Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Computer *OR* Behind The Scenes At Downward Brent Lee

Folks, you are in for a treat today. You are going to get some insight into how the daily operations at The Downward Spiral of Brent Lee go. It is a complicated machine, full of oversight, a full technical team, and a team of researchers coming together to bring you the best in wedding blogging. I guess we should start off with the office. Here is where your crack staff come together daily to work on the blog:

Just a little place on the coast. It works for us though. Maybe you would like to see the parking lot, just to get a sense of the humble little staff.
Most of those cars are mine, but I lend them to the staff.

And here is my office, which is pretty typical of what everyone else has:
And here is the staff hard at work creating the best blog on the internet:
Impressive, no?

Sadly, this is not true at all. This is actually where the blog is created:

How about some real insights?
At the moment I wrote this blog entry, there have been 1,859 visits to the blog. The most popular post has been visited 38 times and that post is Slowly Getting To A Point *OR* Do Your Own Thing.

While the United States has the most visitors, Denmark is second with 177 page views. Even the wine-swilling cheese heads, the French, have visited 11 times.

American Google has referred me 249 times. Facebook is next with 95.

The most popular search term that gets you here is "CC Deville." Yup, the guitar player from Poison. Second is "glee rectal thermometer." What on earth are people searching for?

And the most popular image on the blog, which I did take and create is this one:

And there you are. Happy blog reading.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Wouldn't Do That If I Were You *OR* She's No Lady, She's My Wife

The second part of the title is a song lyric, calm down everyone. In our last blog we talked about things that you should not talk about during the nuptials and reception of Senor B and Senorita Corrin. This time, let's jot down some things that you should not DO during the wedding. I don't want you to embarrass yourself or have B and Corrin regret inviting you (like they already do with me).
Without further fanfare, here is a tidy little list of things to stay away from:
  • Don't dunk your head in the punch. Wait, do they serve punch at weddings?
  • Don't tackle the bride. It will be entertaining for us when she beats you down, but you will have messed up her hair. You may, however, tackle the groom.
  • Try not to look better than the wedding couple. I am already at a disadvantage for this, but I will try to slum it up a little bit for you.
  • Don't request "The Macarena" be played. I will beat you down. 
  • Don't start a food fight. Well.....let me think about that one a bit.
  • Don't feel up the groom. He is a little touchy about his personal space.
  • Don't keep clinking glasses waiting for them to kiss. This is a family wedding, let's keep it PG folks.
  • Don't stuff your purse with shrimp. Ask politely for a bag.
  • Don't take more than two wine bottles home with you. Have the rest shipped. Seriously people, you don't want to look like a drunk.
  • Don't step on Greg. You will find yourself in a world of hurt quickly, and then he will tweet about it.
  • Stay away from the guy live-blogging. I have a lot of work to do that day.
  • You may stand up at the part of the wedding where they ask if anyone has any reasons for this couple to not be wed. Just be prepared for the backlash. Think back to how the U.S. stopped Sadam in Kuwait the first time.
  • If you must Boot-Scoot-Boogie, do it safely.
  • Try to keep your pictures of me to a minimum. I will always look this good.
So there you have it, a few lists for wedding decorum. Next time I will take you behind the scenes of the offices at Downward Brent Lee.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

How Dare You *OR* You Can't Say That

To help the casual wedding goer, I am putting together a list of faux pas that should be avoided at any wedding. This will most likely be a two-parter blog entry (like you really care). And since I just write these things without any editing, we'll see where it goes and if we even need a second posting. Can't you tell the production values here are just top notch? I'm like the California budget, I exist, people are worried, but nobody wants to do anything about. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan's career! HA!

So here are some topics and words that you should avoid during the wedding of B and Corrin. Some may be taboo topics and some might just rile the feathers of certain wedding party members (I'm talking about Paul here, he is very sensitive).
  • Spooge. This goes without saying. You just can't talk about spooge at a wedding. Gross.
  • Gentleman's juice/ gentleman's sausage. See the reasoning above.
  • Baby batter. While amusing, it lacks tact. Seriously people, class it up.
  • Previous past girlfriends/boyfriends. However, you may bring up Tasha Pounders and Melissa whatever-her-last-name was. I know I do.
  • Cows. I think this one speaks for itself.
  • Paul's fascination with sheep. We simply can't tackle this love in one wedding.
  • This blog. Shh, it is a secret and only 1,600 people seem to know about it. Let's let it be a surprise for B and Corrin.
  • Filet-o-Fish from McDonald's. Only bring this up if you want to see Greg and myself get ill. Quickly.
  • The Dodgers. Actually, we'll still be in spring training, so we can chat about this if you like.
  • The triplets of Abernathy, Bernard and Carl. B seems to be a little touchy about this one.
  • Vanilla Ice. I think there may be some trademark infringement about to happen.
  • Oprah. I don't like her and neither should you. Simple as that.
  • Nuclear holocaust. This is just a downer, why would you bring this up at a wedding?
  • States that end in "ucky." I bet you are trying to think of how many states fit that bill. The answer is one. Good work there Carmen San Diego!
  • My good looks. I don't want to overshadow B on his wedding day. But to give you a hint, this is typically how I look at weddings:
I LOVE weddings! Don't try to contain my excitement.
  • Celine Dion. French-Canadian. Need I say more?
  • Don't mention how much cooler this wedding would be if there were fire-throwers.
  • Cheese.
  • Charlie Sheen's downward spiral of shame and destruction. Granted, he may hit rehab by the time we reach the wedding. Or he may die. Only time will tell. I won't tell you which box I have in my office pool. Granted, it might help if I had an office...ok, off topic there.
  • Rebecca Black's awesome music. I hold this dear to my heart and yet people seem to make fun of it. Like this one:

Ok, I think that covers things you shouldn't talk about at the wedding. Next we'll cover what you shouldn't DO at the wedding. I would keep an eye on Paul and Greg. I sense trouble brewing. And don't point your fingers at me, I'm innocent.

You will now note that you can "React" to the blog by checking boxes below. Knock yourself out.

Friday, March 18, 2011

I Touched Greatness *OR* B Sat Next To Me

As we are all aware, Thursday was St. Patrick's Day, when we celebrate some guy named Patrick by coating everything in green. I don't know (or really care) what you did for St. Patrick's Day, but I went to visit some friends. And who was there, you might ask? Well, I was graced by the presence of this blogs' namesake; Brent Lee. The man, the myth, the legend sat next to me as we tried to remain dignified in our friend's home while consuming corned beef and cabbage.

You would think this run-in with greatness would inspire some prolific blog writing. That it might stir the muse inside me. That with a little less than a year until the wedding, I would come up with some amazing blog post about Mr. Lee. Well, you would be wrong.

I did note a few things though, while in his presence.
  • He is still not too keen on the name Carl for one of his triplets. In fact, he is not real sold on triplets in the first place.
  • He will make faces at babies, but seems a bit uncomfortable holding one.
  • He was wearing Timberland boots, which did cause me to recite a Beastie Boys song.
  • He thinks we are going to be spending crazy money on his bachelor party. Joke is on him, we are going to need him to sponsor his own shindig.
  • I don't want to give away too much, but there may be some gray hair growing around his temples. I can neither confirm nor deny this accusation.
So I've given you four blog entries this week (I think). I am tapped out. Don't expect anything too good next week, I'm lazy.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Yikes! Only A Year Left! *OR* Stop The Blog, I Want To Get Off

First off, Happy St. Patrick's Day. When we all celebrate our ability to look good in green, eat corned beef and cabbage, and somehow go back to our Irish roots.


Of course to do so, we must do the most stereotypical Irish accent we can think of and "pretend" to be drunk all day. And eat potatoes. And wear big sweaters. Gee, great day Irish, let's try a little harder. At least with Cinco De Mayo we get to light off fireworks. All we get with St. Patrick's Day is a river dyed green. Nice effort Chicago.




 It being St. Patrick's Day of 2011, the official countdown has begun (note new countdown thing on the right). We're only a year away from the wedding of the "holiday." B and Corrin have 366 days (2012 is a leap year) to get their act together and throw us one heck of a party. I don't go out to Paso Robles for anything.

Of course, what really matters is that I only have one more year to keep this pathetic little blog afloat. I figure if I aim for about 2 posts per week, I still have way too many posts to think of. Sigh. How does this affect you? Well, if you come here for entertainment, you may start to be horribly disappointed (this is where you act like you aren't already). Gads, we're going to have to think of more destinations and themes. Maybe we'll try to dress B up in funny costumes for the wedding. There is still some planning for bachelor parties to complete.

But as I was listening to a few songs, I thought maybe I should come up with a real gift. I know what you are thinking:
"What, another gift? Hey, they should be giving you a gift for all the blogging that you do."

No argument here.
But for some family, I have performed a song or two at either a wedding, a shower, or a reception. Typically, one is sappy and cute. And then the other is somewhat amusing. Oh, and I am by no means a talented musician.

I'm playing the mandolin, in case you care. The bigger guys are my brothers-in-law

I came across a Johnny Cash song that might fit the bill for one of them. Comment here if you think you know the song. Or if you have other ideas.

Here's to 366 more days!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Further Overboard *OR* A Trip Into The Weird

Portland, Oregon is one of my favorite cities. Granted, I spent a lot of time visiting family there and spent four years in Portland going to college, so maybe I am biased. I guess having a favorite would have to make you biased. Think about it.



The great thing about Portland is that there is something for everyone. If you're a dirty hippie, you will fit right in with about 25% of the population (according to a survey I made up).
If you are a tree-huger, you will fit in as well. If you aren't, don't worry, there are plenty of normal people there too. So what does Portland have to offer us as we take over the entire West Coast in a year for the wedding of B and Corrin? Well, we are going to reduce our carbon footprint and keep things simple in Portland.

Let's get married at a doughnut shop. More specifically, Voodoo Doughnut. This place has been on t.v. and written up in magazines and such. Honestly, some very tasty doughnuts, and some crazy combinations. Like a bacon doughnut. Or one with Fruit Loops. Maybe you prefer the Old Dirty Bastard. Seriously, check out the menu, some great stuff.



But the best part about Voodoo Doughnut, is that you can get married at the store. Yup, depending on the location, you can have anywhere from 6 to 70 people watch your marriage. The marriage can be legal or non-legal, your call. But you get doughnuts and coffee. Can you beat it? I didn't think so.

Maybe you are just too cool to get married at a doughnut shop. That's okay, Portland has you covered. You can visit the 24 Hour Church Of Elvis. Yes, you read that right. 8 hours a day just wasn't enough for an Elvis church. And guess what, you can get married here too! You have the choice (again) of legal or non-legal. Sadly, the ceremony is not performed by Elvis, but still... it is a sight. And you get a traditional sidewalk parade.



How can you not love this town? Portland, here we come.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Titanic Style *OR* Still Going Overboard

Last post, I decided that the upcoming wedding of B and Corrin (gee, we're only about a year away now) needs to be grandiose. So grandiose in fact, that we are going to book the entire West Coast. Three states. Oh yeah. At first I thought just the coast, but on second thought, I want everything in California, Oregon, and Washington to be open for our needs.

Let's start with the obvious. Let's have the wedding at the top of the Space Needle in beautiful Seattle, Washington. That's right, you and 200 hundred of your closest friends will fly first class on Alaska Airlines to Seattle, Washington, where you will spend two nights preparing for and getting married at the largest Needle ever.

Ride the monorail!

See Jimi Hendrix's guitar (it is in this building, trust me).


Hungry during your visit? See them throw fish around at the Pike Place Market. Why do they throw the fish? It seems like that would bruise the fish. Hmm, why not put it on the monorail as well?
You can recreate this photo after the wedding.
Can't wait to see B jump into the fountain after getting married.

I think that takes care of Seattle. Next time, let's see what one of my favorite cities has to offer. Portland, I'm looking at you.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Suck On This Kate and Will *OR* How To Go Overboard

Sorry if I have offended any British royalty who may be visiting this site. I get the feeling that is pretty unlikely, so on second thought, I take it back. In fact, we beat you in our Revolution! How's that feel?! Don't even get me started on WWII. It's like always having your little brother saving you every time you get into trouble.

Oh, right, this is a wedding blog. Moving on....
Well, Kate and Will are getting married. I have my tickets and I think I am in the wedding party next to Harry (those are their names, right?). It is going to be the biggest bash of 2011. Luckily, we can take the title for 2012 with the wedding of B and Corrin. Luckily for you, I know just how to do it.

Some people rent out a hall, a church, or a hotel. I think we are going to rent out the entire West Coast of America. That's right, we're taking over California, Oregon, and Washington.
No real need for three state's worth of coastline, but why not? Go big or go home, right?

There may be some issues with the National Park Service, but they are pretty broke and I am sure a few dollars will help change their minds.

Logistically, this is going to be difficult. Where, for example, do you hold the actual wedding? May I suggest that we organize a caravan of sorts starting up in Washington and we make our way down to San Diego doing a different part of the wedding along the way.

Nope, scratch that. I've got an even better idea. Corrin will have the longest train...IN THE WORLD! Somehow she will drag nearly a thousand miles worth of fabric hung from her head. Take that Princess Di.

It will be quite the sight to partake. Remember when Christo (I think that was his name) put up all those giant umbrellas in California. This will make that look like child's play.

This is only the beginning of the most grandiose wedding ever. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Presents! I Love Presents!

There are plenty of wedding traditions that one must abide by. Don't see the bride the day before the wedding, wear something old, the couple should give each other gifts, the writer of the blog should receive a gift in value of no less than $10,000 for his efforts, you get the idea.

Well Corrin, I am going to help you out here as you think about a wedding gift for B. Just to give you a sense of where I am coming from, Amanda got me a banjo as a gift. No joke, and it is a cool banjo. Now, if only I played the thing...
Moving on...Corrin, I am sure you have noticed that B is a man of simple pleasures (albeit they can be expensive). He likes his Honey Bunches of Oats
He enjoys Vanilla Ice's music so much that he dresses like him often.
His house was pretty bare, just some old Pepsi cans scattered about and some shot glasses made of ice in the freezer. So I have compiled a list of gift ideas that he may appreciate.

First, if you could find the old Kona Nut, I know he would love that car forever.


The world is yours here Corrin. B is pretty simple and tends not to complain about much. Just know that you have to top a banjo.