Friday, December 30, 2011

Last Post Of 2011 *OR* Why Change When I'm Perfect?

You didn't think I could let 2011 slip by without one more blog post, did you? I know that this blog has gone from multiple postings in a week to maybe 2 a month, but such is the life of a lonely blogger. I bet you can picture it now, surrounded by empty bags of potato chips listening to endless dance music in a poorly lit room surrounded by banks of computers and researchers bringing me facts and Red Bull.

Luckily for everyone, you would be wrong. I have a tiny alcove in a living room and I drink water. So there!

With the end of 2011, it comes time to make resolutions for the new year. Ways in which we can improve ourselves and not repeat the failures of past years. Yet, as I look back I realize that I'm perfect. I have been groomed well (in both senses of the word), I'm an intelligent fellow, I can use the word fellow without it seeming pompous, and there is nothing about me that needs changing. Full of myself you ask? Nope, just confident that I do not need to change.

Since I don't need any modification, let's move on to the happy couple, shall we? And as we all know that women know everything and don't need to change (um, yeah....), let's focus on B. So here is a list of resolutions that I have compiled for B for 2012.

  • Stop licking envelopes for fun. The danger of a papercut is simply too much.
  • Be sure to send more cash to my groomsdudes. $250/week should do it.
  • Learn to embrace the idea that dinner does not need to be eaten at 4:30pm. 
  • Triplets! B is going to father triplets in 2012. Need I remind you of their names? Abernathy, Bernard, and Carl.
  • Help Vanilla Ice reclaim his star status. Encourage him to get a morning talk show. Show the happy side of Mr. Ice.
  • Stop being afraid of cities larger than 5,000 people. Los Angeles is a fine place to visit.
  • Let the subscription to Oprah's magazine not get renewed. Move on to Rachel Ray.
  • Stop crying at the end of "Wall-E."
  • Eat more shrimp.
  • Wear more Ed Hardy.
  • Dance like no one is watching. But know that we are.
  • Grow a cool firefighter/80's porn star mustache.
  • Start calling Corrin by her pet name: "Batgirl."
  • Did he write those checks to his groomsdudes yet? A wire transfer will be fine.
  • Listen to a little less Celine Dion and move on to Enya or John Tesh.
This is a good start for 2011. There may be more, but at the rate I blog, I doubt it. See you in 78 days!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

There's A Social Recluse On My Roof *OR* Whoa There Fat Man, You're Fine, But The Reindeer Have To Go

Just take a moment to enjoy the title of that blog please.

I'll wait.

Good stuff eh?

I thought so.

Christmas is nearly upon us and we should double check our list to make sure that we have done all we needed to:
  • Tried to be creative but just broke down and bought gifts on people's lists? CHECK! 
  • Dragged dead tree inside and illuminated the sucker? CHECK!
  • Placed trinkets on said dead tree? CHECK!
  • Hung hosiery on fireplace so someone can stuff things inside? CHECK!
  • Made various pastries for others but eaten the majority myself? CHECK!
  • Jacked up my electricity bill by placing lights on the outside of house? CHECK!
  • Survive windstorm? CHECK!
  • Had at least three people crash into me at the mall because they are looking at other things? CHECK!
  • Lugged boxes out of storage so I can put 80% of my stuff away to put out random trinkets around my house? CHECK!
Ok, it looks like I am ready for Christmas. Now to drag my family around to about 52 different locations between Christmas Eve and Christmas.

If you want a treat, come see me sing on Christmas at church. I'll be in the choir and be holding down the bass in a quartet. Guaranteed opportunity to make fun of your favorite blogger.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another *OR* Prank My House, Please

Hi there, long time, no blog. Not that you care. Will this wedding ever get here, I am really running dry on topics for this blog.

In speaking with B the other week, he mentioned that I might be able to hang at his house after the wedding. I am sure the dear followers of the blog know what kind of a mistake that invitation was. I made no commitment to the idea yet, but I really had to bite my tongue and not say anything. I didn't want to get into some binding legal agreement. Granted, B did say that I could only stay there if I promised to not do anything to the house. Now really, where is the fun in that? I know we have covered some ideas before, but I think I can go another step forward. So what other pranks can we pull on B & Corrin's (Radio) house when they are away on their honeymoon? Glad you asked.

Sure, we could go traditional and do the Jell-O in the bathtub, but it seems so played out. So how about a bathtub of Cheetos?
This would be horrible for me, as I don't like Cheetos at all.

And yes, you could move all the furniture around, but how about you put it on the ceiling? I think I would have to rent a nail gun for this, which makes it all the more fun.

Speaking of fun, what kid hasn't wished that their house was a castle? And what castle is complete without a moat? That's right, no castle worth it's salt doesn't have a moat! This is great, because I get to rent a backhoe with this one.

Maybe I'm thinking too small. I've always liked Radio's house, but wished it was just somewhere else. Let's just move the entire thing to Currie, NV. It shouldn't take that long.

Too big? Let's scale back and just wrap the house in a fumigation tent but use a lot of glue. This way we keep the house safe and insulated for their return.

My guess is that they won't be driving to their honeymoon destination, so both cars might be there. Hmmm, I wonder how many Geo Metros I could get for their cars?
Who wouldn't want a fleet of practical, fuel efficient cars? I am sure that B wouldn't be laughed out of the fire house on that one.

Which one will I do? Who says it will only be one? Check back in late March and I'll give you the lowdown on what happened.