I Object *OR* How To Ruin A Wedding

We've all seen those movies where something goes horribly wrong during the wedding. One of the wedding party is missing because they are tracking down a monkey who has one of the rings. An ex-boyfriend comes rushing in to yell "I object" from a high place within the church, which, of course, begs the question, couldn't he just use the main entrance and not waste time by climbing stairs? Someone lets a pet loose during the ceremony and, whoops, there goes the cake. Oh, the hilarity and oh, the humiliation for the bride and groom.

I am not saying that I want any of these things to happen to either B or Corrin. But think of the wealth of source material this would provide. We would all have stories to tell at our next dinner party! "Well, I was at a wedding recently and you will never guess what happened..." I might actually have something to contribute to a conversation instead of staring at the wall and hoping that this night will end soon and I won't be put on the spot and that no one will notice that I started to shove extra meatballs into my son's diaper bag for my future use. Too specific?

What we have to make sure happens though is that the photographer is able to document the situation like a National Geographic photojournalist. I want some beautiful pictures that put me in the moment. I want to feel the pain of Corrin and the horror of B. I want to access the anger that those involved feel.

To this end, I think we need to place some plants (not the foliage kind). I am going to encourage people that have a +1 one their invitation to bring people I choose. They will fit in, I promise. I might even try to do a match.com thing and find you an appropriate date. Yet, at the chosen moment they will instigate the proper distraction. It could range from a loud belch to a cherry bomb placed carefully in the cake.

Now, don't anyone else get any ideas here. I am a trained professional and it will not be appreciated in the appropriate fashion if anyone attempts this. I will have set the proper boundaries for behavior and mayhem.

I'll give you some hints here, only because I care. These 'events' have been sanctioned by myself and should not cause any more alarm than needed, and we certainly do not need to call the authorities again.

• As mentioned, a nice firecracker for the cake. KA-BOOM!
• Big Mexican wrestler takes out B in the middle of the vows. Hilarity ensues.
• Crazy PETA activist runs up to Corrin and throws red paint on her screaming "FUR IS MURDER!" not recognizing Corrin is not wearing any fur.
• Expensive catered meal is quickly replaced with Arby's sandwiches.
• Groomsmen, during a quiet moment, bring back the Superbowl Shuffle.

Flock of killer doves released at 5 minute intervals.

Pair of teenagers are paid to awkwardly make out during ceremony and reception.

Instead of Bridesmaids, B's former girlfriends walk down the aisle in hate-fueled rage.

Again, this is just a sample of the hilarity that may occur. I just want to keep everyone on their toes during the ceremony.

Phew, planning a wedding is difficult, but planning an interrupted wedding is even more difficult.