Monday, November 14, 2011

Rules, We Don't Need No Stinkin' Rules *OR* Put Down That Phone

In my continuing quest to bring you the 223rd best blog on the internet, I am always doing research. I crash some weddings, I host some wedding showers, I shop for tuxedos, and I go to the epicenter of the relationship between B and Corrin. That's right, I go to Morro Bay, home of not one, not two, but three stacks and one rock.
 I spoke with one of the other groomsdudes and B's brother, Paul. Of course the conversation steered itself toward our vacation. Collectively, the groomsdudes, who are all married and have children, simply need a vacation. If B wants to come along we can call it a bachelor party. If B does decide to join, we have all agreed that there must be some ground rules for our time wherever we go. So B, pay attention, stop watching reruns of 90210 and take some notes here.
  • Married guys get as much phone time as they like. You, however, get 20 minutes per day, to be decided upon by the groomsdudes. You might get all 20 minutes at one time, you might only get about 30 seconds. You never know, but we'll let you know when you can use your phone. Otherwise your phone must be surrendered to a groomsdude.
  • Your wardrobe will be chosen by the groomsdudes. You will wear what has been chosen. Don't bother packing any clothes, we have you covered...literally.
  • Bring your wallet. There is a good chance you will be footing the bill for everything.
  • Should Greg and I have our way, you will only be eating condiments and packets of saltines at all meals.
  • There is a good chance you will be going to an all-male revue of some sort. You will go. You will not say anything. Otherwise, you will become part of the all-male revue.
  • You will take all abuse, verbal and physical, with a smile. We may taunt you quite a bit about running into cows. Just smile.
  • Should we allow you to drink alcohol, Jave gets to choose it. Remember it has been 10 years since he had a drink and he isn't so familiar with what is good anymore. Enjoy your watered down generic beer.
  • You might be sleeping in a bathtub. Deal with it. If you don't complain, we will give you a pillow.
  • At any time you may be asked to do either the Roger Rabbit or the Running Man. You will comply.
  • Karaoke bars will be open. Just keep that in mind.
  • Wherever we end up, it is a long walk back to Morro Bay. Wear some comfortable shoes.
  • Your music selections will be between Marcy Playground and Kris Kross. Choose wisely.





Failure to adhere to any of these rules will result in sheer mayhem during the wedding. And guess who you would have to answer to for that. If you guessed Corrin, you would be correct. The rules have been laid out, it is now in your hands. Remember, anything else would be "wiggidity, wiggidity, wiggidity, wack!"

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

We Have Contact! *OR* Spend More Money On Me

Gather around folks, it's true story time. This week's episode is brought to you by the movie From Justin To Kelly.
Moving on, Brent Lee himself called me this past week. Sure, this may not sound like much to you, but considering he never calls and hardly sends a text or an email, this was a big break-through. You might think we only talked about horsepower and chicks, but it turns out that B does not really care much for horsepower. Therefore, we can assume he has never seen Top Gear and is about to lose his man-card.

Anyways, he informs me that I should think about making reservations at some hotel where they think they are having the wedding. I guess he hasn't been reading the blog, because I think we have opened up some alternative locations. Yes, you better hurry and make your reservations for a hotel nearly 6 months in advance to beat the St. Patrick's Day rush. Hey, I haven't even received the official invitation yet and you want me to make reservations? And wait, why am I paying to stay in some hotel to come to your wedding? Isn't that your responsibility? When I invite someone to my home for dinner, I don't make them bring dinner. Something must change here.

If that isn't enough, I am now informed that some guy with a pretty good beard has got to measure me for a tuxedo. 
 Again, I thought that we had explored some other options that were quite a bit more comfortable than wearing a tie, vest, coat, and someone else's shoes. And here comes the kicker, B wants me to pay for that too! Wait just a minute here, are you saying that none of my suits are good enough for you? I look pretty darn good in them and I have a wide variety of ties to choose from. This is all quite tragic.

Yes, the conversation turned elsewhere and we caught up on some things and discussed his Halloween costume, which I did not know was going to be shiny. 
I would not trust that man to pilot my red wagon, let alone an airplane. Did you know he once hit about 12 cows while driving a firetruck? Yup, this is your state money here folks.

Here's to waiting to hear from B until February when the groomsdudes go on a vacation and we see if B decides to tag along and call it his "bachelor party."