What Do You Mean? I Always Take Off Clothes With My Teeth.

There are so many traditions at a wedding reception. Often, your too perky for morning television DJ will hustle you into a variety of situations that you never wanted to be placed in in the first place.
"Let's all do the YMCA!"
"Gather round now and stuff money down the bride's dress."
"Come on over single ladies and fight over some airborne flowers."
"Okay guys, time to catch some women's clothing."

It is about this last 'tradition' that I wish to address you today. The garter, a vestige of women's clothing that has been long deemed unnecessary. Somehow tradition has told us that the new groom, after having been humiliated enough by dressing in someone else's clothes, must now get on his hands and knees, dive underneath his bride's dress, and remove the garter wrapped around her leg with only his teeth.

Oh sure, it sounds easy. That is, until you get to the shoes, then all hell breaks loose. I was never a bride, but I can't imagine that this is something she wants to be a part of either. Her new groom is getting to places he wasn't going to get until later that evening, and he is doing it in front of her father.

Let's take this example here:

First off, you have the groom who seems to wearing his bow-tie on his head. Of course, we all know ties go around your neck. Strike one dude. You have his groomsdudes surrounding him like a posse ready to strike in case there is an emergency. Yes, this is the kind of backup you want from your groomsdudes, but I think this is one battle the groom must fight himself.

Then you have the bride. Somehow she has ended up on the floor, her expensive white dress collecting the dust from the floor like when you play crab soccer on the gym floor. She has been knocked over and her who-ha is being showcased to the entire wedding party. And then there are the bridesmaids, cackling about her, not sure whether to laugh, cry, or call the police.

Why does the groom have to take it off with his teeth? Do you ever remove your own clothes with your teeth? Is this really a prerequisite for marriage?

This guy looks like he is going under the hood to check on an instant reply in football. Either that, or he is about to change her oil. This just gets weird.

May I suggest that we simply skip this entire ordeal and move on to the cake?