I'll Drink To That *OR* Another Toast

I previously wrote a toast for B and Corrin. It was good, trust me. But I think I have stumbled upon another idea, so bear with me here. If I don't give this toast, feel free to use it at showers, bachelor(ette) parties, rehearsal dinners and the like. Hey, if they get it more than once it might actually mean something.

Hi there! I'm [insert your name here] and I am [insert relationship to either B or Corrin]. I've known [choose either B or Corrin] for [insert years you have known that person] years. As the [insert wedding title], I feel that I am the most qualified to give this toast. When I heard that B and Corrin had started dating, I said to myself, "Self: it is about time that they found someone. I mean, neither of them is getting any younger and if I have to wait any longer to be a [insert wedding title] in [choose either B or Corrin] wedding, I might just go follow Vanilla Ice on tour, like a Deadhead. Luckily for Mr. Ice, we did not have to resort to that. I've been privileged to watch [choose either B or Corrin] fall in love. Oh sure, I've never seen anyone over 14 years old text that much, but such is the cost of love. It was obvious that they had something special and it wasn't a disease [wait for muted laughter]. Now, as I am sure you know, both B and Corrin work for CalFire and are responsible for our safety. I know what you are all thinking, "Eek, had I known that, I would have moved to Nebraska" [wait for laughter, explain joke if needed], but let me assure you, they take their jobs very seriously. Let's not talk about work, that is not what we are here for [place plug for yourself that you are available for hire for wedding and bat mitzvahs, but not bar mitzvahs]. Let me tell you a little bit about B and Corrin. B is prone to accidents. He seems to crash into things, hard. In high school he crashed into a pole in the locker room, and I'm not talking about that kind of pole [wait for people to get the crude joke]. His nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his right. About two weeks later his nose was smashed by a baseball coming from his left. You'll note how asymmetrical his nose is now! Later in his life, he smashed into not one, not two, but three cows with a firetruck. And now he has smashed into loving Corrin [wait for loving sighs]. Corrin is a woman with a big heart, but don't worry nurses, she is getting it taken care of [laugh yourself so people get the joke]. Seriously though, she cares a lot [cue DJ to play Faith No More's hit 'We Care A Lot']. She cares about who Rascal Flatts performs music with. Okay, I am getting the cut it out sign from multiple people in the room, so I should wrap this up. I just want to say to [choose second closest relation between B or Corrin] congratulations, you are getting a wonderful friend in [choose closest relation]. I know that you two will be happy for the rest of your lives, much like [choose yourself if you are married, or choose some people who are happily married]. Cheers, and don't forget, I really am available for bat mitzvahs!