We're Back (Again) *OR* You're Gonna Need Some Bleach

It's been about two years since we last tried to update the ol' Downward Spiral blog. Does this mean that we ran out of ideas? Possibly. But it mostly means that we actually forgot about this and just assumed the monkeys would keep writing. Damn monkeys didn't produce a darn thing. Sometimes you can't find any good help.

So why come back? Well, if the Axl Rose and Slash can make up, so can we. Granted, we weren't upset at the blog, but it seemed like a good reference. And by now, shouldn't Axl give up on the ratty long hair? Sure, Slash has his signature look, but Axl. come on. It's 2015, not 1985. Let's update that look.

I'll bet you are wondering what has been going on with the Bovines & Incendiaries group. Well, I'll tell you. Um, not much. I think since last time we have added another baby and a dog. That's really about it.

And thus concludes blog updates for 2015. Thanks for taking the time to check out pictures of monkeys and Axl. No real Vanilla Ice updates or World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. Maybe next time.

We Interrupt This Blog For An Important Announcement!

YES!!!!! This exists! If you go to www.lightslightsbaby.com you will see the next step in home lighting design...lights by America's hero: Vanilla Ice. Well, maybe not America's hero, but certainly the hero of Downward Brent Lee.

Check back soon for a relevant blog entry.

What Happens When You Give A Baby A Gun *OR* Let's Get Registered

Greetings from Downward Brent Lee headquarters; the top of the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. Please don't buy this building, it's the only thing we have left!

 This week, we have a very special blog for you. And once I write it, I'll let you know what the heck it is about...................(still thinking).........................(still thinking)......................oh, I got it, today is all about the baby registry.

Who doesn't like getting free stuff all because you got knocked up? If you think about it, this is a weird thing to give a gift for, but it seems that we do it all the time. Just think about your birthday. We're celebrating the fact that your mother got knocked up and you get presents. Pretty sweet gig I say.

The registry is the chance to run around with a gun and point it at things that you think you want and need. This all sounds great until you have the kid and you realize that the wipe warmer you asked for is about the dumbest thing in the world. All the baby cares about is that it has a clean diaper, not that you coddled it's hindquarters with a luke-warm baby wipe. Or one of my personal favorites is the booger sucker. Because you and your baby won't share enough bodily fluids in the months/years to come that you should suck out their boogers with your own mouth. Gee, no thanks.

That picture makes it look like she is giving the baby a tattoo. How cool!

You can spend hours at your favorite baby store and walk out with nothing. I honestly did that once, we were trying to get ideas and we left more confused than when we had started. Way to go Babies (backward R) Us. Sure, I could spend time and space giving you great ideas about the things that you really need, but isn't it more fun to make those mistakes on your own? Spend hundreds of dollars on crap you will set up but never use? My one suggestion is keep some of the other stuff in boxes with receipts for when you come to your senses that the electric bottle warmer for the car is just not needed.

Really, if you want to make your registry useful, just get a mountain of diapers. Thank me later.

Save The World's Largest Rectal Thermometer *OR* How Bun Boy Nearly Killed Me

Happy New Year from your friends at Downward Brent Lee, your internet headquarters for everything Brent Lee related. Yup, it's a small store, but we are potent. Like skunk spray.

With a new year comes new responsibilities. Your friends at Downward Brent Lee will try to update with a bit more regularity, but we promise nothing. Brent will take on new responsibilities as a new father to little Carl. Let's see how awkward he can make holding a baby look.

2013 brings some interesting news, one of the favorite topics here at Downward Brent Lee is in danger and needs our help. I'm not talking about Vanilla Ice, I think he is doing fine turning hipster and remodeling homes. No, I'm talking about the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer in beautiful Baker, CA. Situated in the middle of the drive between Las Vegas and Los Angeles, the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer stands as a beacon to all that is good to be found in Baker. I can tell you from experience though, that it does not point to Bun Boy, the world's only hamburger laced with radioactive waste. As mentioned in previous posts, Greg and this author ventured to the Bun Boy to partake in their widely advertised burgers. Not only did it take 30 minutes to bring a burger to our table (there were only 6 people in the restaurant), but somehow this burger was burned to a near-coal-like texture and retained heat as only a ceramic pot coming out of the kiln could. And somehow, through a legitimate miracle, that heat stayed with it as it was forced down our collective throat and settled, like a hot coal, in the stomach. This author had never wanted to get to Vegas so quickly in his life.

Back to the topic at hand, next door to the world's most reactive burger, stands the mighty edifice of the World's Largest Rectal Thermometer. It stands to tell travelers that the desert is either really freakin' hot or downright freezing. There seems to be no in-between.

The sad news here folks is that this unneeded structure is being sold. You can get a thermometer, some land, and a gift shop all for $1.75 million. It's a bargain at twice the price. What else says "Welcome to the World, Little Carl!" like a giant thermometer that can be seen from the I-15? Nothing, I tell you, nothing! So B, you must buy this and put it in your front yard.

Three stacks, a rock, and a giant thermometer!

Let's save this great landmark and relocate the thing to the beautiful central coast of California.

Prepping For Carl *OR* How To Write A Blog On Little Sleep

Don't get used to the double posts in one week, I can't imagine that this will happen again. However, we here at Downward Brent Lee are working on little sleep and we wanted to experiment with what kind of crummy blog post we could write while under the influence of night. See, what does that even mean; "under the influence of night"? Stellar stuff. I hope that all the professional bloggers out there are paying attention.

The home office was a little disruptive last night, both Downward children were upset at various points of the evening. One thought that midnight would be a good time to need some attention. Then the other one thought that while you try to put her down that she would scream as if some creepy child just joined them on a Brazilian elevator.

They basically took turns seeing which parent would snap first. The joke is on them, we snapped long before they came along!

The best way to combat this lack of sleep is to just go for it. Sure, commute that 45 minutes on busy freeways in heavy fog, that seems about right. Find as many important documents you can write while at work. Better yet, find some heavy machinery to operate.

What does all of this mean for Radio (Brent & Corrin)? It means welcome to a life that is no longer your own. You will become slaves to the whims of your hungry and/or pooping children. Don't get me wrong, there are some good times, like when you get away for a weekend or the kids sleep all day, but other than that....um....yup, I've got nothing.

 

Let's see, did we accomplish what we set out to with this blog update? I doubt it and honestly, the mark of a serious blogger is the lack of passion for their project. I think we've nailed that!

And We're Back *OR* How Paul Made This Happen

Well friends, it has been about 9 months since we last posted anything here on Downward Brent Lee, and, gosh darnit, we didn't miss a thing. The home office was cleaned out and we finally got rid of the monkey problem.

We've been taking our well deserved post-wedding break. Heck, we even resisted the temptation to blog about Toni & Chris during their wedding ramp up. But we remembered that we are here for B & Corrin (or Radio as they have been coined). Oh, I could talk about the fact that this writer spent nearly two months as a single dad or how this writer now has a beautiful daughter to go along with his son, but we won't.

Enough dilly and certainly enough dally, let's get to business!

Those of you on the interwebs have probably already heard that Radio is expecting a child later this year! Congrats to Radio, we are all excited to watch our crew continue to grow. Of course, this now means that any meetings between us all must be conducted at Chuck E. Cheese's.

"Psst, hey kid, there's better food over there"

Now, I must admit that I was a bit disappointed that there are not going to be triplets right off the bat, but there is always next time. So the question becomes, do they name the child Carl, Abernathy, or Bernard? I'm still rooting for Carl, as it seems only appropriate after all the work I have done.

When word first got out, this office offered cash to Radio to not find out if it was a boy or girl, and even more cash if they promised to name it Carl. Sadly, some people could not wait 7 months to find out what they were having and they ruined the surprise. That's fine, I guess they are just so rich that they don't need the immense financial backing of Downward Brent Lee.

So thanks to Paul for cleaning up the place and taking the cobwebs off of Downward Brent Lee. It's good to be back. I can guarantee that we've all gotten fatter and lazier, so don't expect a Christmas miracle, but there will be some posts. Especially since we are headed back to Vegas. Stay tuned!

Wedding Round Up *OR* I Thought This Blog Was Dead

It turns out I just can't stop, I've missed you all so much my faithful readers. When you do something for two years, you just can let it go. Plus, enough time has passed that I can give you my exclusive insider review of the spectacle known as the Brent Lee- Corrin Clark wedding.

My little family arrived in Paso Robles on Friday afternoon so that I could partake in the rehearsal and accompanying dinner. It goes without saying that the groomsdudes nailed it on the first go and needed no further practice. Paul behaved well enough to qualify himself for dinner, which is all he really cared about.

You may ask yourself why I was wearing a necklace. I am now asking that question too. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Since we all behaved well enough we went to dinner. The waitstaff seemed a bit perplexed with the idea of taking drink orders as random beverages appeared at various times in sundry locations. You never really knew what you were going to get. Food was served and people ate. My son was happy that there was bread.

 After dinner I have no idea where the bridesmaids went, and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. Especially since I think some "special" brownies were involved. The gents retired up to Paul's balcony and sat in the hot tub.

We're always a bundle of energy. We basically just told B that he was pretty hosed since he was getting married. Typical "scare-the-crap-out-of-the-groom-the-night-before-the-wedding" shtick. Oh and it started raining. A lot. And it was freaking cold. This outdoor wedding thing just wasn't going to happen.

The next morning brought about a lot of crummy weather. Greg and I ended up running some errands in B's truck and even went to his house. The temptation to mess up the house was great. We may or may not have done anything to the house. Antoinette would not believe us either way.

While the bridesmaids spent the entire day getting ready, the guys got ready in about 15 minutes. And then we looked like this:

Corrin told us we were not to look directly at anything, hence us looking off into the distance. Oh, and hey, remember when I told you that I had some things to spruce up our otherwise boring tuxedos? Can you say green socks? Oh yeah!

It was St. Patrick's day and it just made sense. You will also note that someone is not wearing the same type of shoes as everyone else. Paul deemed himself too precious to wear the other shoes. Thanks a lot Paul.

The wedding ended up indoors due to the rain.

Oh, I suppose I should talk about the bride and her gown. But, since I am a guy, I can't really tell you all that much. She looked lovely and seemed excited to marry B. Well, as excited as anyone would be to marry B. Sorry, that was kind of mean.

And then the reception hit and we were ready.

Yup, just four married guys hanging out in a hotel ballroom lobby while wearing tuxedos. Not married to each other mind you. Married to women. Different women. Ah, nevermind.

People were introduced. Food was eaten. People gave toasts. I introduced the newest iPhone. Oh wait, I gave a toast and yes, I did mention Vanilla Ice!

Paul sang a soul song and really got into it.

Greg, on the other hand, didn't say a word, just simply struck modeling poses. It was very effective.

And then there was dancing. Did I mention we didn't stop at the socks? Yup, there were headbands too. Don't say we don't know how to party, or accessorize.

What was weird is that B spent most of his time not dancing with his bride, but with this guy.

Not the cutest couple, but to each their own.

And sure, there were traditions. But I think they forgot other people were watching.

I did learn that Corrin knows how to boogie!

And she is a good sport. After the evening was essentially over, some of us retired back to Paul's room.

Be careful, or you might face the world's least intimidating gang.

All in all, a great time was had by all. Everything was well done and everyone had a great time celebrating B & Corrin. Congrats to the two of you.

Ok, now seriously, that is it. The blog is over. I'm done. This is unless, of course, we end up in Vegas in January. But don't hold your breath.

Say It Ain't So *OR* Back From The Dead

In case you haven't seen it before, here is the crotch-cam from Brent as he descends down the Bootleg Canyon Flightline. This was one of our "big" things while out in Vegas for his bachelor party. The music obscures his screaming.

Last Post Ever? Thank Goodness!

I think it may be time to close the door on the blog and let it stand for eternity. We started this little blog on October 3, 2010, a month after my son was born. He did make one appearance to my recollection, and of course, it is a terrible picture of him. Any of you friends with me on Facebook knows I have way too many pictures of him.

But really this blog was to have fun with Brent and Corrin's wedding. I know I did and I hope that you did as well. We made some really great photoshop pictures of them:

We talked a lot about destinations for the wedding, bachelor party, and even honeymoon. Did they take any of my advice? No, of course not. Am I upset? You betcha. Are they going to hear about it at the wedding? Oh, you know it.

We have single-handily tried to revive the career of Vanilla Ice. We named B and Corrin's triplets: Abernathy, Bernard, and Carl.

At the moment there are 7,211 page views with 868 of those going to "Suck On This Kate & Will  *OR* How To Go Overboard." 31 people have found us by searching for "ugly wedding." 19 have found us by searching "3 cows."

We've recounted some stories about a younger B. We've talked about how awesome I am.

We even thought of a game to play at the wedding:

There have been 128 posts total. 33 tags for Vanilla Ice. The Stig, Ben Savage, Oprah, Ed Hardy, Paul Bunyan, Lance Ito, and Kris Kross have all been mention over the past 128 posts.

I was not sued, but I did lose the chance to earn some money from the blog. Paul swears that I am Corrin's enemy #1. I think I'm probably #3. Behind who? I am not quite sure.

Really this blog was here to entertain and not offend anyone. We were just a joke that took on it's own life. I have been careful to not release too much information about the actual wedding that I know. I will not be posting any wedding pictures here unless asked by the bride and groom.

In all seriousness, it has been a lot of fun to write this blog, especially when I had the inspiration to do so. Big thanks to Greg Kathol who helped with some ideas upon occasion and made the most comments over the course of time. Granted, you wouldn't know it was him with his pseudonyms.

Last of all, congratulations to Brent and Corrin. As mentioned before, I've known B since 7th grade some 20+ years ago. I could not count the hours I have spent with the guy and while we now go months without seeing each other, it doesn't matter. Our little crew of B, Paul, Greg, and myself have been hanging out for those 20 years and we always have a good time wherever we are.

B has always played it cool with the people in his life. He has never been the most outgoing guy, but he has always known what he wanted. Corrin has opened him up a bit and given him someone to share his life with. I am honored to be in the wedding and excited to see you both next week. They are good for each other and will lead a long and happy life together. I wish you only the best and a heartfelt congratulations.

Long live the Downward Spiral!

Home Stretch *OR* Best Wedding Gift Ever

We're just over a week away until B and Corrin finally get married and I get to put this poor blog to bed. I think we can all breath a sigh of relief over that one. But hey, over 7,000 page views and multiple references to Vanilla Ice later, I think we've created something that will stand the test of time. This is, of course, assuming that time only lasts about 3 more weeks.

I teased in the last post about the awesome wedding gift I got for B and Corrin. Thanks to some mix up with the Postal Service (and you wonder why they are bankrupt), the original never got there. So an online chat with Amazon.com later and a delivery via UPS, I can now finally reveal the best wedding present ever. I know you think that you can top it by searching for something of their registry, but you would be wrong. I have given B the gift that will simply keep on giving. He even said we could have it at the wedding. Yes, I got a copy of Vanilla Ice's movie "Cool As Ice."

Note how it says he is starring in his first motion picture. Did he make another? Oh, and no, I did not get the VHS, I got the re-release on DVD. I have shared this scene of the blog before, but it can stand a repeat.



This is solid all around. As far as I can tell there is a lot of staring off and talking to one's self while riding a motorcycle. I am sure that B will fill us in as time goes on.

In other news, I have picked up my tuxedo already. I don't want to spoil all the details since I will be looking *so fresh and so fine*, but there is some green in it.

And yes, while in a tuxedo, I do make that face and strike that pose all the time. Aren't you all lucky to be there to witness that? I did note that the tuxedo came with pants that were not my jeans. B, am I really supposed to wear some other guy's pants? Ugh.

Just a week left! Let's get this show on the road, I'm a busy man. Actually, this is oddly true, but I won't bore you with the details. I will be hearing some Vanilla Ice at the wedding, right? Otherwise, he is going to upset that he came out to the wedding and didn't hear any of his songs. Drat, I think I just ruined the surprise.