Pack It Up, Pack It In *OR* Do I Really 4 Pairs Of White Nikes?

It is so close, I can taste it. Scratch that. It is so close, I can smell it. Yup, that sounds about right.  The bachelor party is nearly upon us. Let the mild-mannered debauchery begin!

It seems it will be me, Zach Morris, a small bale of hay, a pretzel, and some bottles of liquid. Just what I wanted.

With the trip being so close, I thought I would put together a handy packing list for B. This way, he knows exactly what to bring and can get a sense of what might be happening that weekend.

1. You have to bring your tear-away pants. Be sure to bring the fancy ones, I don't want it looking like you are about to jump on the basketball court. Thunder From Down Under keeps it classy.

2.  Hand sanitizer. I can't guarantee the cleanliness of the some of things that you will be doing. You don't want to catch a cold or anything.

3. Your inhaler. I don't think you have asthma, but when we're done with you, you might have trouble catching your breath.

4.  Road flares. You never know, do you?

5.  Cattle guard. I've seen you drive and we know you once ran through about 450 cows in one swipe. Better to be safe that sorry.

6.  Clothes pins. I can't tell you know what you need them for, but trust me.

7.  A small kite. I hear there is a nice long stretch of road. We might have a convertible. Who doesn't love kite flying from a convertible?

8.  $25,000 bail money. Again, better to be safe than sorry. But I did look up all the laws in Vegas and I think for about 85% of them, $25,000 should bail you out.

9.  Novelty t-shirt announcing bachelor party.

10. Throat lozenges. There will be screaming. Again, I can't tell you from what, but you'll feel it the next day.

Oh sure, you can bring toiletries and some clothes if you need. But as long as you follow my list, you should be just fine. Good luck little man.

The Odds Are In Your Favor *OR* You Can Count On It

It has been established that we are joining B in Las Vegas for his bachelor party. I'm sure you have some very distinct images of a bachelor party in Vegas. A little gambling, some drinking, a lot of saying "THIS GUY....THIS GUY HERE.....HE'S MY BEST FRIEND...AND I'LL FIGHT YOU ABOUT IT," maybe a strip club, and something to do with Mike Tyson.

This may or may not hold true for B's party. I guess some of us will just have to wait and see.

What is Vegas without some gambling? Sure, you could be a sucker and hit the tables or bet on the ponies. Me, I think I will bet on my friends. I've only known these guys for 20 years. I can predict their behavior and everything. So here is a list of things that will be happening while we are in Vegas. Granted, most of this could happen if we were in Branson or Duarte.

• Paul will wander off from the group [probably at least once a day].
• B will wake up before 8:00am and immediately want to eat.
• B & Paul will walk the Vegas strip before 8:30am, but not because they stayed up all night.
• Greg and I will sleep in until at least 9:30am. But not because we stayed up all night.
• I will complain about something at least once a day. Most likely the smoke in the Vegas.
• Red meat will be consumed. We will all regret it later that night. Pepcid, Tums, or GasX will be taken.
• B & Paul will turn their head at every siren they hear.
• Greg will examine the little flyers handed out in the street. Not because of what they advertise, but because of the type of paper and printing technique.
• I will flick Paul in the chest.
• B will regale us with stories about where he has taken Corrin. We will tune it out.
• We will all remember the time we went in the gliders and made loop after loop after loop.
• Greg and I will go the Ferrari dealership.
• B will be bringing a grip of singles to Thunder From Down Under and walk away empty handed and embarrassed. 
• We will meet a celebrity chef. I will talk about Top Chef with them.

Now, you can make your own bingo card and play along at home. Maybe I will tweet when these things happen. Feel free to make your own spaces and add your own speculations.

Don't forget, you'll have another opportunity to play bingo at the wedding. Just search this blog for it.

Turn It Up, It's Freedom Rock *OR* I Remember This Song, It Stinks!

Greetings from 2012. I'll bet your New Year's resolution was to read this blog more often and maybe even contribute an article. Let's make that happen, shall we?

With 2012 here we are in the wedding year of B and Corrin (also known as Radio). It's finally here and in a few short months I can abandon this blog and send it to the graveyard or have a funeral pyre.

You bring the marshmallows and I'll bring the gasoline.

Also with 2012 comes B's bachelor party. We've teased a bunch about activities and locations for this little event (keyword: little). As B knows, since he is making the reservations, we are headed off to Loss Vay Gus (that's Las Vegas to those outside of the know). Yes, Sin City. What better place for a Mormon guy like myself than a city that prides itself on sin and doing things that I can't do? Can you believe I've gone this entire blog without mentioning the Mormon thing? I can.

In anticipation of this event, I put together a little CD for B and the other groomsdudes and sent it off. This has all of your party rock favorites, some classics from our earlier days, and a few songs about Loss Vay Gus. It is such a good mix that I have good news for Radio: you don't need a DJ. Just put this CD on (or use the playlist) and let the evening roll on. It's got such hits as "Viva Las Vegas" from Elvis.



Oh sure, this isn't the Elvis version, but this may be better.

And then for the entrepanuer in all of us, there's the Reverend Horton Heat's "Bales Of Cocaine."



Classic song. Then there is a song that Greg and I used to try to sing, but I can't hit those high notes at all: Prince's "Kiss."


(I don't want to get sued by the sign formally known as Prince)

And then what Brent Lee event would be complete without some Vanilla Ice? It would be nothing, that's what. So of course, we had to include:



By the way, you know you're a badass when you spraypaint in neon colors.

Now that there is a soundtrack for our trip, we need to find some things to do. Sadly, I can't tell you now because it would spoil the surprise for B. I can give you two hints:
1. It start's with "T"
2. It rhymes with "Blunder from Down Under"

With a soundtrack like that, four guys like us, and a chance of seeing some of Australia's finest export it is sure to be an unforgettable weekend. Sorry B.

Last Post Of 2011 *OR* Why Change When I'm Perfect?

You didn't think I could let 2011 slip by without one more blog post, did you? I know that this blog has gone from multiple postings in a week to maybe 2 a month, but such is the life of a lonely blogger. I bet you can picture it now, surrounded by empty bags of potato chips listening to endless dance music in a poorly lit room surrounded by banks of computers and researchers bringing me facts and Red Bull.

Luckily for everyone, you would be wrong. I have a tiny alcove in a living room and I drink water. So there!

With the end of 2011, it comes time to make resolutions for the new year. Ways in which we can improve ourselves and not repeat the failures of past years. Yet, as I look back I realize that I'm perfect. I have been groomed well (in both senses of the word), I'm an intelligent fellow, I can use the word fellow without it seeming pompous, and there is nothing about me that needs changing. Full of myself you ask? Nope, just confident that I do not need to change.

Since I don't need any modification, let's move on to the happy couple, shall we? And as we all know that women know everything and don't need to change (um, yeah....), let's focus on B. So here is a list of resolutions that I have compiled for B for 2012.

• Stop licking envelopes for fun. The danger of a papercut is simply too much.
• Be sure to send more cash to my groomsdudes. $250/week should do it.
• Learn to embrace the idea that dinner does not need to be eaten at 4:30pm. 
• Triplets! B is going to father triplets in 2012. Need I remind you of their names? Abernathy, Bernard, and Carl.
• Help Vanilla Ice reclaim his star status. Encourage him to get a morning talk show. Show the happy side of Mr. Ice.
• Stop being afraid of cities larger than 5,000 people. Los Angeles is a fine place to visit.
• Let the subscription to Oprah's magazine not get renewed. Move on to Rachel Ray.
• Stop crying at the end of "Wall-E."
• Eat more shrimp.
• Wear more Ed Hardy.
• Dance like no one is watching. But know that we are.
• Grow a cool firefighter/80's porn star mustache.
• Start calling Corrin by her pet name: "Batgirl."
• Did he write those checks to his groomsdudes yet? A wire transfer will be fine.
• Listen to a little less Celine Dion and move on to Enya or John Tesh.

This is a good start for 2011. There may be more, but at the rate I blog, I doubt it. See you in 78 days!

There's A Social Recluse On My Roof *OR* Whoa There Fat Man, You're Fine, But The Reindeer Have To Go

Just take a moment to enjoy the title of that blog please.

I'll wait.

Good stuff eh?

I thought so.

Christmas is nearly upon us and we should double check our list to make sure that we have done all we needed to:

• Tried to be creative but just broke down and bought gifts on people's lists? CHECK! 
• Dragged dead tree inside and illuminated the sucker? CHECK!
• Placed trinkets on said dead tree? CHECK!
• Hung hosiery on fireplace so someone can stuff things inside? CHECK!
• Made various pastries for others but eaten the majority myself? CHECK!
• Jacked up my electricity bill by placing lights on the outside of house? CHECK!
• Survive windstorm? CHECK!
• Had at least three people crash into me at the mall because they are looking at other things? CHECK!
• Lugged boxes out of storage so I can put 80% of my stuff away to put out random trinkets around my house? CHECK!

Ok, it looks like I am ready for Christmas. Now to drag my family around to about 52 different locations between Christmas Eve and Christmas.

If you want a treat, come see me sing on Christmas at church. I'll be in the choir and be holding down the bass in a quartet. Guaranteed opportunity to make fun of your favorite blogger.

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another *OR* Prank My House, Please

Hi there, long time, no blog. Not that you care. Will this wedding ever get here, I am really running dry on topics for this blog.

In speaking with B the other week, he mentioned that I might be able to hang at his house after the wedding. I am sure the dear followers of the blog know what kind of a mistake that invitation was. I made no commitment to the idea yet, but I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. I didn't want to get into some binding legal agreement. Granted, B did say that I could only stay there if I promised to not do anything to the house. Now really, where is the fun in that? I know we have covered some ideas before, but I think I can go another step forward. So what other pranks can we pull on B & Corrin's (Radio) house when they are away on their honeymoon? Glad you asked.

Sure, we could go traditional and do the Jell-O in the bathtub, but it seems so played out. So how about a bathtub of Cheetos?

This would be horrible for me, as I don't like Cheetos at all.

And yes, you could move all the furniture around, but how about you put it on the ceiling? I think I would have to rent a nail gun for this, which makes it all the more fun.

Speaking of fun, what kid hasn't wished that their house was a castle? And what castle is complete without a moat? That's right, no castle worth it's salt doesn't have a moat! This is great, because I get to rent a backhoe with this one.

Maybe I'm thinking too small. I've always liked Radio's house, but wished it was just somewhere else. Let's just move the entire thing to Currie, NV. It shouldn't take that long.

Too big? Let's scale back and just wrap the house in a fumigation tent but use a lot of glue. This way we keep the house safe and insulated for their return.

My guess is that they won't be driving to their honeymoon destination, so both cars might be there. Hmmm, I wonder how many Geo Metros I could get for their cars?

Who wouldn't want a fleet of practical, fuel efficient cars? I am sure that B wouldn't be laughed out of the fire house on that one.

Which one will I do? Who says it will only be one? Check back in late March and I'll give you the lowdown on what happened.

Rules, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Rules *OR* Put Down That Phone

In my continuing quest to bring you the 223rd best blog on the internet, I am always doing research. I crash some weddings, I host some wedding showers, I shop for tuxedos, and I go to the epicenter of the relationship between B and Corrin. That's right, I go to Morro Bay, home of not one, not two, but three stacks and one rock.

 I spoke with one of the other groomsdudes and B's brother, Paul. Of course the conversation steered itself toward our vacation. Collectively, the groomsdudes, who are all married and have children, simply need a vacation. If B wants to come along we can call it a bachelor party. If B does decide to join, we have all agreed that there must be some ground rules for our time wherever we go. So B, pay attention, stop watching reruns of 90210 and take some notes here.

• Married guys get as much phone time as they like. You, however, get 20 minutes per day, to be decided upon by the groomsdudes. You might get all 20 minutes at one time, you might only get about 30 seconds. You never know, but we'll let you know when you can use your phone. Otherwise your phone must be surrendered to a groomsdude.
• Your wardrobe will be chosen by the groomsdudes. You will wear what has been chosen. Don't bother packing any clothes, we have you covered...literally.
• Bring your wallet. There is a good chance you will be footing the bill for everything.
• Should Greg and I have our way, you will only be eating condiments and packets of saltines at all meals.
• There is a good chance you will be going to an all-male revue of some sort. You will go. You will not say anything. Otherwise, you will become part of the all-male revue.
• You will take all abuse, verbal and physical, with a smile. We may taunt you quite a bit about running into cows. Just smile.
• Should we allow you to drink alcohol, Jave gets to choose it. Remember it has been 10 years since he had a drink and he isn't so familiar with what is good anymore. Enjoy your watered down generic beer.

• You might be sleeping in a bathtub. Deal with it. If you don't complain, we will give you a pillow.
• At any time you may be asked to do either the Roger Rabbit or the Running Man. You will comply.
• Karaoke bars will be open. Just keep that in mind.
• Wherever we end up, it is a long walk back to Morro Bay. Wear some comfortable shoes.
• Your music selections will be between Marcy Playground and Kris Kross. Choose wisely.

Failure to adhere to any of these rules will result in sheer mayhem during the wedding. And guess who you would have to answer to for that. If you guessed Corrin, you would be correct. The rules have been laid out, it is now in your hands. Remember, anything else would be "wiggidity, wiggidity, wiggidity, wack!"

We Have Contact! *OR* Spend More Money On Me

Gather around folks, it's true story time. This week's episode is brought to you by the movie From Justin To Kelly.

Moving on, Brent Lee himself called me this past week. Sure, this may not sound like much to you, but considering he never calls and hardly sends a text or an email, this was a big break-through. You might think we only talked about horsepower and chicks, but it turns out that B does not really care much for horsepower. Therefore, we can assume he has never seen Top Gear and is about to lose his man-card.

 

Anyways, he informs me that I should think about making reservations at some hotel where they think they are having the wedding. I guess he hasn't been reading the blog, because I think we have opened up some alternative locations. Yes, you better hurry and make your reservations for a hotel nearly 6 months in advance to beat the St. Patrick's Day rush. Hey, I haven't even received the official invitation yet and you want me to make reservations? And wait, why am I paying to stay in some hotel to come to your wedding? Isn't that your responsibility? When I invite someone to my home for dinner, I don't make them bring dinner. Something must change here.

If that isn't enough, I am now informed that some guy with a pretty good beard has got to measure me for a tuxedo. 

 Again, I thought that we had explored some other options that were quite a bit more comfortable than wearing a tie, vest, coat, and someone else's shoes. And here comes the kicker, B wants me to pay for that too! Wait just a minute here, are you saying that none of my suits are good enough for you? I look pretty darn good in them and I have a wide variety of ties to choose from. This is all quite tragic.

Yes, the conversation turned elsewhere and we caught up on some things and discussed his Halloween costume, which I did not know was going to be shiny. 

I would not trust that man to pilot my red wagon, let alone an airplane. Did you know he once hit about 12 cows while driving a firetruck? Yup, this is your state money here folks.

Here's to waiting to hear from B until February when the groomsdudes go on a vacation and we see if B decides to tag along and call it his "bachelor party."

Skip The Toast, More Wilco! *OR* What Has The Stig Done For Me Lately?

You've waiting patiently and here we go, a new blog entry today. Of course, the problem becomes what on earth to write about?

Some of the Lee clan was down in the civilized world this past weekend to associate with their friends and of course the topic turned to the wedding. I asked Paul about his speech, to see if he had any ideas, because I don't want to trample on his speech with my own. Greg was interested as well, because we all need to be unique. Of course, this will be difficult when we are each trying to fill in our allotted toast time of 40 minutes or so. I was thinking I may put together a multimedia presentation.

I hope there is a big enough room for a screen this size. I've got some great pictures that will look amazing at 40' wide. I guess the issue now is what to talk about. I assume that Paul will actually talk about B and Corrin, so there is no need to rehash that old subject. Greg could talk about a variety of things, but I really hope he presents his "Top Gear" thesis.

I think I may try to cover the career of alternative rock darlings, Wilco.

I am pretty sure the folks at the wedding will appreciated being enlightened about some of the more important aspects of the art culture in the modern day.

Too often we get a bit too involved in the bride and groom at the wedding. Life still goes on and they need to learn it is not always about them. You can have your few moments, but let's talk about some of the bigger things in life, shall we? And darnit, you are going to sit there for the entire time that each of us is speaking and you are going to take notes. You will be turning in those notes at the end of the wedding and be graded.

So sit back, relax, enjoy the presentations and don't worry, the beef won't get that cold.

Nevada, Here We Come *OR* Currie, You Will Be The Death Of Me

I had the pleasure of dining with the other groomsdudes and their wives a few nights back. Did I mention we did this without children? It was glorious for that fact alone. I think we spent about 3 hours having a very leisurely dinner and no one ate any Cheerios.

Not my child.

And of course the talk came around to the upcoming wedding and the expectations that we all held. We did agree that it would be a lot more fun if there were a bounce house involved, not for the kids, but the "adults." I was led to believe that this could be a fairly rowdy wedding, unlike that dullard Kate & Will wedding...BOOOORING!

As the groomsdudes kept stuffing their faces and watching Paul inflate like a blowfish to some allergic reaction, we made some executive decisions about the bachelor party. (Please note I have resisted the urge to put a picture of someone with a swollen face here and make rude comments.) But we have decided to keep most of this hidden from B, so I can't really spoil too much here.

I can say that anything he has a preconceived notion about is completely wrong. He thinks we are going to Nevada, that is correct. But he thinks Vegas. HA! We're actually headed to Currie, NV!

Haven't heard of Currie? I feel sorry for you. Right there in the Northeastern corner of Nevada is one of the finest cities that the American West has to offer. Named after Joseph Currie, the city was founded in 1885 and lives on to this day with a population hovering around 20. Yes, you read that right, twenty. Luckily for us, the majority of the town is for sale. Can you imagine owning a part of Nevada history? 20 acres containing Goshute Mercantile, the bar, adjoining house, cabins, RV park, garage, historic buildings, and corrals.

I've always wanted to own a town, what a great opportunity. And think of the raging party we can have there. We could....um.....camp. Yup, camp and....um....check out the bar, and.....um.....see the corral. Seriously, Google Map it. Zoom in here and head down to highway 93, you get a good sense of what this town holds. Luckily for B, gambling is legal here. Of course, the question becomes, will B come back? It could be pretty easy to lose him in a town of nearly 20.