BORING *OR* Let's Do Something Different

Weddings are fairly predictable. Guy stands there, girls walks to him, we laugh as little children walk. They stand while some other guy says stuff. They all recite words, rings get passed along, there is a kiss, the couple is announced and they go off on their merry way.

This is just like a remake of Knight Rider. Or 90210. We've seen it all before. Take something nice and continue to do it until we don't even think about it anymore. Well, to that I say "PBBBSSSTTTT!"

I think we can spice this up a little bit, bring in some unique traits to the wedding of B and Corrin. Here's how I would change the ceremony.

• Groom enters on cow-splattered fire truck with hoses blasting toward crowd. Already we have thrown tradition out the window.
• Bride makes her way down the aisle in Lady Gaga-inspired egg thing.

• Groomsdudes fly in on gliders in steep descent.
• Bridesmaides ride in like a motorcycle gang on bigwheels. 

•  Officiator is actually Gary Busey via Skype.

•  At random times during the ceremony people are encouraged to yell out "DAAAR-RYL" like an old Dodger game when Darryl Strawberry used to play.

•  Wedding guests are given confetti eggs to throw at their leisure.
• Guns N' Roses music is piped into the sound system throughout the ceremony.
• Flowers are replaced with tri-tip.

Some of these ideas would really keep people interested and make this wedding the most talked about wedding since Kate and Will- they were just some people I knew and I talked about their wedding for about an hour.

How Dare You *OR* You Can't Say That

To help the casual wedding goer, I am putting together a list of faux pas that should be avoided at any wedding. This will most likely be a two-parter blog entry (like you really care). And since I just write these things without any editing, we'll see where it goes and if we even need a second posting. Can't you tell the production values here are just top notch? I'm like the California budget, I exist, people are worried, but nobody wants to do anything about. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan's career! HA!

So here are some topics and words that you should avoid during the wedding of B and Corrin. Some may be taboo topics and some might just rile the feathers of certain wedding party members (I'm talking about Paul here, he is very sensitive).

• Spooge. This goes without saying. You just can't talk about spooge at a wedding. Gross.
• Gentleman's juice/ gentleman's sausage. See the reasoning above.
• Baby batter. While amusing, it lacks tact. Seriously people, class it up.
• Previous past girlfriends/boyfriends. However, you may bring up Tasha Pounders and Melissa whatever-her-last-name was. I know I do.
• Cows. I think this one speaks for itself.
• Paul's fascination with sheep. We simply can't tackle this love in one wedding.
• This blog. Shh, it is a secret and only 1,600 people seem to know about it. Let's let it be a surprise for B and Corrin.
• Filet-o-Fish from McDonald's. Only bring this up if you want to see Greg and myself get ill. Quickly.
• The Dodgers. Actually, we'll still be in spring training, so we can chat about this if you like.
• The triplets of Abernathy, Bernard and Carl. B seems to be a little touchy about this one.
• Vanilla Ice. I think there may be some trademark infringement about to happen.
• Oprah. I don't like her and neither should you. Simple as that.
• Nuclear holocaust. This is just a downer, why would you bring this up at a wedding?
• States that end in "ucky." I bet you are trying to think of how many states fit that bill. The answer is one. Good work there Carmen San Diego!
• My good looks. I don't want to overshadow B on his wedding day. But to give you a hint, this is typically how I look at weddings:

I LOVE weddings! Don't try to contain my excitement.

• Celine Dion. French-Canadian. Need I say more?
• Don't mention how much cooler this wedding would be if there were fire-throwers.
• Cheese.
• Charlie Sheen's downward spiral of shame and destruction. Granted, he may hit rehab by the time we reach the wedding. Or he may die. Only time will tell. I won't tell you which box I have in my office pool. Granted, it might help if I had an office...ok, off topic there.
• Rebecca Black's awesome music. I hold this dear to my heart and yet people seem to make fun of it. Like this one:

Ok, I think that covers things you shouldn't talk about at the wedding. Next we'll cover what you shouldn't DO at the wedding. I would keep an eye on Paul and Greg. I sense trouble brewing. And don't point your fingers at me, I'm innocent.

You will now note that you can "React" to the blog by checking boxes below. Knock yourself out.