show. Who would play B? I think Ben Savage should play B. Corrin will be played by Danielle Fishel. What can I say? Those kids had chemistry on Boy Meets World, let's bring them back together.

Okay, waaaaay off topic. As mentioned yesterday, Greg thought of a great idea to celebrate the wedding of B and Corrin. How about a Downward Brent Lee book? Yes, you too can recreate the many months of endless blog posting about random topics like Vanilla Ice, Carl, and the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer! This beautiful hardbound book can be yours simply by attending the wedding. At over 200 pages, this will certainly be a page-turner. Page-turner, what a stupid phrase. How else are you going to get through a book other than turning pages? Seriously people. Just like "ice cold." If it was cold as ice, it would be frozen! Think about it.

Back to the book. Let's think of some chapters.

1. The history of B in 4 words or less
2. How to give B crap
3. How to give Paul crap
4. How to give Paul crap about B
5. How Greg & Jave give crap to Paul & B
6. B hit some cows with a firetruck
7. Paul travels, but where is the Shutterfly web album?
8. B gets married- people do the Roger Rabbit
9. Jave tackles a blog
10. All rejoice as B and Corrin get married
11. Where is Carl?

As you can tell, some of these chapters are out of order, but I think I have a good outline going here. Look for the Downward Brent Lee book in your local independent book seller, or Amazon.com.

Thanks as always for stopping by. Click on the links. Tell your friends. Send me cookies.

The Worlds Largest Rectal Thermometer

Today's post is brought to you by Greg Kathol and the letter "R"

Baker, CA – Temperature, 134 degrees under sunny skies. Yes, Baker California is home to the World’s Largest Rectal Thermometer. If you’ve driven or flown over the place, you know just how stunning it is, rocks and dirt everywhere. The approach from the 15 is rather breathtaking. As you drive in to this destination, you see off in the distance the beacon, standing tall and true. A sentinel, a monument of grandeur it is.

A little about the thermometer and B. It stands 134 ft tall (the thermometer), B is only around 6’. Its highest temperature the thermometer reads recalls that profound day when a United States of America record was set for the hottest temperature ever recorded, 134 degrees (Ok, so it was in nearby Death Valley, but who cares) Baker is still located in the southern end of Death Valley so it practically makes them brothers. Old Faithful is situated next to Bun Boy, an old and now shut down restaurant, sigh. It was built by Young Electric Sign Company of Salt Lake City, Utah in 1991 and still stands to this day, remarkable. B still stands to this day too. A wonder, due to his affection of the great temperature stick B has visited this “hot spot” for years. Justin, Paul and myself included, have traveled to this location on many an occasion. If we are ever traveling alone we will call or text each other about it, really we will. I know, it sad, but it keep us entertained, but not out of trouble. My sister Toni (Antoinette) will even call and text about it when she visits. This place really transcends all, doesn’t it!

The World’s Largest Rectal Thermometer (by the way, this is a link to its Facebook Page, Crazy I know!) stands as a testament to our foe-ship; I mean friendship with Brent Lee. Why am I painting such a vivid picture of this place, you ask? Because I suggest we make this place a special place by giving it our patronage and its 900 or so residents something to talk about by hosting B and Corrin’s wedding here. Or at least make it the destination of our bachelor party. We could hit up the 76 gas station, A&W root beer or travel out to the dirt piles of Silurian Valley - Devil’s Playground. I couldn’t finish without giving honorable mention to Zzyzx, a road we always give a nod to as we zoom past at highway speed or fly over. B, don’t worry we’ve got your back!

Incidentally, Baker and it’s thermometer is about 65 miles from Barstow and 50 miles from Stateline, NV, so it really is in the middle of nowhere!