Friday, October 29, 2010

Here Little Boy, Would You Like Some Candy?

Phew, planning a wedding is tough work. No wonder there are wedding planners like Jennifer Lopez to take the stress off the bride. Hang on...didn't she end up stealing the groom? Ignore the whole "like Jennifer Lopez" bit.

We've put together 21 posts over the past few weeks and boy, are our fingers tired! Hey, I'm here all week, try the veal. On behalf of all of us here at Downward Brent Lee (which, admittedly, does sound like a yoga pose), we want to wish you a happy and safe Halloween. But what would Downward Brent Lee be without some friendly advice to get you through the weekend? We'd be nothing I tell you, NOTHING!

Now, I've dressed as all kinds of things for Halloween. I've been a bum, a hippie, a ninja, a ghost, Woody Woodpecker, a goth (with Greg Kathol), an Assistant Director of Admission, Bing Crosby, and an evil lifeguard. Why do I bring this up? Good question, I'm not quite sure myself.

Right, advice. Okay, be sure you are visible to others if you are going trick-or-treating.

Yes, I think that will. I think people will see you from a mile away dressed like that. Even better, try it at the airport. They're always up for a good laugh. I'll give you a dollar if you try it.

Make sure you don't wear the same thing as everyone else. It is just embarrassing.

You want to ensure that you stay topical. Don't stray too far from the current or the timeless.

Anyone remember Judge Lance Ito? I thought so.

You don't want to be too political and ostracize yourself too quickly. I'm looking at you Joe The Plumber. This could also be a little too far from topical.

Stay current. Sure, there will be Lady Gagas galore and a Snooki here and there. What about Tom Bosley?

Last year the big hit was Billy Mays.
You could try and be scary or humorous or traditional. Whatever you decide, wear it with pride.

After you have hit the mean streets of your suburban neighborhood with pillowcases full of candy, rush right home before it gets too dark and all the spooks come out. There is nothing worse than being out when people are tossing toilet paper into trees or flinging failed chicken spawn (those are eggs folks) at windows.  Nope, come on home and lay your candy out on the table and make sure that there is nothing unsafe in that bag. Candy Apples are a no go. Same with popcorn. Ugh, and those horrible wax teeth. Just toss 'em. And that stupid dentist who handed out the toothbrush? Doesn't he know about the mean kids? Once you have that sorted, get a box and put half of the candy in the box, especially the M&Ms and 3 Musketeers and write my name on the box. That's Justin Voss, just write it right there on top. Ok, now seal it up with some tape and send it to the post office. Don't forget to buy the insurance, we don't want something happening to it.

There, now you have had a safe and sane Halloween and you will be around for the wedding. Turns out that Halloween planning is just as difficult. I think I have found a new career.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Welcome To Truckee, May I Take Your Bags? No, Seriously, I Need Them. We Are Going To Keep You. We're Creepy Like That

Let's visit Truckee, California. The only city in the state with the word "truck" right in it. Sure, Barstow has "bar" and Duarte has, um, it's own charm, but Truckee even ends in double "E", how cool!

For those who aren't quite up on the splendor of Truckee, permit me to enlighten you. Truckee is located here:

Right at the armpit of California. It is only an hour from Stateline, NV (Where all the cool Tahoe kids hang out). Featuring over 15,000 excited residents, Truckee can fulfill all of your wedding dreams. Donner Pass Road runs right through town.




If you have forgotten, the Donners essentially turned cannibalistic and ate the sick and old who died while trying to cross the mountains.

Seriously folks, next time just buckle down and buy some plane tickets. You won't get food on the plane, but you can buy a sandwich or something in the airport. There is no need to eat each other, but remember, if you must eat one another, start at the leg and make sure you grill it. Poached leg is just gross.

Truckee offers you 33 square miles of pure California wilderness as your playground, including the only outlet of Lake Tahoe, the Truckee River. You know that water is going to be cold. This is what Truckee is trying to sell you from their own website:

The truth told in the grand nature of Truckee:
You don't have to wander far off the
beaten path to lose the stress, the worries,
the trials of your world. At some point, they
simply fall by the wayside, unable to follow
as you slip away to discover your adventure.
Surround yourself with everything you’ve
been missing, and then listen closely. You
may hear another truth. A truth about you in
your world, and you in ours.


 What could this possibly mean? "You don't have to wander far off the beaten path?" Does this mean there isn't a beaten path? Am I going to be eaten by Bigfoot? Does Bigfoot grill or poach? They make it sound very solitary. You're only an hour from Reno, the Biggest Little City in the World. Great, I guess. But Truckee is ready for your wedding, they have a webpage for that too. Hopefully the over 200 inches of snow will have melted in time for the wedding. In fact, Truckee is often noted as the coldest spot in the nation.
I don't know what this woman has to do with Truckee, but she came up when I put Truckee into Google image search. I thought we should class this blog up with a sequin dress and a kayak. Did it work?



I was hoping that in writing about Truckee I would get excited that this could be the place, but sadly, there are some negatives here:

  • Donner party history, means I could be eaten alive.
  • Bigfoot danger
  • Coldest place in the nation? I've already got cold hands.
  • 200 inches of snow? That's about 198 inches too many.
  • The beaten path seems pretty small
Sorry Truckee, maybe we'll see you later...like from the airplane window as we are flying to Chicago.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

If The Food Ain't Good, I'm Gunna Cop A 'Tude

We've been to banquets and weddings and other events where we are served the famous chicken covered in a white sauce with a side of steamed vegetables.

Sure, it may fill you up, but in my experience, it backs you up too, if you catch my drift. Of course, you can try the steak, a fairly safe choice. Or you can be adventurous and try the fish. We never quite know what type of fish it is, we just hope there is some real fish in it. Like a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald's you might eat at 2:00am in Las Vegas (Paul, I'm looking at you).

Yet, the wedding goers of today have a more discernible palate. We demand the finer things in life. No longer are we satisfied with corn dogs and mac-n-cheez. We expect four star dining from America's Michelin Star winning chefs. I'm talking about the Eric Riperts




and Masa Takayama's of the world.
Or at least a James Beard award winner who does some cool molecular gastronomy, like Jose Andres.
This is the type of food where they make a foam from tuna and put it on a cracker that tastes like root beer and you get one bite and they charge you $100 for it. Cool stuff!
Doesn't this just whet your appetite?

So here is the menu I would suggest:

First Course
Amuse Bouche of a quail egg yolk prepared by rubbing it in the hand of a vestal virgin and layered on a "lasagna" made of anemone roe with squid ink

Second Course
Mint salad with a medley of spring vegetable and pea puree

Third Course
Roasted lamb marrow served in a toasted almond cookie


Fourth Course
Kangaroo tar-tar with an orange chutney sprinkled with s'more dust

Fifth Course
Sorbet of basil and garlic, topped with a sardine sauce

Sixth Course
Electric eel skin cracklins

Dessert
Wedding cake (we can't stray too far off course, this is a wedding)



Or if this is too ambitious, how about some grilled steak and beans? Yummm.
All while Girl Howdy & The Spurs kick up a good time!


I reckon it's time for a Honkytonk Hullaballoo!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Ice, Ice Baby...Too Cold

Look playa- finally we aren't really talking about Vanilla Ice, I just want his tags to increase on this blog. Like Carl!

Today we're thinking about an ice wedding. Plenty of weddings have had an ice carving to place on the food table, it just brings some elegance. But why? It is a giant hunk of frozen water that has been hacked together by chainsaws and ice picks, nothing elegant about the process.
But as Emeril Lagasse used to say (maybe he still does), "Let's kick it up a notch." Let's do a full ice wedding! Gives new meaning to the term "cold shoulder" ::pause for laugh:: Oooookay. There is a fairly famous ice hotel in Sweden, but I think that is going to be a bit much for some our guests. So north toward Canada it is! Home of state sponsored health care where you only need to wait for 6 months to see a doctor about your cold. Home of 14 year old on the street that (according to Paul) look much older. Home of people very obviously asking if you would like to purchase marijuana "Weed, weed, weed!" Off to Quebec, home of the Canadian Ice Hotel and some French-speaking wine-swilling cheese-heads. Not rednecky at all (YES! I got to use rednecky again!). The Hotel de Glace offers some lovely accommodations and they seem to have a chapel.

It will be up to you to warm yourself up at night while sleeping on a bear-skin on top of blocks of ice. Who doesn't want to stay somewhere where you have to wear a hat at night to keep somewhat warm? Nothing says romantic wedding night like separate sleeping bags (can't make Carl that way).




For $599 Canadian (which I think is like $10,000,000 US), you can have the following as part of the Romance Package:

  • A theme suite at the Hôtel de Glace including the Nordic sleeping bag for the night
  • A suite with fireplace at Four Points by Sheraton Québec on the same night as your stay at the Hôtel de Glace (luggage, shower, etc.)
  • A sparkling ice cider cocktail served in an ice flute
  • A gourmet dinner served in the comfort of your suite at Four Points by Sheraton Québec
  • A personal valet
  • Delicious chocolates await you at the Hôtel de Glace suite after dinner
  • Access to the Nordic area's hot tubs and sauna under the stars
  • Breakfast at Le Dijon
  • Welcome kit
  • All gratuities
Does this seem odd that there is so much happening at the Four Points as well? They don't really want you to stay at the Hotel de Glace, do they?

Let's pack up the long johns, break out the fur-lined underwear and leave the sandals at home. We've got a wedding to get to, in Quebec!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Gaga for the Lady

Welcome Amy Jones, our newest follower.

Side Note: Vanilla Ice now has a show on HGTV where he is redoing his mansion. Just thought I would share.

You've been wondering, I can tell. Your question has gone unanswered so far, but your patience will be rewarded. Yup, you want to know what is the most popular costume this Halloween. You've come to the right place, this blog. Lady Gaga will be knocking at your door asking for candy and invading your Halloween parties this year. And for good reason, who wouldn't want to look like this:




A bunch of dead frogs? Gross. Or even worse, wearing some Top Round.
Doesn't she know there are starving children across the world? Rude!

What does Lady Gaga (or as I call her Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) have to do with the wedding? Glad you asked, otherwise, this blog would get pretty boring pretty quickly. The easy answer would be to have Corrin dress as Stefani for the wedding, but I don't think that is appropriate. Plus, Paul, Greg, and I would have a tough time not throwing the meat dress on the BBQ and making some snacks. No, I think when B returns to Vegas to take over the mantle of the world's worst drag queen, he should do so as Stefani Gaga.

Yes, we can make this:



Look like this:



Difficult? Yes. But I think I can call on one our favorite Queer Eye For The Straight Guy hosts; Carson Kressley!
In fact, I think that B should utilize Carson as his personal stylist.

Hmmm, I need to restore my masculinity and creds for the blog. So here are some pictures of some manly stuff:

Phew. I feel a bit better now.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Worlds Largest Rectal Thermometer

Today's post is brought to you by Greg Kathol and the letter "R"

Baker, CA – Temperature, 134 degrees under sunny skies. Yes, Baker California is home to the World’s Largest Rectal Thermometer. If you’ve driven or flown over the place, you know just how stunning it is, rocks and dirt everywhere. The approach from the 15 is rather breathtaking. As you drive in to this destination, you see off in the distance the beacon, standing tall and true. A sentinel, a monument of grandeur it is.


A little about the thermometer and B. It stands 134 ft tall (the thermometer), B is only around 6’. Its highest temperature the thermometer reads recalls that profound day when a United States of America record was set for the hottest temperature ever recorded, 134 degrees (Ok, so it was in nearby Death Valley, but who cares) Baker is still located in the southern end of Death Valley so it practically makes them brothers. Old Faithful is situated next to Bun Boy, an old and now shut down restaurant, sigh. It was built by Young Electric Sign Company of Salt Lake City, Utah in 1991 and still stands to this day, remarkable. B still stands to this day too. A wonder, due to his affection of the great temperature stick B has visited this “hot spot” for years. Justin, Paul and myself included, have traveled to this location on many an occasion. If we are ever traveling alone we will call or text each other about it, really we will. I know, it sad, but it keep us entertained, but not out of trouble. My sister Toni (Antoinette) will even call and text about it when she visits. This place really transcends all, doesn’t it!




The World’s Largest Rectal Thermometer (by the way, this is a link to its Facebook Page, Crazy I know!) stands as a testament to our foe-ship; I mean friendship with Brent Lee. Why am I painting such a vivid picture of this place, you ask? Because I suggest we make this place a special place by giving it our patronage and its 900 or so residents something to talk about by hosting B and Corrin’s wedding here. Or at least make it the destination of our bachelor party. We could hit up the 76 gas station, A&W root beer or travel out to the dirt piles of Silurian Valley - Devil’s Playground. I couldn’t finish without giving honorable mention to Zzyzx, a road we always give a nod to as we zoom past at highway speed or fly over. B, don’t worry we’ve got your back!

Incidentally, Baker and it’s thermometer is about 65 miles from Barstow and 50 miles from Stateline, NV, so it really is in the middle of nowhere!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Do You Take This Man? An Open Letter To Corrin

Dear Corrin,
  I've known B for 18 or so years. I'm not even sure his brother has known him that long. I've seen his Vanilla Ice phase and I've seen his cassette singles of rap tunes phase. I've spent countless hours in the Kona Nut (he had a car a year before I did). I've seen way too many movies with him. I've seen him eat the same lunch throughout high school, including the two Chips Ahoy cookies every day.




I was there when his face made unfortunate contact with a pole in a locker room (I'll spare you the gross details). So now that I have established my credentials, let's talk B.

He's a sensitive soul. He loves kittens and Nicholas Sparks books. He owns every Indigo Girls album and has seen them three times in concert. His collection of flannel shirts is only rivaled by Norm Abram of New Yankee Workshop.



Carrot Top is his favorite comedian and there is little he wouldn't do for a cocktail made with Aftershock.
He follows all the hot trends. In fact, he doesn't want to scare you, but he loves the Emo look. This is what you would see at the fire station.



But sometimes he is Four Popped Collars Cool.



Simply put, you're getting a confused man who likes to plow into cows. Ah, but you'll have fun.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

We fed you, now give us stuff

We all have our fingers crossed that we get invited to the shindig of 2012. And I know you all have your fingers crossed that you don't have to sit next to me....ever. I hear you, I'll just get a tv tray and sit outside and enjoy the weather...alone. Be that way, see if I ever invite you to anything.

Whoa, a bit off topic there. Sorry, that was meant for my therapist, not a beautiful wedding blog. So on to today's theme. So you've received the invitation with the Spiderman kiss engagement photo and you have sent your RSVP and you checked off "steak." Now it is the day before the wedding and you think to yourself:

"Ok, I've got my clothes all ready. I am going to be the second best looking person there (we can't upstage the bride). I've got my directions and I know what time I need to be there. What else? YIKES. A GIFT!"

Now that you are done with your inner monologue, let's get crackin'. What do you get a pair of 30 somethings for a wedding gift? They have lived independently for some time now and probably have some things already, like plates. Or glasses. In fact, B has enough glasses to have a State Dinner at his house and get everyone plastered.
I can help here. Forget any registry, let's get them what they really want, but are too embarrassed to say. I know B really misses this item (which he did own and did wear, about a year too late). A Vanilla Ice shirt!




Maybe we could all chip in and get them triplets (see previous post) and be sure to name one Carl.



These may be a bit too old, you might want to find a set younger. How about some animals to keep the yard festive? I would suggest alligators, they will keep away door-to-door salesmen and in-laws!



One of my favorite things I got for my wedding was a used potato/apple peeler. Came in the box but still had residue from a previous use.



But I think that we, as guests, should all get something with a theme. This way all of our gifts tie together and it makes sense. And now, for our theme:


Didn't see that coming, did you? We can start with this lovely toast holder:



Okay, you can take it from there.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Let's Go Hunting

Hello to Toni, our newest, and by definition, favorite follower.



This isn't the type of hunting I am talking about. Though this would be interesting....

No, I am talking about a good old fashioned scavenger hunt. You know the type, someone makes a list of random things that you have to collect or do and the first one to return with a completed list wins fame and fortune. Think of all of the huge names that have won scavenger hunts that have gone on to become big names in society. You've got Rod Blagojevich, The Bell City Council, Ted Kaczynski, and Oprah. All big scavenger hunt winners.

How can we, as loyal blog readers and future wedding goers keep the momentum rolling until March of 2012? Let's put on our pants, lace up our sneakers, grab the camera from the shelf, make sure we have our ID, take our keys, make sure the house is locked up and do our own scavenger hunt.

I will put together a list of some things that you would need to take pictures of to win this hunt. You need to show me photographic proof that you have completed this list in order to win. The prize will be that I will make sure that I don't sit next to you at the wedding. Lucky!

Here's your list:
  • Brent smiling without sunglasses on
  • Corrin at age 8.
  • B & Corrin holding hands with interlocked fingers
  • A beef dip sandwich at Hofbrau
  • Santa Claus on the 101
  • A 1958 Cadillac (you can choose the model)
  • B's niece and nephew playing with play-doh
  • A Mexican goat
  • B and Paul enjoying a slow dance together
  • Greg & Jave flying a kite out of a convertible at 65 mph down Highway 1
  • B & Corrin's fridge full of food
  • The Kona Nut
  • Some guy named Ernesto
  • Paul eating Filet-o-Fish between 2:00am and 4:00am
  • Art Garfunkel and Jean-Claude Van Damme playing a giant game of chess in Morro Bay
  • World's largest rectal thermometer
  • B changing a diaper
  • A "To-Do" list where the first thing listed is "Create To-Do List"
Good luck out there kids. Remember, your happiness at the wedding depends on your successful completion of this task.

Monday, October 18, 2010

We'll Remember This Day Forever. Or The Next Two Months, Whichever Comes First

Welcome to our newest follower, Stephany. Glad to have you with us on this crazy journey.

The big day has come and gone. You're now husband and wife (this is all theoretical at the moment, just play along). You're back from the honeymoon and settling into married life. Trying to figure out how to be husband and wife without throwing dinnerware across the house at each other. B, be careful, we know your history with things being thrown at you. [Disclaimer: I am not saying their marriage will result in literal flying saucers, this blog is tongue in cheek folks].
Look at the damage. But who is the guy with the mustache?

Okay, where were we headed with this? Oh yes, remembering the wedding (you saw that coming right?). You'll be surrounded by family, friends, and me. There will be countless cellphone pictures going up on Facebook. You'll have your professional photographer making you stand in the weirdest poses you can think of.
Did I say poses? I meant "outfits" with someone's baby. Of course, the big trend a few years ago was the disposable camera on the table to capture all of those candid moments that have been meticulously staged by the guests.



Great pictures that you will want to revisit time and time again, no? Certainly we will all post pictures and try to find the most embarrassing of them to showcase on the world-wide web. Just make sure that the idea behind the disposable camera is clear, unlike a recent "The Office" episode where the receptionist takes pictures on the camera and then throws away the camera once the roll is done. She doesn't quite get the idea.

And once the roll is done, we can still go around charging the flash and hitting the camera and making the place light up like a bad disco.


B may have a tough time keeping a smile on his face for 4 or more hours. He'll be ecstatic and in love, but I don't know that I've seen him smile that long. He won't even look at a camera...


 

Ahh, memories. Of course, it could be worse. You could swallow the microphone. And who wouldn't want to remember that?