I've Heard Of A Shotgun Wedding, But A Vending Machine Wedding?

 

I have just saved B and Corrin thousands of dollars. I hope that they will send some of those savings over to me. Oh, you're wondering what on earth this pink thing is, aren't you? As you can clearly see, this is the AutoWed Wedding Machine. This is what the fine folks at Concept Shed have to say about it:

"An idea we had been dying to build for over a year, AutoWed is a novelty wedding machine offering a quick hitch, a couple of rings and a personalised certificate for just £1/$1. Audio prompts, specially produced music, a bespoke retro keyboard and VFD display, ring vending and ticket printer all wrapped up in a Cadillac-pink cabinet with shiny aluminium fittings. We built the unit shown here specially for Marvin's Marvellous Mechanical Museum in Detroit, USA.
Buy now - call us and we will build you one to order."

Where do you even start with this wonder of technology? Sure, we can send man to the moon, we have driverless cars (thanks Google), but is has taken us until 2011 to realize the full potential of the vending machine? Oh humanity, why do you let me down so often?

Who wants to deal with all the romance, show, and personalization of a wedding presided over by a real human? But who wants to deal with the hassles of getting married over Skype? This bad boy will vend you a ring AND it has a keyboard? Wow, that must be the deluxe model for sure. 

All this for a dollar? I can't buy a soda at a vending machine for a dollar and now they are going to offer me a wedding? Put a few of these things in Vegas and watch the divorce rate climb even higher! Right next to this machine, they should have an annulment one where you can return the ring. And next to that should be some sort of beverage dispenser. Heck, you could have quite a row of vending machines.

1. Beer machine
2. Hard alcohol machine
3. Prophylactic machine
4. AutoWed Wedding Machine
5. Photo booth
6. Champagne machine
7. Cake machine
8. Another prophylactic machine
9. Annulment machine
10. Airline ticket kiosk/check-in

It is kind of like the 5 stages of grief, just the 10 stages of a marriage.